My Buddy, Warner

My friend Warner called the other day. I used the Magnum PI thing because he used to get that a lot when the show was on because of his resemblance. He's a tall guy, about 6'2", muscular, with a "chomach" (A registered trademark of Warner, meaning a large and not separated chest and stomach). I went to college for a while with Warner in the early nineties, when he was ending an era and I was just beginning mine. He said that we'd always keep in touch, and I said that he was wrong, a little time and we'd forget it all. I'm glad I was wrong. We went to college at Glenville State College and being that we were basically city folk and we found ourselves in rural West Virginia, we had to create our own entertainment. I guess that was the draw to the friendship -- we are hyper creative.

I learned from Warner, and still do, and in that way I'm lucky to have a mentor. A mentor who basically was born with a golden horseshoe up his ass, but a great mentor none the less. Here are 10 lessons from Warner:

1) There are 3 things that make a person more attractive, working behind a bar, being on stage, and money.

2) Take time to do good in little ways, like stop and help the turtle cross the highway. It gives you good karma points and that's important because

3) You can't shade God.

4) When going to a upper class event, always wear the cheapest, offbeat cologne you can find. The preferred brand is Mexicali Musk ("It Will Make You A Wanted Man"). Available a Dollar General Stores.

5) A deep respect and love of the ocean that I never had, although after serving my time in the Navy on a submarine, I am occasionally heard uttering, "I hate the sea and everything in it."

6) Life is basically a dream that you can control. Things are not the way they seem and you can change them at anytime to your favor.

7a) Don't be afraid of a physical ass beating. If you feel strongly about something that's wrong, do something about it. If you win, you've proved your point and if you lose, it still plays well, because no one else was brave enough to raise the issue.

7b) If you can't beat them with your strength, dazzle them with your footwork.

8) Let the little things survive. The fly that annoys you, at the end of the day, wants the same thing you do; to go home to his family.

9) The most debaucherous of souls gains respect with age.

10) Max Samples office mail Slot can scar you for life.

Cheat…Grocery Stores

When buying beer at the grocery store, grab a 12-pack and go to the self-checkout line. Twist a can so the bar code is pointed out and scan the can instead of the bar code on the cardboard. It rings up as a six-pack instead of a 12.

What you hear on the bus.

Crazy Guy: (repeatedly yelling) "I'm taking over! I'm taking over!"

Bus passengers: (uncomfortable silence for a minute)

Crazy Guy: "That wasn't much of a take over."