How to Use Demonic Chatter to Improve Your Life

HAVE demons been talking to you lately? Don't panic! You can learn loads of valuable information from the chatty minions of Satan -- including tidbits about future business trends you can use to get rich in this Informative article from the Weekly World News. The article includes this helpful warning:

"About 95 percent of what demons say should be ignored -- for example, if they tell you to drown your children."

Here's the breakdown:

1 STRING THE DEMON ALONG -- If the evil entity asks you to sell your soul to Satan, feign interest to keep it talking as long as possible.

2 FOLLOW UP ON CLUES -- If the demon promises that surrendering to Lucifer will make you the richest person in the world in 10 years, nonchalantly ask who the second richest will be then.

"Later do an Internet search for the name," suggests Wiltex. "If you find it's a young entrepreneur, invest in his fledgling business."

3 PRAISE FOLKS YOU WANT TO SNOOP ON -- If you tell the demon your boss is an "upstanding Christian" who says the Devil is full of lies, the demon might shoot back, "He's boinking Judy in accounting" -- a useful fact to have in your pocket next time you ask for a raise. "If you praise your daughter's morals, the demon may inform you that she smokes pot," says the expert.

4 ALWAYS CORROBORATE -- "If the demon says your wife is cheating on you, don't take it as gospel," says Wiltex. "Before you go for your shotgun, hire a private detective to make sure."

I have do doubt that a self-help audio series on this subject matter would sell better than the idea that America actually is under a constant terrorist threat! I'm not afraid, because I have my Duct Tape and Plastic Sheeting to protect me.

If the Emergency Broadcast System ever alerts anyone to anything, I'll be ready. Neither demons nor terrorism is a match for the 4 B's: Beans, Bibles, Bullets and Bandages. Oh yeah, Plastic Sheeting and Duct Tape, too.