Migrant Ion Farmer

Ion Farmer VS UK Law Enforcement Board

2009-03-20T11:53:00.008-05:00

This one comes from my man in PGH, Lenny Vlassic. It references Ubama whoever the hell that is. Nice.

-------- Original Message --------
Subject: Personal message:
Date: Wed, 18 Mar 2009 10:46:51 +0100
From: British law Enforcement britishlawenforcement2@liveinternet.ru

*/Personal message:/*

*/To The Attention Of Beneficiary,/*

*/The Board of federal law enforcement board UNITED KINGDOM in collaboration with the American president (Barrack Ubama) are hereby to notify you of your payment inheritance funds of (One hundred and twenty thousand pounds) 120,000 pounds after the meeting held on 13th of March 2009 in washington DC. His Excellence (Barrack Ubama) make it clear in the meeting that he will do every possible best to iradicate number of scammers in the world and for more details you can view the Website of madoff the great american scammer that was court.
/*
*//s/ap/20090312/ap_on_bi_ge/madoff_scandal /*

*/However you are advice to contact British foreign remittance office UK for the transfer of your fund and also indicate this code when contacting them (BN7412QS) /*

*/Contact/*

*/Attn Mr Fred Anderson
Foreign remittance Department
London Branch
Email: remforeign@aol.com

*/Make sure you indicate the code giving to you and send your full information to them for a faster response./*

*/Beneficiarey name---------------------
Your Address:---------------------------
Home telephone:---------------------
Office telephone:---------------------
Your picture:------------------------------
Identification card--------------
For further procedure Contact our payment officer with the information above./*

*/Note you should stop any conversation you have with any other person or company at the moment because number of fraud are too much and we are doing our best to stop it and don't share this with any other person except you as the beneficiary./*

*/Regards
Law enforcement Board/*

from US Law Enforcement Board (us.law.enforcement.board@gmail.com)
to remforeign@aol.com,
britishlawenforcement2@liveinternet.ru
date Fri, Mar 20, 2009 at 12:51 PM
subject Excise Case Number: 5318008/26-B

Excise Case Number: 5318008/26-B
Dear UK Law Enforcement Board:

This is the Law Enforcement Board of the UNITED STATES GOVERNMENT (E Pluribus Unum). As you are well aware via our monthly NATO publication, due to the excessive bailout out crisis we have been authorised to apply a confidential one time only bail-out tax of $1500.00 to all foreign government agencies operating within our borders, due immediately.

This one time excise can be processed immediately and can be carried forward via standard financial instruments and delivered via all standard services to:

Foreign Excise Processing Center
358 Dory Road
Gloucester, MA 01920

This is a reminder that this debt is required to be rendered imediately and without question. A debate with the International Fair Trade and Services board has resulted that this tax be aplied to e-commerce as well and in this specific case it has been decided upon that this tax should be applied on an e-mail by e-mail basis in this case.

remforeign@aol.com: $1500.00 USD
britishlawenforcement2@li veinternet.ru: $1500.00 USD
UK Excise tax: $1500.00 USD
British and .ru domain cold-war temporal tax: $1500.00 USD

