Ion Farmer VS Ottis Charles AND Fred Kwarme

Date: Fri, 30 Sep 2005 21:07:59 +1000 (EST)
From: "CHARLES OTTIS" barristerottis1@yahoo.com.au

Subject: I need this informations pls


Dear McLachenstein ,

I gone through your mail and i want to let you know that this not a child's play because the way you are handling it does not show any sign of seriousness.Please once again i will like you to provid to me all these informations so that we can forge ahead ,please it is important.

1.Your full name
2.Your contact and mailing address
3.Your private telephone and fax number
4.Your age
5.Your statue
6.Your proffesion
7.Scan copy of your international passport or driver's license


Thanks and remain bless



Sincerely

Barrister Fred Kwame.


Uh oh! Fred Kwame is on to me! I think he's playing good cop / bad cop on me! Luckily I'm dumb cop, so his Vulcan Jedi mind tricks do not work on me!

Dear Barrister Ottis Charles, Esquire / Barrister Fred Kwame, Not-Esquire,

I do not think that there is any child's play involved here, or horse play either, if you get my meaning, my international friend(s). I hope I don't sound stupid to you, since you write alot better than me!

Sorry I haven't called you, but I've been involved in living my life long dream. You ever hear of "Big Texas Monsters of Rodeo?" Yeah pardner, we gots a league in Pantalones Del Fuego, Texas, for "Big Texas Monsters of Rodeo" over here. We compete and call it "Tall Sky Rope Rodeo". We get a young buck, throw it in the rodeo, and throw ropes and barrels at it until it starts running around, then we try to jump on it from above. I almost lost an arm last year in the Cabeza de Oro championships! It's a dag-burned blast pardner! We herd a bunch of cattle into a ring, which has broken glass and nails all over it! Then we got to jump on all the cows backs and try to rope them! Me and my friend Spermy Joe got first and second place in the "Twist n' Tuck" competition last month! It was on ESPN 3! Did you see it? Then people in the audience throw liquor bottles at our heads! Then the lights go out and we gotta rope the cows in the dark! It's not illegal! Spermy Joe got the name when he was in the Tri-State Metro "Ranch House Swing Barnacle" competition against last year's winner, Cliffy B. I swear to GOD, that man cheats! He spread some kind of shit all over Spermy Joe's saddle, and when Spermy Joe went to put it on the clown's back, he couldn't stay on, so he fell off into the pit of tar. I don't think I need to tell ya he lost. We had to buy new hypodermic needles too, cause the clown got em all broken off in his eye.

I got a few concussions, and I sometimes pass out for a few seconds.

I paid for my wife with the money I earned from winning "The San Antonio Salad Toss" last year! The first one I bought gets a little, shrewish about it though. Cindy, the blonde, gets on my nerves when I go out drinkin'. See, I get all jumpy when I'm liquored up, I start hoppin' and rotating all over the place like a crazy nut after a few shots, and Cindy got mad at me for that. One day after I picked her up from the hospital, she was still mad because I got drunk and dropped plaster on her head. It was an accident though! Me and Spermy Joe were repainting the attic! So, after I threw the plaster at her, I pushed her into the cornfield and me and Spermy Joe tried to run her down with the tractor! I do that sometimes. She asks me to, because she's getting a little fat and needs to exercise. Me, I work out by practicing for next month's "Big Texas Monsters of Rodeo" on ESPN 7. I gotta work up my resistance to mule poison or else I'm gonna get my ass kicked during the "Tuscaloosa Fornication" event! Beth gets jealous sometimes. She says I spend too much time at work and working out and shit, beating on shit and stuff, and she's worried that

Whoops, sorry pardner, must've passed out for a sec there! Man, I sure feel like a jackhole!

In the meantime, I was able to dig up some of my old bank account statements and stuff. Keep in mind that I'm not good with bank stuff so this may not be what you're looking for, but perhaps this can help you in some way before I visit my bank tomorrow. Here's a copy of the information:

JAN 21 : 1019281 - 182.32726 sax 5th (scarf)
8836152-029172-8825141-8008135: west
1.e4 1...d5 2.exd5 1.Nf3 1...e5 2.Nxe5
us company of hair fetish videos - $281.73 - 3621923.28152 - 3009172 - 7791

Like I said, I'm not sure what all this means, but I'm hoping some of it is helpful to you. I'll get concrete information when I go to the bank tomorrow and get my phone service turned on (unless, of course, my sister in law escapes from the Basement Rocket and tries to drive my car into Deadman's Gulch like she did last time she ran out of painkillers and was convinced the color pink was trying to murder her mother). I'll call you from the bank and I'll ask them "Give me all the Tome, Logo information" and tell you all of it. Or would you like me to put one of the bank tellers on the phone so they can speak to you personally? I know one of the ladies there, she's really nice, you could lick syrup off her sweet ass, especially if you're barristers of the forbidden arts, Fred & Ottis.

