Ion Farmer VS Ottis Charles AND Fred Kwarme

Date: Fri, 30 Sep 2005 21:07:59 +1000 (EST)
From: "CHARLES OTTIS" barristerottis1@yahoo.com.au

Subject: I need this informations pls


Dear McLachenstein ,

I gone through your mail and i want to let you know that this not a child's play because the way you are handling it does not show any sign of seriousness.Please once again i will like you to provid to me all these informations so that we can forge ahead ,please it is important.

1.Your full name
2.Your contact and mailing address
3.Your private telephone and fax number
4.Your age
5.Your statue
6.Your proffesion
7.Scan copy of your international passport or driver's license


Thanks and remain bless



Sincerely

Barrister Fred Kwame.


Uh oh! Fred Kwame is on to me! I think he's playing good cop / bad cop on me! Luckily I'm dumb cop, so his Vulcan Jedi mind tricks do not work on me!

Dear Barrister Ottis Charles, Esquire / Barrister Fred Kwame, Not-Esquire,

I do not think that there is any child's play involved here, or horse play either, if you get my meaning, my international friend(s). I hope I don't sound stupid to you, since you write alot better than me!

Sorry I haven't called you, but I've been involved in living my life long dream. You ever hear of "Big Texas Monsters of Rodeo?" Yeah pardner, we gots a league in Pantalones Del Fuego, Texas, for "Big Texas Monsters of Rodeo" over here. We compete and call it "Tall Sky Rope Rodeo". We get a young buck, throw it in the rodeo, and throw ropes and barrels at it until it starts running around, then we try to jump on it from above. I almost lost an arm last year in the Cabeza de Oro championships! It's a dag-burned blast pardner! We herd a bunch of cattle into a ring, which has broken glass and nails all over it! Then we got to jump on all the cows backs and try to rope them! Me and my friend Spermy Joe got first and second place in the "Twist n' Tuck" competition last month! It was on ESPN 3! Did you see it? Then people in the audience throw liquor bottles at our heads! Then the lights go out and we gotta rope the cows in the dark! It's not illegal! Spermy Joe got the name when he was in the Tri-State Metro "Ranch House Swing Barnacle" competition against last year's winner, Cliffy B. I swear to GOD, that man cheats! He spread some kind of shit all over Spermy Joe's saddle, and when Spermy Joe went to put it on the clown's back, he couldn't stay on, so he fell off into the pit of tar. I don't think I need to tell ya he lost. We had to buy new hypodermic needles too, cause the clown got em all broken off in his eye.

I got a few concussions, and I sometimes pass out for a few seconds.

I paid for my wife with the money I earned from winning "The San Antonio Salad Toss" last year! The first one I bought gets a little, shrewish about it though. Cindy, the blonde, gets on my nerves when I go out drinkin'. See, I get all jumpy when I'm liquored up, I start hoppin' and rotating all over the place like a crazy nut after a few shots, and Cindy got mad at me for that. One day after I picked her up from the hospital, she was still mad because I got drunk and dropped plaster on her head. It was an accident though! Me and Spermy Joe were repainting the attic! So, after I threw the plaster at her, I pushed her into the cornfield and me and Spermy Joe tried to run her down with the tractor! I do that sometimes. She asks me to, because she's getting a little fat and needs to exercise. Me, I work out by practicing for next month's "Big Texas Monsters of Rodeo" on ESPN 7. I gotta work up my resistance to mule poison or else I'm gonna get my ass kicked during the "Tuscaloosa Fornication" event! Beth gets jealous sometimes. She says I spend too much time at work and working out and shit, beating on shit and stuff, and she's worried that

Whoops, sorry pardner, must've passed out for a sec there! Man, I sure feel like a jackhole!

In the meantime, I was able to dig up some of my old bank account statements and stuff. Keep in mind that I'm not good with bank stuff so this may not be what you're looking for, but perhaps this can help you in some way before I visit my bank tomorrow. Here's a copy of the information:

JAN 21 : 1019281 - 182.32726 sax 5th (scarf)
8836152-029172-8825141-8008135: west
1.e4 1...d5 2.exd5 1.Nf3 1...e5 2.Nxe5
us company of hair fetish videos - $281.73 - 3621923.28152 - 3009172 - 7791

Like I said, I'm not sure what all this means, but I'm hoping some of it is helpful to you. I'll get concrete information when I go to the bank tomorrow and get my phone service turned on (unless, of course, my sister in law escapes from the Basement Rocket and tries to drive my car into Deadman's Gulch like she did last time she ran out of painkillers and was convinced the color pink was trying to murder her mother). I'll call you from the bank and I'll ask them "Give me all the Tome, Logo information" and tell you all of it. Or would you like me to put one of the bank tellers on the phone so they can speak to you personally? I know one of the ladies there, she's really nice, you could lick syrup off her sweet ass, especially if you're barristers of the forbidden arts, Fred & Ottis.

Anyway, please get back to me as soon as you can to let me know if this will work for you. If I don't hear from you by Monday, I will assume you are dead.

- Danito McLachenstein
CEO of Freedom Alley Studios

I have no idea what those random numbers and gibberish in the middle means, except the third line is a whole bunch of lousy chess moves. As anybody with medical experience can see, I appear to have severe mental problems. Fortunately, I don't think they know what brains are or how to study them in Lome, Togo / Africa, because the Barrister Twins still seemed excited to do business with me.