Grand Total $6000.00 USD
10% Processing Fee $6600.00 USD
6.5% VAT $7029.00 USD

Amount Due: $7029.00 USD

Regards,

Ophelia Cox
Clerk 26-B
US Law Enforcement Board

5 - Submarine Hate Poetry: My Statement

2009-03-13T10:53:00.001-05:00

My Statement

I could not tell you where or when or how the hell what I have been bound to by contract was created. In a life of despair and self-hatred, it isn’t uncommon to miss the details. The process of assembling this edifice of self flagellation is shrouded in a rich varnish of mystery, but I have my own speculations on its origins. The ship was forged under the direction of unholy passions and dark spirits. It is not obvious, this feeling, this preternatural knowledge. Not like the visible change of men’s personalities when they arrive here. That is one of the hints. The other hints come one by one. They must be carefully lured, like the squirrels old men feed in the park. No one knows why, but the truth and men distrust one another -- probably because they are so unfamiliar. To find the hints, one must be alone. Truly alone and beyond the strict influence of others. One must be in a dim place. That is not hard, there are many dim places around this ship. The sailing roster is full of dim places. When you find the location and the right time, it comes. It drips up from the cold, gritty deck plates, ropy sticky wisps of putrid incense. It is the souls of a thousand men they have senselessly sacrificed on this vessel. Sacrificed simply because a higher position allowed it. Because they could. Not even the dignity to name a god for whom the sacrifice took place. If you patiently wait in your time of understanding, those thousand men will whisper the name. It starts slow and deliberate, like a sleeping lover's breath. In the background, behind the action, you can hear the ship’s heart beat. Fans and pumps, whirring and turning, like an atheist’s prayer wheel. Moving and going no where. Electric symbols of Hell. Of life. In time, if you can withstand the agony and empathy you endure in your heart, the men’s voices will swirl into the Monsoon, into the Sierra, into the Nor’easter, into the wind-walking demon, Ithiqua itself. The name of this god comes from their mouths, an invader riding proudly, his horse over the corpses. “Career,” they howl. It haunts you in your private apocalypse. As you bond to the cold metal framing, abhorred and transfixed, revelations occur. The reactor is fuels by souls. This is not fantasy or speculation. This is fact. A “pipeline” has been established to ensure the nuclear reactor is always provided with fresh souls. When the new ones come you can physically differentiate the unbalance between those who come, and those who are here. The unblemished have too much soul. They don’t know it, but their soul panics as if a bird in a cat stalked cage. Light and feathered, it beats about the bars on the inside until it is dead and featherless. On the outside, the prey vainly attempts to motivate others around himself. The words pour like piss on a flat rock, with just as much meaning. Soon, with dark eyes and knotted hair, this parasitic host makes his duly appointed rounds mumbling, ”I don’t give a fuck.” When men get on the outside, out of the reactor's sphere of influence, they come back to life. They live. The bird, beaten and featherless, grows back its plumage and starts to sing. That is how you know it is a fact. You can know it to be true by this: When a hatch is opened, and a spear of sunlight stabs the engineroom in the heart, dusty oil suspended in air drips off the shaft of light. The men stir with slavering animal hunger for the outside. For the air. For the light. A vain attempt to temporarily regain their feathers. What those above you tell you and what the heart perceives are very different. I have been told that the reactor is filled with uranium. Do you know what uranium is? It is a word for the culmination of all the old gods. Of Loki and Quetzacoatl. Of Satan and Santa Claus. Of Zeus, Hera and Cookie Monster. All trapped inside, feeding on your soul. Uranium. A nether-place. Ubiquitous and unmentionable. The spiritual blackmail and ritual that must have gone on, to get them in there. Packed tight, like genie slum-housing. Hyman G. Rickover: Slumlord. An overtone from Uranium that comes out in the way crew’s berthing is designed, the way we live. So much influence in that lead shrouded sarcophagus. Uranium: The place where old gods go. In their image, we were created. Sacrifice. Contrition. Penance. Base genuflection. Prostration. All feeble attempts at immortality. At pleasing the irrational. Quite some futile passion, creating hope beyond reason.

That is all I know about the current ship's casualty

4 - Submarine Hate Poetry: Mission

2009-03-13T10:14:00.001-05:00

Mission

Don't dismiss the Anger
That has come
As the uninvited guest,
Anger is here with purpose and meaning
To transform and purify
Let this heat fuse
Interstitchal changes in your soul
Tempering your determination.
Quench the shaping fire
With the resolution of change
Harder. Stronger. Sharper.
Truer than before.
And when your ship is sailing
Steaming ahead on the twin engines of Anger and Purpose
Let all else break upon the brow of your will
Forging you further
On this chart
Of destiny.

3 - Submarine Hate Poetry: Vane

2009-03-13T10:09:00.003-05:00

Vane

When I sit and reason
I find my love belongs to her
And will not be separated.
It is as the immutable rhythm
That slyly sifts through the evening grasses,
And drives coal black cricket chirp.
The accusatory moon in the night:
A doorknob,
So the careless won’t wander
In starry space too long.
A decrepit cast iron weathercock.
Silhouette on gray farmhouse
Squeakily pointing the direction
From which the rust comes.

2 - Submarine Hate Poetry: Scorpio Rising

2009-03-13T09:50:00.003-05:00

On the island of Crete there is a bar by the name of Scorpio. This is located in an ancient harbor and of all the sailor bars in this mythical town, this one found a particularly solid place at the bottom of the list. This place had obscure European 70's classic rock blaring uncomfortably in a tinny manner, the musk of thousand of years of urine soaked into the stone floor, a rich patina of yellow tobacco smoke stickily lining the walls and horizontal surfaces, and a bevy of international young women to serve drinks as the owner held their work visa and passports whilst lowering their agreed upon wages. It was like a sailor's dream come to life!

Scorpio Rising

Dingy, yellow light
Confines us.
Preventing
the resolution of detail.
Money and
Emblems and
Identification and
Credit cards
Juxtaposed on the walls
like evidence of explosion.
An edifice to who we were.
Who we are.
In the dark recesses,
Tears cower
Held back by a dam of pride.
Some squeaky speaker
Parrots popular music
masking true emotion
Over and over.
Upstairs,
Next to the broken shitter,
I left my pride.

1 - Submarine Hate Poetry: An Introduction

2009-03-13T09:36:00.004-05:00

I have a confession: I count number the days that I spent on board a United States Los Angeles Class Submarine as the most baleful existence I could imagine (that is until the United States invented Camp X-Ray, Abu Grahib, and the non-combatant classification, which I can only guess from stories, is a category only slightly below non-human, seeing how these guys seem to miss out on basic animal rights. I support free-range prisoners, foreign and domestic. Apparently we just can't have too many prisoners in this country. I believe US Government should practice free range to achieve a humane certification, to reduce feed costs, to improve the happiness and liveliness of their ~~animals~~ prisoners, to produce a higher-quality institutional product, and improve breeding-yield so that a new generation of higher quality prisoners would always be available, reducing the dependence on foreign nations for non-combatant raids).