Anyway, please get back to me as soon as you can to let me know if this will work for you. If I don't hear from you by Monday, I will assume you are dead.

- Danito McLachenstein
CEO of Freedom Alley Studios

I have no idea what those random numbers and gibberish in the middle means, except the third line is a whole bunch of lousy chess moves. As anybody with medical experience can see, I appear to have severe mental problems. Fortunately, I don't think they know what brains are or how to study them in Lome, Togo / Africa, because the Barrister Twins still seemed excited to do business with me.

Ion Farmer VS Tome-Logo and the Ivory Coast

I'm starting to wonder about the professionalism and dedication to their ideology that these solicitors possess. Today, I received yet a third letter, from another Barrister in Tome, Logo. These guys should form a partnership. I still haven't received a response from Mrs. Nadia Guei and Barrister Charles Ottis has stopped writing me. Here's what I got today:

Date: Thu, 29 Sep 2005 06:14:28 -0700 (PDT)
From: "BARR_KAFI akuoma" barrister_kafi_akuoma1966@yahoo.com

Subject: GET BACK TO ME


FROM THE CHAMBER OF.
BARRISTER KAFI AKUOMA.
OFFICE 42 RUE DU BULLEVERD-LOME TOGO.
WEST-AFRICA.



Dear Danito McLachenstein,

I am Barrister Kafi Akuoma. , the Personal Attorney to a Foreign Contractor, who worked with a Multinational Oil Firm here in Lome-Togo republic .

On the 31st Oct. 2003 , my client, a national of your country , late Engr. B. J.McLachenstein, an oil Merchant / Contractor with the Federal Government of Togo , until his death few years ago, He died along with his entire family of a wife and two children in a ghastly Motor accident.

Since then I have made several inquiries to Several Embassies to locate any of my clients extended relatives, this has also proved nsuccessful. After these several unsuccessful attempts, That is why I decided to trace his relatives over the Internet, to locate any member of his family but of no avail, hence I contacted you. I have contacted you to assist me in repatriating the money left behind by my client before they get confiscated or declared unserviceable by the Bank where this huge deposits were lodged.

Particularly, the Bank where the deceased had an account valued at about US$10.5 Million has issued me a notice to provide the next of kin,relatives so that the fund left will be transferred or have the account confiscated within the next twenty one official working days.

Since I have been unsuccessful in locating the the relatives for over over 2 years now I seek your consent to present you as the next of kin to the deceased so that the proceeds of this account valued at US$10.5 Million can be paid to you and then you and I can share this money.

All I require is your honest and co-operation to enable us see this deal through. I guarantee that this will be executed under a legitimate arrangement that will protect you from any breach of the law. I will want you to send to me on your return email the following information for the transfer in your favour.

1, YOUR FULL NAME AND ADDRESS .
2, OCCUPATION AND POSITION .
3, DATE OF BIRTH .
4, PRIVATE TELEPHONE AND FAX NUMBER .


I await your kind response, Good day and God bless.

Regards,

Barrister Kafi Akuoma. (Esq.)

Now this is getting a little ridiculous. All i want is to help these guys out, but whoever is responsible must have a small attention span. I must mention that the only email sitting in this particular account has only come from these addresses over the past week. If they want my account information, all they have to do is ask.

Dear Cretins,

I have been an Tome, Logo customer since 23th September 2005, when I responded to your e-mail (electronic message) requesting financial mediation. During this five-day period I have encountered inadequacy of service which I had not previously considered possible, as well as ignorance and stupidity of monolithic proportions. Please allow me to provide specific details, so that you can either pursue your professional prerogative, and seek to rectify these difficulties - or more likely (I suspect) so that you can have some entertaining reading material as you while away the working day smoking cheap cigarettes and drinking vendor-coffee on the toilet in your office:

My initial correspondance was terminated without warning, resulting in placing a call to your personal number, and my spending an entire Saturday sitting on my fat arse waiting for your email (electronic message) to arrive. When it did not arrive, I spent a further 57 minutes listening to your infuriating hold music, and the even more annoying Scottish robot woman telling me to look at your helpful website....HOW?

I alleviated the boredom by playing with my testicles for a few minutes - an activity at which you are no-doubt both familiar and highly adept. The another email (electronic message) From Barrister Kafi, from Tome, Logo then came some four days later, although the sender did forget a number of vital details - such as a connection to the original letter, a different place of origin, his cerebrum, and the fact that I was in negotions with both Barrister Ottis Charles (from Tome, Logo) and Mrs. Nadia Guei (whose assets were in storage, in the most affluent place on Earth, Tome, Logo). One day later, my initial propasal had not been responded to. After 15 telephone calls over 4 days (are you sure you gave me the right number?)... I began to wonder is your were serious about making this perfectly legal transaction.