Don't get me wrong, this experience prepared me to deal with many miserable situations and gave me a technical skill set that I confidently use on a day to day basis, and there is little that can compare with that vital training. This training has opened opportunities for me and I am thankful for that. This experience also gave me the opportunity to make myself a volunteer, experience something that people try to imagine, get to practice a clandestine lifestyle, disappear off the face of the earth for months at a time, face bill collectors when I got back home, and stand up for the country that I loved.

But on a truly spiritual and emotional level this existence was barren for me. I often searched philosophically for purpose and meaning in what I was doing, beyond the standard rational of deterrence. I wanted something more. I needed something more and continually came up empty. I believe that the problem became the arbitrary politics of the boat itself, circling in an area beyond my influence.

I penned a hate haiku. It was December 1996 I had been trapped in a submarine for 6 months and was steaming home, my ex-wife had started her affair (that she didn't know that I had known about for months just by the tone in her voice) and I was completely frustrated with being on this submarine and how it was dictating my life. I wrote a standard 5-7-5 haiku, seething with hate:

December

Ball peen hammer hits.
Teeth head south like winter geese.
Better than Christmas.

I'm not even sure if it was directed at anyone as much as a catharsis by imagining a violent action, finding a moment of insight and tagging it with a shocker. I don't know if that description makes sense, but that's how I thought of it. Anyway that horrible poem made me feel better by venting it on paper and I decided that I would explore the concept of "Hate Poetry" as it applied to my day to day experiences at that time.

When I look back at these I realized how unhinged they seem and actually that was the style I was trying to emulate. I firmly believe that you have to be a little unhinged to serve effectively on a submarine, not dangerously, but you have to have the ability to let little things slide and address big things immediately and effectively. In writing for my submarine audience I wanted to see how loose I could get.

I've made a decision to post a few on this blog. They typically are an attempt to capture an emotion during specific events or activities, and some break down into stream of conscientiousness writing and I hope they are not too much to read. "Enjoy" is not the proper introduction for these smoldering gems, so here they are. They are what they are.

Ion Farmer VS iPowerweb: The Thrilla via Mozilla

2009-03-09T11:19:00.002-05:00

Jennifer Dwyer: Hi Ion Farmer. My name is Jennifer, how are you today?

Ion Farmer: HI, Jennifer, I'm good. My domain www.freedomalleystudios.com is down. I cannot load it from my browser, but I can log into the administration site via the administrtative homepage.

Jennifer Dwyer: Okay.

Jennifer Dwyer: I apologize for any inconvenience this has caused you.

Jennifer Dwyer: While I reviewing your account, I have noticed that you have not set the Security Question of your account. In order to set the Security Question of your account, please follow the steps given below:

Ion Farmer: Okay

Jennifer Dwyer: 1. Log into the Control Panel http://www.someserverhost.com/controlpanel/index.bml with username and password.

Jennifer Dwyer: 2. Click on 'Set Security Question' link under ‘Account Information’ section.

Jennifer Dwyer: 3. Click on the radio button 'New Profile'.

Jennifer Dwyer: 4. Enter the First Name, Last Name, and set the Security Question and the Security Answer.

Jennifer Dwyer: 5. Click on the 'Save' button.

Ion Farmer: Okay

Jennifer Dwyer: Are you able to set the Security Question?

Ion Farmer: Yes

Jennifer Dwyer: To protect your account from unauthorized changes, can you please verify for me the answer to the Security Question:

Jennifer Dwyer: What is the name of your pet?

Ion Farmer: Herbert.

Jennifer Dwyer: Thank you for the authentication.

Ion Farmer: No, thank you! I feel more secure already! I haven't felt this secure with the whole internet thing in years! I mean, at first, I was wary that Internet interactions would be subject to unethical activity due to the vail of anonymity, but that ends today! I don't think anyone would be able to untangle this Gordian knot of high-tech security!! Can we go over this, just one more time, how this, exactly, is protecting my account from unauthorized changes? I mean really, you have no idea who I am. I guess I could send you a image of a drivers license -er, I mean, my drivers license.

Ion Farmer: Hello?

Ion Farmer: What's the name of your pet?

Chat Information: Chat session has been terminated by the site operator.

Ion Farmer VS. Ocean State Electronics

2009-03-06T11:50:00.008-05:00

from ionfarmer
to ose@oselectronics.com
date Thu, Mar 5, 2009 at 12:08 PM
subject 2/19/2008 Order Status: 1235056853

Dear OSE Customer Service:

I am writing in regards to an order that was places 2/19/2008. The order number is 1235056853

I still have not received this shipment and understand that you are running a few days behind at the time the order was placed, but I surely thought that my order would have arrived by now. I have used Ocean State Electronics in the past as a source of needed parts for my projects, but I now question weather this relationship will continue. I made a similar order for parts using Parts-Express.com and have had them installed and waiting for their companion parts for nearly 2 weeks.

I tried to call for an order status and was, on many occasions, unable to get through with the number provided on your website. I am assuming I am not the only customer requesting a status update.

Could you please give me an estimate of when I could expect my parts to arrive or if they have even shipped yet?

Thank you in advance for you time,

Ionfarmer

to ionfarmer
from Ocean State Electronics
date Fri, Mar 6, 2009 at 10:56 AM
subject RE: 2/19/2008 Order Status: 1235056853

Sir, although you received a confirmation, we never received an order here for you at OSE. Sometimes, orders slip through the cracks with these electronic systems. If you re-submit your order, we will make sure all items are in stock and ship without delay. We apologize for the inconvenience.

from Ionfarmer
to Ocean State Electronics
date Fri, Mar 6, 2009 at 11:40 AM
subject Re: 2/19/2008 Order Status: 1235056853

Dear OSE Customer Service:

Thank you for your timely and witty response! I am still holding my belly from the whole "sometimes, orders slip through the cracks with these electronic systems" thing.

Ahh, good stuff!

Seriously, I am starting to think that my imagined image of the state of this company didn't do it justice! So, not only have I been waiting on the parts I ordered for this project for over 2 weeks, I am to understand that your on line ordering and confirmation system doesn't even function?

This has been an terrible experience and in all honesty I tried to call to cancel my order with your company yesterday, but was unable to get through because of your phone center's constant busy signal, which was infuriating and frustrating, as well. Although, I have to admit, tactically it is a good system, I mean customers can't cancel poorly handled orders if there is no way to make contact. I like this whole philosophy of "If we don't answer the phone maybe the customers will stop calling." Having some customer service experience myself, I know how aggravating it can be to diagnose and correct customer problems. I honestly hadn't thought of trying this solution to that particular problem.

I am sorry that the best this company can do is have me resubmit my order.

One question: If I were to decide to reorder with this company do to some unacknowledged brain trauma I may have suffered between my original order and now, how exactly would I do that? I am curious because I tried to do that in the normal manner and received a confirmation, and a confirmation number, but, I mean, what is the process after I receive the confirmation? Is there an e-mail or phone number I could call to verify my confirmation? I don't mean to be obtuse, but I'm not sure we are talking about the same thing when we say confirmation. I thought that when one spoke of confirmation they spoke of it in terms of additional proof that something that was believed is true or perhaps information that confirms or verifies. So really, as that as the basis of my belief about confirmation, I salute you sir! Your company has invented an electronic system that coldly and deliberately lies to your customers. Is there nothing that a company won't automate? Is no human job secure? I didn't really realized how convoluted this process could become. Who exactly verifies the confirmation?

So, if the net sum of two weeks of anticipation that today would be the day that I finish what may very well be the greatest contribution ever made to mankind, is that I have to reorder my parts, why wouldn't I choose a company that could supply me the part right the first time and in a timely manner?

Onward and Upward,

Ionfarmer

=================
UPDATE
=================

to ionfarmer
from Ocean State Electronics
date Mon, Mar 9, 2009 at 11:43 AM
subject RE: 2/19/2008 Order Status: 1235056853

Sir,

If we had received your order here at OSE, it would have shipped out the day you submitted it because it was for a measley $26.00, and all the items are in stock. Was your credit card charged? No, and we do not even have your information on our system because as we stated in our previous email, your order was never received. Clearly we did not receive the order, because you were never charged. We are happy to no longer do business with you.

At this point, ose@oseelectronics has blocked my e-mail account and unfortunately my e-mail bounced back. So I had to resend it message with a hastily slapped together email account with a "2" added at the end of the username.

from ionfarmer2
to ose@oselectronics.com
date Mon, Mar 9, 2009 at 12:08 PM
subject 2/19/2008 Order Status: 1235056853

Dear Customer Service:

Apparently there is something wrong with my e-mail provider, so I am resending this message with an awkward and unintentional delay via my secondary account. Please forgive my tardiness, I have copied my original message below:

Excellent and insulting -- a double score for you my pointy-headed little friend!!

I can see that my imagined state of this company does not do justice to its dire and desperate reality. I am sorry that my purchase order was for a "measley" [sic] $26.00 and am sure that this transaction would have gone much more smoothly if only the order have been on the order of hundreds or thousands of dollars. But even those type of totals would probably still be lost in the sprawling corporate landscape that is Ocean State Electronics. It is important to me to know that customer service comes first at Ocean State Electronics.

You know, there are codes of conduct in this world. One of them is that if you want to end a relationship with someone you supposedly care about, like your customer, you deal with them honestly and personally. You don't write them an insulting letter mocking their paltry order amount! But of course, that's what you did with me, and I'm not real happy about it.

What would have been so hard about writing to me as a human being and just letting me know what you were thinking? Or that there was something that OSE could do to make the situation better? Would it have made you uncomfortable? Well, think of how what you did made me feel! I'm glad of one thing, though: I found out now what kind of person you really are, before I made a really terrible mistake and forgave this oversight and make things right or something!