I have made 9 additional calls on my mobile to your no-help line, to contact you personally. And have been unhelpfully transferred to a variety of disinterested individuals, who are it seems also highly skilled testicle jugglers.

I have been informed the Barrister is available (and someone will call me back); that no Barrister is available (and someone will call me back); that I will be transferred to someone who knows whether or not a Barrister is available (and then been cut off); that I will be transferred to someone (and then been redirected to an answer machine informing me that your office is closed); that I will be transferred to someone and then been redirected to the irritating Scottish robot woman...and several other variations on this theme.

Doubtless you are no longer reading this letter, as you have at least a thousand other dissatisfied customers to ignore, and also another one of those crucially important testicle-moments to attend to. Frankly I don't care, it's far more satisfying as a customer to voice my frustrations in print than to shout them at your unending hold music. Forgive me, therefore, if I continue.

I thought credit card scammers were shit, that they had attained the holy piss-pot of god-awful customer relations, that no-one, anywhere, ever, could be more disinterested, less helpful or more obstructive to delivering service to their customers. That's why I chose Barristers Charles, Kafi and former Ivory Coast First Lady Guei, and because, well, there isn't anyone else is there? How surprised I therefore was, when I discovered to my considerable dissatisfaction and disappointment what a useless shower of bastards you truly are. You are sputum-filled pieces of distended rectum incompetents of the highest order.

Credit card scammers - wankers though they are - shine like brilliant beacons of success, in the filthy puss-filled mire of your seemingly limitless inadequacy. Suffice to say that I have now given up on my futile and foolhardy quest to receive any kind of service from you. I suggest that you cease any potential future attempts to contact me for the services which you have so pointedly and catastrophically failed to deliver - any such activity will be greeted initially with hilarity and disbelief quickly be replaced by derision, and even perhaps bemused rage.

I have also mailed you copies of this letter to the addreses you have provided. I enclosed two small deposits, selected with great care from my cats litter tray, as an expression of my utter and complete contempt for both you and your pointless company. I sincerely hope that they have not become desiccated during transit - they were satisfyingly moist at the time of mailing, and I would feel considerable disappointment if you did not experience both their rich aroma and delicate texture. Consider them the very embodiment of my feelings towards Lome, Togo, and its worthless population.

Have a nice day - may it be the last in you miserable short life, you irritatingly incompetent and infuriatingly unhelpful bunch of twats.

With Warmest Regards,

Danito McLachenstein
CEO Freedom Alley Studios

Ion Farmer VS the wife of the former president of Coted’Ivore

I can't believe how lucky I was to get yet another letter from a completely independent source.

Date: Thu, 29 Sep 2005 01:05:21 +0100 (BST)
From: "nadia guei" (mrsnadiaguei@yahoo.co.uk)
Subject: PLEASE REPLY ME IMMEDIATELY .......

Dear Danito McLachenstein,


I know this message must have come to you as a surprise package.In brief, my name is Mrs .NADIA GUEI the wife of the former president of Coted’Ivore Robert Guei. However,both my husband is dead and my children including I,has been sent to exile by the combined military force team from the West African sub-region (Ecomog) with some ivorean militries right now we are not comfortable Imagine us under going all this stress because of power, Please I call for your immediate assistant I am a widow even (CNN )cover the news about the death of my late husband Late Robert Guei.pls you can view the

website:http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/africa/2269238.stm

Before we left to exile my husband been the bread winner of the family he for seen what will happen withtime, he now used his power while on Government to moved.Some trunk boxes contained ($52,000.000.00 million U.S.D.) cash deposited it with a security company in lome Togo as a famaily valueiable Items for security reason. Now we need your assistance to move this money to any country of your choice abroad. all along we are waiting so that every Issue of my husand must have cool down and forgotten a little before we will proceed on this transaction.When the funds are properly secured,

we will joint invest yielding stock and business on Your advice your compensation for your immediate assistance is 25% of the cash, 5% for expenses, 70% for my family your urgent reply indicating your interest will help me in no small measure to stop further contact, all other details will be made know to you and more importantly you have to treat this transaction as very confidential as the hope of my entire families survivals is placed on this boxesThanks for your good understanding We wait for your immediate correspondence please attach your private Telephone and Fax numbers, This is a risk free transactions.

Best Regards,
Mrs.Nadia Guei

Hoooooo. . .boy. Here we go. . . .


Dear Mrs. Nadia Guei-

You are indeed right when you imply that this message is a "surprise package" (heh, heh, heh), but you can rest soundly, because I know what a "surprise package" can mean to a lonely widow. You are in great luck that you have contacted me of all people, my little Schweinefleischplätzchen!