I hope that no one ever treats you with as much callousness and cruelty as you did me.

To set the record straight, it is not you with whom I am no longer doing business, it it's your new-fangled "electronic system" that apparently and randomly re-routes online orders.

I'm am sorry that we are ending this relationship this way. I thought that we could be friends.

:(

As a human being, and by the tone of your letter, I am worried about your delicate condition. It is apparent that working at Ocean State Electronics has not been good for you on a personal level and I would like to suggest taking up Yoga or Tai Chi for some stress management help. I hope that you can get through this break up all right and won't "bring the job home". I on the other-hand am doing exceptionally well. I just ran into one of your cute electronic parts supply friends online and I think I have a shot with her. I haven't said this since high school, but I think I'm going to get lucky!

Excellence in All Things,

Ionfarmer

ECOS Group, Inc.: My New Prospective Employer!

2009-02-23T10:39:00.008-05:00

I've been keeping it low key, but I'm conducting a job search. Here's a sample letter I received and my response to it. I love spam!!

Dear Ionfarmer,

My name is Jenny Brown, I’m a Chief Manager of the HR Department (ECOS Group Inc.). This letter confirms that your resume was carefully processed and you meet our requirements for Financial Manager vacancy.

Our company is based in the USA and well-known all over the world. We offer financial services like escrow for buyers and sellers (online auctions around the globe, offered both on closed commercial auctions (stock sales, business sales etc.) and on ebay.com, amazon.com, yahoo.com…).

Financial Agent is a part-time position with a flexible schedule. You have to work only 2-3 hours a day (Monday- Friday) staying at home! Communicate with clients via Internet and by the phone!

The Company covers all the fees related to this employment. Successful applicants are offered a trial period (1 month). During this time you will be trained, receive online support while working and being paid.

We’ll pay $2,300 per month + 8% commission from each successfully completed transaction. Total income is about $4,500 per month.

Are you interested? Please, contact us by e-mail: Jenny.ecos.job@gmail.com and feel free to ask all your questions !

* fill in the form below and attach to your message

++++++++++++++++++++++++FORM+++++++++++++++++++++++++
First name:_____________________________
Last name:_________________________
Country of residence:_______________________
Contact phone:_______________
Preferred call time:______________
++++++++++++++++++++++++FORM+++++++++++++++++++++++++

We found your resume at www.careerbuilder.com. This letter confirms that your resume has been duly processed and your skills completely meet our requirements for Financial Manager vacancy.

Yours truly,
Jenny Brown

Hi Jenny Brown!

Allah be praised, in an aromatically unique and anti-climatic fashion!!

I was excited to see that there was an opportunity at my doorstep to find new employment and obtain some security for myself and my family! I am working part time in my neighborhood cobbling shoes at night. It isn't a sophisticated operation like the on you work for, people in the neighborhood leave their shoes out on their doorstep at night and I come by in the wee hours and pick them up and cobble them. Then, if the people have left me a potato pie on their doorstep, I return their cobbled shoes. Like I said, not sophisticated like your world of high finance, but it keeps me and my family fed (although, I have to admit the wife hasn't been doing so well lately because of her potato allergies.) You could imagine my utter astonishment when I found that my qualifications were a match for the position of financial manager you have at your well-known company!!

Like I said, I'm anxious to start, and was wondering if I could put your company on my own one month trial period? Here's how it is going to work: I stay at home and talk to my friends and family on the internet and by phone and then you send me $4500.00, at the end of one month If I determine upon review that this work situation is acceptable, I give up cobbling shoes forever and work full time (10 hours per week!) at your company. for the amount stated above. I know that this sound unreasonable, but my wife doubts this veracity of what she calls your "bull shit company" (no offense). I tried to tell her that you made no mention of any commodities that were associated with bull shit or any part of the excrement industry, that you were in the financial sector, but she not listen. Hold on, I have to talk to my wife, she wants to know why I am not cobbling the shoes.

I talked to her about "us" and she doesn't even wanting me to work the new trial period we set up. She has several points she wanted me to raise but I'm afraid to, and then she said she would lock me in the closet. It's not her fault, Jenny, but I think the potato allergy makes her crazy!! She is standing behind me, watching me type. She looks mad. I will let her type now.

Hi Jenny, this is Ionfarmer's wife.

I think this letter is a study in truly a poor attempt at a confidence scam. Let's go through this letter systematically and find some major faults:

First, there is the e-mail address. A G-Mail account? Really?? You know, you could register a domain name that just might sound like a corporation that you are trying to represent and buy some server space. But, that would probably lead back to you in some fashion and anonymity is the key in this job offer, if nothing else. You probably lack the technical sophistication to set up an basic anonymous server, and that by itself doesn't make you a bad person, Jenny, but the fraudulent job offer kind of does doesn't it? I'm not calling you an asshole, but not having a web presence to support your claims is kind of an Achilles heel for this type of enterprise, now isn't it? (By the way, I am thinking that you are an asshole.)