You stated that you have taken "trunk boxes contained ($52,000.000.00 million U.S.D.) cash deposited it with a security company in lome Togo". I can put you in touch with my man in Lome, Togo. There is a barrister that I know well in Tome, Logo. His name is Ottis Charles, Esquire, and he happens to be one of the best damn lawyers this world has ever produced. I think that he has a contract that requires the Devil to forfeit his sole to Esquire Charles, because a slivetongueded bastard, that's what he is, Ma'am. Remember, he didn't go to 15 years of Esquire school to be called Mister!

I am currently involved in a MAJOR deal with Esquire Charles, (that will make us both fabulously wealthy beyond, well it will be beyond anything that I can think of). Unfortunately, I have not been able to call Esquire Charles. My sister in law has been using my phone and she used up all our minutes this month, so I have to get a new phone and car. I swear, the lady is driving me crazy. I was hoping our mobile phone company, L. Vlassic JunglePhono, would reactivate my account with a new phone number this weekend, but either they are out of the office or something. I apologize, but my sister in law spends all day on the phone and she stole all of my minutes and my eyesight with her crazy shenanigans, so we had to cut off her phone number and put her back into the Basement Rocket, which is what we call the storage closet in the basement that the air vent goes into and makes all these crazy noises nonstop and belches coal dust all over the place.

Regardless, I am very sorry for not contacting him. Once I go to L. Vlassic JunglePhono on Thursday and get my new phone number created, I will call him on it and give him my bank information. There's this guy, William Ralston, and he's on me like a backpack to make a decision about that deal I got going. Like I said, I would've done so earlier, but my stupid sister in law completely demolished my phone with her face and now I just have to wait to get a new number. Sometimes it's really hard living in a house with your wife, nine kids, her parents, her sister, and your brother and his two kids and their grandparents and their grandparents' daughters. It's like a madhouse in here, lots of arguing, fisticuffs, entrenchment in forbidden drama, and all that crazy family stuff. It's enough to make me insane! But I'm not insane and I think all the puppets know this.

I think that you are in an unique position Mrs Guei, as US$52,000,000,000,000.00 is a reasonable downpayment to get in on the ground floor of an arrangement that Esquire Charles and myself have in the works. Have you ever been exposed to the lastest emergency technology that the World Wide Web ("WWW" for short, but dont let my sophisticated jargon distract you)has to offer? I am speaking, of course, of the WTC Memorial Rooftop Parachute Kits. Although, your immediate family has snuffed it in quite a dramatic and eccentric manner, I will assume that you still have loved ones that you care about. The combined military force team from the West African sub-region (Ecomog)is still out there, Mrs. Guei, and they could be beating the bushes right now for you or other members of your family. I can think of no better protection for the ones you love, and it would be monument to your devotion as a former mother and wife. The WTC Memorial Rooftop Parachute Kits can not only save you from terrorists, but was designed specifically for the harried housewife and her busy work-a-day chores, whether it be selecting the proper pate for the next Social Ball (and, hot damn talmale, Ahab, how I long for more Balls!) or fleeing panic-stricken from blood-thirsty guerrillas who are toppling some puppet power structure.

Anyways, here that contact information for that attorney:

Barrister OTTIS CHARLES
Royal House Chambers
Solicitors & Advocates
Block 2, Flat 5, Rue du Boulevard,
PB 491,Lome-Togo,
West-Africa.

Hopefully, I will be hearing from him soon in regards to our transaction, and if you need further assistance I would be glad to offer some. If I don't hear from either of you I will assume that you both have perished in an auto accident and will await further instructions regarding your assets.

-Danito McLachenstein
CEO of Freedom Alley Studios

This stuff is just too good.

Ion Farmer VS The Greed of Ottis Charles Esq.

Well, it looks like maybe I have gone too far with Barrister Charles Esquire. I have not received an reply from him and that bothers me. Mostly because not only have I lost a financial opportunity, I dare day that I have also lost a damn good attorney. I was hoping that he could represent me in a important case I have coming up concerning how fast the State of Massachusetts thinks I should drive a vehicle, and how fast I think I should drive a vehicle. In an attempt to spend more quality time together, I proposed a counter offer to Barrister Ottis Esquire today. I'm hoping that he can see the wisdom in the decision before him.

My Dear Charles Ottis Esquire,

I have important news for you, my level headed friend!

Monday, I had become aware of a cable that was sent to me: A diamond mine has been discovered in the American West! The cable came from a reliable source - William Ralston, owner of the bank of California. At first I was skeptical, and I showed the cable to a fellow financial guru, Ellington "Rad Boy" Rothschild (who for some reason hasn't been able to have the members of our social club update his nickname since the 80's), and said that this must be a joke. Rad Boy said, "Don't be too sure about that. America is a very large country. It has furnished the world with many surprises already. Perhaps it has others in store." Upon hearing that, I immediately booked passage to San Francisco.

I arrived early yesterday morning, and let me tell you, there is an excitement in the air here that hasn't been felt since the Gold Rush days of the late 1840's. Mr. Ralston showed me a video of two fairly crusty prospectors named Phillip Arnold and John Slack. They are the ones who found the diamond mine at a location in Wyoming, which they will not disclose. They had blind-folded a highly respected mining expert, and drove a circular route for several hours to take him to the mine. Fortunately, there was no video of this surely monotonous footage! What the video did show was this expert watching as the miners dug up the diamonds, the expert taking the gems to various jewelers in San Francisco, one of whom had estimated their worth at US$15,000,000.

Mr. Ralston and I asked Arnold and Slack to accompany Us back to New York, where the jeweler, Charles Tiffany III will verify the original estimates. The prospectors were uneasy about this and have brought up good points: How can they trust us? What is Tiffany and the fellow financiers steal the whole mine from under them? So Ralston made a proposal, He would give them US$1,000,000 now and put another US$3,000,000 in an escrow account. If the deal went through they would be paid an additional US$3,000,000. The miners agreed.

This morning in New York, we held a meeting at the mansion of Samuel L. Barlow. In attendance were General George Brinton McClellan, General Benjamin Butler, the editor of one of the New York papers, Horace Greeley, Mr. Ralston, Mr. Tiffany III, and myself. Slack and Arnold were not in attendance, as tourists in New York, they decided to go sight-seeing.

Tiffany III announced that the gems were real and worth a fortune, and let me tell you, myself and the other financiers almost pooped, just a little bit. I e-mailed (electronic message) Rad Boy and let him know the good news and to see if he wanted in on the investment. But now I have second thoughts.

Here is my proposal: You have access to US$7,500,000. I have a US bank account. Do you think that there is a way that we could broker a deal to buy out the prospectors at US$7,500,000 which is just a hair more that the money that they have waiting in escrow? Tiffany is sending his own mining experts and their team out to the site in Wyoming to verify its authenticity, and we should have word within a short time as to the legitimacy of this site. If we could act quickly, we could steal the deal and reap an investment many, many times more than the comparably small investment.

Please let me know your thought concerning this manner, in as timely a manner as possible.

Estne volumen in toga, an solum tibi libet me videre,


Danito McLachenstein
CEO Freedom Alley Studios

Yeah, I know that everyone in this letter, except myself, has been dead for almost a century, but I'm hoping that Tome, Logo, West Africa doesn't have a curriculum that is heavy on American History Studies.

Ion Farmer VS Tome, Logo West Africa / Austrailia

You know, what surprises me about the legal profession is the kindness, humanity, warmth, and patience that continue to be bestowed upon obvious basket cases like myself. Young pre-law and barrister wanna-be's, take note: You would be wise to travel to Lome, Togo, West Africa / Austrailia and tutor under Barrister Ottis Charles, Esq.

Let me have answers this questions.and try to call me if you mean business.i do not need your money

1.Your full name
2.Your contact and mailing address
3.Your private telephone and fax number
4.Your age
5.Your statue
6.Your proffesion
7.Scan copy of your international passport or driver's license

Regards

Ottis C. ESQ

Although brisk and to the point I had to explain myself a little. I'm just trying to help this man out. I like to help. I'm a helpful guy. Just like helpin'.

Esqire Charles-

Thank you for your prompt reply. Sorry it took me over a day to respond (as those precious children from "Full House" would say, "how rude! You are a horrible Chinaman!"), but we've been getting a lot of business lately and it's hard to keep up. We recently started selling "WTC Memorial Rooftop Parachute Kits" which are home protection packages to allow people to parachute from the roof of their house when terrorists pilot their planes into them. With this recent skirmish in Iraq and the whole North Korea thing, the sales of WTC Memorial Rooftop Parachute Kits are going very strong and we're pulling in a lot of money from them. The secret lies in the fact that the actual parachute is just a nylon blanket with knitting yarn attached to a Korn backpack! Don't tell anybody though, as I want the money to keep rolling in :-P~~~~~~~

By the way, that :-P~~~~~ thing was a silly smile, it's used on the Inter-net to denote silly smiles, sorry if it confused you, I know you West Africans aren't experts with it comes to those things.

Anyway back onto business: I am interested in sending you all of my bank information as soon as possible, but I don't know what information you need. I went up to my bank Monday and said "Give me all the information for Tome-Logo" but they weren't able to help me out so I had to come home and somehow my socks caught fire on the way back (but that's a different story). What I need you to tell me is exactly what information I need to ask for so I can get this process started and find myself on the vaginal trail to money and success. Also I noticed your e-mail (electronic message) address ( barristerottis1@yahoo.com.au ) was in Austrailia. Will this affect our transaction to Tome-Logo?