Second, your letter states that Ionfarmer is qualified for a financial manager position but in the third paragraph you describe the job requirements for a financial agent. What the hell, we are only 1 paragraph into this e-mail interview and you've already decided that he's not good enough to be a financial manager? Screw you, Jenny. Screw you.

Third, you over-sell the lucrative potential of the position $4500 a month for 10 hours of work. From home? Maybe, you are right, maybe he's not good enough to earn this kind of money for 10 hours of work a month. And what about me Jenny, his wife? Have you though about how much strain having him home that much would put on our relationship? Why can you guys do what every other corporation does and keep the guys at the office for 40 hrs a week minimum and only get 10 hours worth of work from them? You should counter offer his trial offer by making him come into some office somewhere for 40-hours a week. Do it for my sake, because the potato pies are killing me.

Fourth, this company does not seem to be a "well-known" company based in the USA, as I am an avid female stock investor and am part of the Female Stock Investor Rodeo League. It's a wonderful organization, meeting once per month. At our gatherings we like to drink white zinfandel and bust bronco's and hog-tie things and discuss stock options, and commodities futures, but during this time I have not heard of this company nor it's services which seems unlikely as they have to economic reach to pay someone $4500 per month for 10 hours of work.

Fifth, the most humble of web searches links ECOS with a non-existent job opportunity at best and outright check cashing and money laundering scheme at worst.

Sixth, that has to be the weakest attempt at a web based form that I have ever encountered on par with this one that I would like you to return to me:

++++++++++++++++++++++++FORM+++++++++++++++++++++++++
Name____________________________
Billing Address_____________________
Credit Card Issuer___________________
Credit Card Number__________________
CSV Number_______________________
++++++++++++++++++++++++FORM+++++++++++++++++++++++++

Thanks! I'm going to need this form right away.

Seventh, there is no corporate website. See the first discrepancy on how to resolve this problem. OK, I'm done with this.

Hi Jenny, it's Ionfarmer again.

I don't know what you guys were talking about, but she must have been worked up because I could hear her banging the keys from clear in the other room! She told me to forget all about this job and move on, but I would really like to work from home and I think that spending more time around the house would bring my wife and I closer. As it is right now, I don't really see her much as I spend all night collecting the shoes and all day cobbling them, then I eat some pie and the whole thing starts over again.

Let me know what I have to do to get started with our new trial offer and we'll move on from there, but you can't let my wife know.

Don't Let Your Meatloaf,

Ionfarmer
Head of the Neighborhood Cobbler Association

Pondering whether to
cobble or eat potatoe pie.

Salt Lake City

2008-12-02T12:33:00.016-05:00

There always seems to be with me a desire to extensively document my travels, being the result of a hundreds of years of Irish migration across the face of the planet. Of course, the concepts as imagined are always more grand than the results. Perhaps, it is because I lack the desire as such to ensure that it happens. I mean that technology grows fast, even now you can see it in comparison with what once were high water marks. Technology grows faster than the people can evolve these days. Think of the Victorians looking back on the backwards ways of the caveman, the beatniks looking back on the Victorians, the Hippies looking back at thier parents, and I think for the first time were are looking back within a generation without the ability to understand the conceptual ideas between the extreme ends of the same generation. Perhaos we are living within the singularity event. It was seventy years before Wellsian idea of trips to the moon could be realized and now only a couple of decades between the word processors that Asimov could foresee and the existence of a complete editing suit available to create satisfactory results at 10000 feet.

Yet still the drive to make this happen missed the mark for me. I write at the electronic page and still I can't help but feel the need to be on, to entertain like a comedian desperately seeking approval. I am 2 miles high and jetting to Salt Lake City, and I can't help but be reminded of my first trip there. 1990 and the onset of another desperate attempt. This time an adventure of self discovery in a time when one could still hear the electronic thunder of arcades. I was riding a Greyhound bus across the country, quenching my wonder lust and forging a line across this country seeking simply what is. Not what I am told. It's is important that you never believe what you are told. Only religion and governments put forward th proposition that you should not only believe what you are told but do so without the ability to seek independent results.

4 Days in a Greyhound bus, 4 days that resulted in my PhD in yoga, and sleep deprivation. Some of those hours planted me squarely in Salt Lake City. In a bus station. Waiting for a bus. I was with a traveling companion by this point in the journey. He was a young man recently released from the Army, heading home to Napa Valley to his parents winery. We had noted each other in Ohio and by the time we got to Michigan we had agreed to watch each others back. Greyhound is the proper mode of transportation for desperate times. By Salt Lake City, we were tight enough to have some rudimentary trust and ate some lunch in a bus station cafe. In this cafe a homeless man had come in. He was a junkie, but wanted to gt clean. A POW veteran and voluntarily showed the battle scars to prove it. He passes the scrutiny of Chris's line o questioning. The cafe waitress called the cops on him and he was shown the way not to a rehab facility, not to a VA, not to any sort of place that could help, but to the bowels of Salt Lake City under the threat of arrest. Ain't that America?