Please write back at your earliest convenience. My bank does not open until 8:30 am on Wednesday, so I would appreciate it if you could contact me before then. I will be able to get to the bank around 1:30 PM because my two kids are coming into town and I have to turn off all the lights and act like I'm not here so they don't start demanding child support or whatever insane things their harpy mother is hammering into their heads. Also I think the postman is spying on me.

Thank you very much,

Danito McLachenstein
CEO of Freedom Alley Studios

Ion Farmer VS Nigeria

I recieved an email over the weekend and I could repress my desire to screw around with this guy. The e-mail is as follows:

Royal House Chambers
Solicitors & Advocates
Block 2, Flat 5, Rue du Boulevard,
PB 491,Lome-Togo,
West-Africa.


Dear McLachenstein,

I am Barrister Charles Ottis, a legal practitioner, I am the personal attorney to Mr.J.McLachenstein, a national Of your country, who used to work with Shell Development Company in Lome Togo. He used to be my client my client.

On the 11th of June 2001, my client, his wife and their only daughter were involved in a car accident along Nouvissi express Road. All occupants of the vehicle unfortunately lost their lives. Since then I have made several enquiries to your embassy here to locate any of my clients extended relatives, this has also proved unsuccessful.

After these several unsuccessful attempts, I decided to track his last name over the Internet, to locate any member of his family hence I contacted you.I have contacted you to assist in repartrating the fund valued at US$7.5 million left behind by my client before it gets confisicated or declared unserviceable by the Finance Firm where this huge amount were deposited. The said Finance Company has issued me a notice to provide the next of kin or have his account confisicated within the next twenty one official working days.

Since I have been unsuccesfull in locating the relatives for over two years now, I seek the consent to present you as the next of kin to the deceased since you have the same last names, so that the proceeds of this account can be paid to you.

Therefore, on receipt of your positive response, we shall then discuss the sharing ratio and modalities for transfer.I have all necessary information and legal documents needed to back you up for claim. All I require from you is your honest cooperation to enable us see this transaction through. I guarantee that this will be executed under legitimate arrangement that will protect you from any breach of the law.

Best Regards,
Charles Ottis Esq.
Lome Togo.

This sounded too good to be true, but having the nature of a venture capitalist I had to reply:

Dear CHARLES OTTIS,

Thank you VERY much for your email. This sounds like an incredible investment opportunity! However, I must ask you to please reassure me this is not a scam. Recently I received an e-mail (electronic message) from somebody claiming to be the King of Assylvania, which he said was a small island off the coast of Port Togaf. He said that, due to economic problems in his country, he needed to deposit approximately $190 million in my checking account so it wouldn't be seized by the coup about to take place and topple his government and church / missile silo. I promptly sent him my checking information and a downpayment to help with the transfer of the money, and he replied shortly after, claiming he needed more money to prepare the money and send it over. I sent a few more checks and waited for a reply, but then my email client crashed and I was never able to get in contact with him. All in all, I lost about $4,000 through him, but I at least sleep better at nights knowing that I helped King Jephque escape the economic hardships that Assylvania was experiencing during The Irritable Mango Wars of 2002. I'm still waiting for him to contact me again, and I assume it's only a matter of time.

I am sorry to hear that you are in a similar problem, but I am more than willing to help. Since you are CHARLES OTTIS, a barrister associated with the Shell Development Company, in Lome Togo, I assume you know your financial ins and outs, and I trust your judgment. Plus the idea of a big fat check for $48 million just sounds fabulous! I can't believe I was lucky enough to be chosen for this deal! Praise Allah you contacted me!

Please inform me as to what I need to do next to claim this impressive amount of money. I can fly down to Lome Togo, if you wish, as my parents own a small airline chartering service which has provided transport for such famous celebrities as Rutger Hauer, Paul Williams, Charles Nelson Riley, and the guy who played Hannibal's stunt double on "The A-Team." I have no problem lending you the money needed to help you out and make the big bucks for this. Ever since I refused to buy stock in EMC when it was at 80, my parents have been mocking me for my poor business sense. After I get that check for $52 million in my account, we'll see who's laughing then! It will be me! Laughing at them! Because I'll have enough money to kill them off like nine times each.

As I mentioned above, please write back as soon as you can and let me know what I need to do to claim this $58 million reward. You seem like a very honest and trustworthy guy like my partner Sam Jain, so I'm open for any suggestions you may have. Please respond quickly, as I can't wait to get the ball rolling! And oh god how I love balls!

Good luck, and may the God Beearthur shine upon you, my dear friend,

- Danito McLachenstein
CEO of Freedom Alley Studios

It was only 24 hours later that I recieved my a response, and I knew I had something solid in the works:

Dear Danito McLachenstein,
Thanks for your mail and readiness to assist me in this transaction, like i told you ealier,this transaction is real,legitmate and legal.100% risk free, all you need to do, is to follow my instruction.
I am happy that you are ready to come here, as we proceed we shall arrange for your arrival here in lome Togo to see things for yourself.

Once more, i assure you that this is not a SCAM. you are not going to brige any law,niether for your country or mine,this transaction will be under legitmate ground and nothing will be of a lost to you.
Although your past experence,am sorry for what ever you went through.

Do not forget, i dont have a similar problem with your last contact.i am a lawyer here in lome Togo and my client the owner of the funds died in a motor accident,and now you have the same last name with him,that is why i want us to work as a partner to see that the funds is repaturate to you in your country as the next of kin, then later we share the proceeds.

I will like you to forward the following datas to me,as we proceed.
1.Your full name
2.Your contact and mailing address
3.Your private telephone and fax number
4.Your age
5.Your statue
6.Your proffesion
7.Scan copy of your international passport or driver's license



As soon as i have this data, i will proceed to send to you the next line of action, pls inidcate if you will like us to meet before the commenement of this transaction, or at the transfering point of this transaction?

I will like you to call me on my private telephone as soon as you get this mail.
+2289294354
Regards
Ottis. Charles ESQ

This is GREAT!! I fired off a witty repartee this morning:

Dear Mr. Esquire Ottis. Charles

Thank you very much for your prompt reply. I did not know you were an Esquire! This just reaffirms my belief that you are a fine upstanding citizen whom I can trust implicitly, just like my brother Thomas who is an Esquire. He recently won over $500,000 at the racetrack after betting on the horse "Mama's Leaky Cyst", and if Thomas can make this kind of money by being an Esquire who specializes in footbone replacement radar technologies, I know I can trust you to do the same!

You mentioned "you are not going to brige any law" and I cannot agree with you more. I feel invisible hands all over me right now, Esquire Ottis. Charles, and they're pushing me to help you out. If I didn't feel like I had Jesus in the brain right now, I might be more cautious, but I feel you are a trustworthy individual whom I can try to help out for this experience of a lifetime.
I understand that the transfer of all that money will cost a piggy penny, as I've seen how they transport money to the Nike Shoe Deposit at the outlet mall where I live on the I-95, and I bet it costs money to operate those armored trucks and pay the guys who drive them and carry the large bags of money. I also know how much lawyers cost, because when I fell out of the tree at Fenway Park I needed to get a lawyer and settle out of court with the bird trainer who was clearly at fault. I know how expensive these things are, so just tell me what amount of money I need to send and I'll start withdrawing it from my "Rainy Day Christmas" fund so we can get the proverbial "ball" rolling, Esquire Ottis. Oh sweet Christ, let's get balls rolling.

Thank you very much for offering me the coordinates all through to your house, but that won't be necessary. My parents airline chartering service isn't working this week, so I can't come visit you until either next week or later, depending on if I can find somebody to look over my emu farm. It's hard to find good animal workers where I live, so it might take me some time to physically meet up with you. In the meantime, could you please send me a preliminary estimation of how much money you'll need to get this plan started? As I said before, I've got more than enough "mad money" saved up from the time I sold all those Harry Potter snuff porn books on eBay.

I feel more than ever that the invisible hands of providence in my affairs are gently gliding me to do business with you and your glory hole. Please write back at once and let me know what to do next.

Thank you kindly,

- Danito McLachenstein
CEO of Freedom Alley Studios

What will my fortunes hold? How can I not afford to find out? Hopefully, there will be more financial shenanigans this week!

Dissatisfaction & New Games

Well, the weekend came and went, and it left me feeling the need to make some minor changes in my life. I'm excited a little bit about that. Dissatisfaction is one of my favorite emotions, not as gratifying as "righteous indignation", but I guess that's why it's called dissatisfaction. Not being satisfied is cool, because it makes you see the reality of your life and what you can do to make it better. It's those little distinctions in the everyday unimportant decisions that are made that guide you in your overall direction in life, and like everybody else, I've got some that are taking me in a direction I don't want to go.

When I look back on my last six months, and the changes that I have already made in my life, I find it amazing on a personal level, and there is no reason that I cannot continue to strive for a higher quality life. Focus is a funny thing, because it allows you to penetrate barriers that would otherwise stop you. Life is such a mental game, wherein your attitude and the way that you perceive situations alter your reality. It's like magic, and the real power of magic is its ability to alter the present. Now stop screwing around and get back to work!

Speaking of screwing around, I added a bunch of games to My Website including the Atari classic, Adventure, and some 80's arcade games. There's also some Kewlbox games with the power player codes available. Enjoy!

Pictures of the Wedding

Well, the wedding photos are coming in from friends and family and we are scrabbling to get them organized and edited so that we can share them. I've posted some wedding pictures so that they can be viewed. CLICK HERE! I am using a picture service associated with yahoo called FLICKR which has a program to upload large batches of pictures. Well see how it holds up to the massive amount of images I have in store.