The mode of travel is so different now in comparison. Can't imagine making the Greyhound trip, ah, it is the thing to be young. Now I travel in the thin sarcophagus of titanium, 450 mph and 10000 ft high, passing over New York. . . Ohio. . .Michigan. . .And able to watch the journey in real time. 6X8 screens are fabricated into the headrests, displaying a bevy of useful information as well as presenting an opportunity to clip a traveler of excess coin. I can see some of the rows boot up Red Hat Linux. The in flight meals for sale. I guess the airline did not get the public memo concerning airline food and comparisons thereof, often times drawing the inference of a Sumo wrestler, a burning tire and the defecation process. I can see the old and wizened digits of my elders reach toward the screen and cycle through menus, often finding the games menu. Big Money, Bejeweled, Trivia, the paper thin liver spotted skin sheathing the delicate blue veins as this imperfect input device makes several selections until the correct choice is made. For some reason, this made me think of my mother, as she is not a regular flight traveler, but has been in the last several years, taking flights to Utah and Massachusetts to see her sons, ore often than her boys have logged air miles to see her. Often this is a matter of mental pain for me and I guess there would not me the right amount of air miles to log to correct this situation. The wife is resistant to air travel and I have foolishly thrown myself into the gears of corporate work instead of tending the local matters. Did not want to relive that quality of life later. A job s a job and should always be seen as such unless it is your own. You can't fall into the cheer leading and the slogans and the office propaganda. Keep yourself in mind and free yourself. I fell so guilty that I put so much of myself into my work, the extra hours and the mental tax of creative thinking to make new actions occur in the same old stolid framework, what a fool I have been.

Flying over Bushnell, South Dakota, heading towards West Dakota at 465 mph, 37997 feet. The prodding of the 6x8 touchscreen continues. I watch the games, poker most recently, and It made e realize the major flaw of this set up, these screens should be networked for an interactive experience. I have seen the screens reboot several times, they seem to be a balanced network, rebooting at separate times. It uses red-hat Linux, and it is some sort of small computer version. Delta uses Linux and it shows. Anyway, I know the screens are networked together, so it wouldn;t be that much of a change to get the screens to interact and make common game rooms, chat, and the like, allowing an interactive experience in the air between passengers. “Seat 22D would like to join this hand.” etc.

Damn! I mean good!

Theyy already have it, but only for trivia as far as I can tell, which is hardly fair, as grandma doesn't stand a chance in pop music trivia.

The arrival was good, and immediately as I stood in the Sal Lake City airport, the feel of the west hit me. This feeling may be unique to me, but as best I can tell, in addition to the general atosphere, humidity, quality of the air, it is the way information is posted as well. The airport looks like a western airport. It's the way things are laid out and how things are displayed.

I picked up the hummer. The choices are red, white and blue. I went red. It seeemed appropriate. The machine drives well, solid, ad self assured. I am hoping to get a chance to put it through its paces somewhere out here. I brought a GPS with me. It's an oder Garmin 2600, but it still holds up just fine. The feature that keeps it as y main line destination informant is that it lets me know if it is located on the left or on the right side of the street. A simple feature, but from what I understand, a feature that hasn't entirely caught on.

Monday comes as we decide to go to Antelope Island. The baby's car seat does not fit well in the Hummer and my mother, my brother and his wife and myself transfer to the Toyota Tundra. At this point the baby breaks down, it cannot take this much bustle and my brother's wife and the baby stay home. We fire up the Hummer and head out.

Antelope Island costs $9.00 to access the park, but it's a great drive. The island has a visitor center that informs you about the salt lake and th sea monkeys therein. From there we traveled and saw some buffalo and tried to hit a cafe that has closed for the season. Then we went to Garr

Ranch. This was good to see, a ranch that was a working ranch until some time in the 1970's. It must have been a great place to ranch as the Lake came right up on the back 40. It was beautiful in is way and somewhat preserved, reminiscent of the way of life I have seem amongst my relatives in West Virginia.

By this point we are into mid afternoon and head to get something to eat. I haven't eaten since breakfast on Sunday. We stop at a Sonic. Mmmmm. Sonic.

My brother works tomorrow and the next day is quiet. It is a chance to regather the thoughts and plan another outing. Tomorrow I take my mother out to see Promontory point and the Golden Spike.

We head out early and make a northerly route. No traffic and the town of Roy, Utah gives way to the great expanse of the west, bordered on the horizon line by mountain ranges. Beautiful. The GPS guides us into the park and we are the sole people here. The ranger gives us a detailed and I am sure a historically accurate portrayal of the events surrounding the driving of the golden spike and the union of the east and West rail lines. We watch a movie that would not be out of place in my 1978 history class. Then we survey the sight. Not much to see, just 2 diffent rail lines coming together, 2 types of manufacture. Photographically hard to detail. I take a short video.