Arrrrrgh!

Avast, dear Mateys! I be secretly weaving a hornpipe of satisfication. Tis International Talk Like A Pirate Day and there be bilgerats and lubbers awash with ignorance. You'ld be well advised to sound your lingo smartly. Arrrrrgh! If you are doing nothing, mumbling "tomyhoood ay" under your breath will make look like a nifty german pirate.

Top Ten Pickup lines for use on International Talk Like a Pirate Day

10. Avast, me proud beauty! Wanna know why my Roger is so Jolly?
9. Have ya ever met a man with a real yardarm?
8. Come on up and see me urchins.
7. Yes, that is a hornpipe in my pocket and I am happy to see you.
6. I'd love to drop anchor in your lagoon.
5. Pardon me, but would ya mind if fired me cannon through your porthole?
4. How'd you like to scrape the barnacles off of me rudder?
3. Ya know, darlin’, I’m 97 percent chum free.
2. Well blow me down?

And the number one pickup line for use on International Talk Like a Pirate Day is …

1. Prepare to be boarded.


Bonus pickup lines (when the ones above don't work, as they often won't)

They don’t call me Long John because my head is so big.
You’re drinking a Salty Dog? How’d you like to try the real thing?
Wanna shiver me timbers?
Arrrgh, bend over and I'll bury me treasure.
I’ve sailed the seven seas, and you’re the sleekest schooner I’ve ever sighted.
Brwaack! Polly want a cracker? … Oh, wait. That’s for Talk Like a PARROT Day.
That’s the finest pirate booty I’ve ever laid eyes on.
Let's get together and haul some keel.
That’s some treasure chest you’ve got there.

Top Ten Pickup Lines for the Lady Pirates
By popular demand ...

10. What are YOU doing here?
9. Is that a belayin' pin in yer britches, or are ye ... (this one is never completed)
8. Come show me how ye bury yer treasure, lad!
7. So, tell me, why do they call ye, "Cap'n Feathersword?"
6. That's quite a cutlass ye got thar, what ye need is a good scabbard!
5. Aye, I guarantee ye, I've had a twenty percent decrease in me "lice ratio!"
4. I've crushed seventeen men's skulls between me thighs!
3. C'mon, lad, shiver me timbers!
2. RAMMING SPEED!

...and the number one Female Pirate Pick-up Line:
1. You. Pants Off. Now!

Now, there Ye be. Stick to the Code.

Five Points Wharf

We took a walk this morning, then later we'll go Georgetown pottery.

The View From The Back Porch

After a good long walk, it feels so good to sit in the rocker on the back porch.

My business is on the rise.

We're lazing about today, just coming back from a linch of clams and scallops at Mama D's. We learned along the way that most of the other guests were in the medical field. This morning the conversation shifted as to what I did. I wanted to fit in to, so I told them that I designed penile implant balloons. I think that they were on to me when I told them that they were highly customizable, and you could work them just like ballon animals.

The Dog, Marley

Since we've been here we've adopted this pup as our own. It's not as eventful as it may sound though, as he is mostly into sunning himself on the porch and napping in the shrubbery. He is named after the Jamaican mucisian.

The Captain Crunch

Brother, let me tell you, I seen a macho thing or two in my time. Just knowing Charlie Cavendish and the Neff brothers will entitle you to that, but this blue boat in the middle out machos most. There is a crows nest about 25 feet off the water that includea the helm and throttles. Hell, yeah! I'd like to take that out for a little yee-haw riding. She's called the "Captain Crunch".

General Store

The Georgetown General Store is where we stocked up on gear for our beach outing today. A genuine general store is so hard to find, but takes me back when I do.

Candid Snapshots of Our Nuptials

This is a picture that my mother snapped of the ceremony. That's the USS Constitution in the background.

Maine

Hey Everybody,
?
?We're having a great time up here. The Coveside Bed and Breakfast is a great retreat. Everything here is simple and there is lobster galore. It really is an amazing area, and since it is the off-season, it's like it is our personal coastal town. If you plan to get married, do yourself a favor and have a honeymoon right away. You deserve it, you'll need it, and you'll never fathom how you could have done without it!
?
?By the way, I'm updating my blog (http://www.ionfarmer.blogspot.com) with my HP6315 and a weak cellular signal. I plan to have more blog pics posted as long as the signal holds out!

Hanging At The Beach (pt. 2)

The older lady I met up here told me that this was her temple. Then she told me she was from Ohio, and suddenly what she was saying was all so clear.

Hangin' At The Beach (pt. 1)

Abby and I hit the beach this morning. September is a great time to be here, everything is pretty vacant and it's still warm enough to enjoy.

Five Points Wharf

I could and probably will walk around here all day.

I am honeymooning in Maine. . .

This is the Coveside B & B, where Abby and I are spending the Honeymoon.