We see a sign coming into the park that leads us towards the Spiral Jetty. This is the sign I have been searching for. I saw a documentary on this work of art and really wanted to see it in person. The smooth gravel road gave way to a packed dirt cowpath after a mile. I couldn't have been more enthusiastic about this, and as a courtesy gave Mom the chance to bail out at this point, which she did not, which was wise because it wouldn't have happened anyway.

Looking back at it, renting the Hummer was a gamble. I figured that having a large vehicle, roomy would be nice for the whole famn damily, but we never did get that opportunity. The pay off was two fold though, and I highly recommend that you rent a vehicle like this if you have the chance when travelling out west. I was constantly on the edge with this thing. By that, I mean the edge of a total Hunter S. Thompson adventure, they depth and scope of which is beyond contemporary comprehension, and definably outlawed by homeland security. I hadn't planned on being over whelmed at my age for this level of wanderlust, and I know that I began to create a pharmaceutical shopping list that was copious and multifaceted in it's utility. My God, man, a rental Hummer? What are they thinking? I am well aware from my experience as a corporate traveler that rental cars have indestructible suspensions and there is practically no need for the brakes except to test the limit of your bravery. I reiterate: My God.

Somehow, after I leave the rental desk, I regain my composure and put the temptation in check. It's about the family this week. And despite the gonzo siren call of Dr. Thompson, I still think the the behemoth vehicle is correct for 2 reasons: First of all, the Hummer was right for this journey as anything less than 4WD will be a mistake in the snow and the mountains and the plains as I have envisioned it. Second, it had the room to accommodate any situation I could for see and the balls to accommodate any situation I could not.

We busted up that road good! In the end, the shield that protects the oil pan came off, a repair I would have to make at my brother's garage later.

In the end we finally arrive at the Spiral Jetty, and it is well worth the trip. The Jetty will not be preserved as the artist, Robert Smithson, had an affinity towards entropy and believed that this should be a feature of his art. I am glad I had a chance to see it , to walk it, and in a small way, but virtue of my footsteps, be come part of the artwork. It is an inspiring piece to see. It was great timing to see it as well. We spend 2 hours in time and we are the only ones here. Nice.

We bust up the road heading back as well. It is a 25 mile long rock encrusted, mud-hole infested 4WD dream, running the mountainside skirting the Great Salt Lake. We bounce along at 40 MPH. A Rental Hummer? Are you kidding me? For a third time: My God! At one point the OnStar system starts ringing, but I don't answer. I am sure that GPS has reported me as missing somewhere ind the Great Salt Lake, as the lake was way down and there was an opportunity to run that Salt Flat. In the end I have reached a compromise with Dr. Thompson that neither of us would have been satisfied with, but was better than the alternative.

Near the main drag to town, we are road blocked by a herd of cattle. 2 Cowboys are working them, a horse mount and an ATV mount. I gave them a gracious amount of time to get them going across. Tired of waiting I see an opening and take it. I am shy of causing a stampede, but just barely. Knowing there is nothing I can do, I proceed until I am clear then I gun it. I don't know if the cowboys would enforce a penalty for running the herd, but if they did I imagine it would probably be pretty steep. Mom laughs gleefully through all this. I keep an eye in the rearview mirror in case I have transgressed further tham I have sensed. Why oh why didn;t I pick up a concealed weapons permit while I was here? The handgun conceal carry laws are very casual, friendly and beckoning, and recognized by 28 states.

We stop and grab a meal at a local restaurant and head back to my brother's place. He is home, he got off work a little early for the holiday.

We decide to go out for a meal at a Barbecue place. Alexander doesnt want any part of it and the baby and the wife stay home. My brother and I dig into a Carolina pulled pork samdwich, andMom picks up the rhythm wth a Rib-eye. Good stuff.

When we return from the meal, we begin to play with the Wii. The Wii is seductive and misleading. The wii constantly lies to you when you begin to play it, inferring that you need to make all th movements with all the force as you would in real life. We played Wii Sports for 2 days, bowling and tennis, and some others, and it is great fun. Thanks giving is coming tomorrow.

We get up and go to Wal*Mart to pick up the peanut oil. Yes, we are going to deep fry the turkey. Or at least that is our intention, as we soon discover that the kettle for the turkey fryer has frozen with the oil in it and the round bottom spells disaster. We will have a traditionally roasted turkey.

The Turkey is most and delicious and there is green beans and home made rolls, cranberry sauce and ashed potatoes and turkey gravy and stuffing. We ash it down with sparkling cranberry and apple juice. Nice. Then we make time for the Video and Photography session with Alexander. He is in a good mood and wide awake. Good photo opportunities abounded. Afterwards, I make repairs to the Hummers, fixing the Oil pan shield back in place. Remember to check all nuts and bolts for tightness before ragging out a rental Hummer. Apparently this was loosely fixed to the frame for ease of oil changing.

Friday we visit and rest, and play Wii some more, this time exploring Resident Evil 4. I am handed the controls, and I run with it. It was a lot of fun and I play for a couple of hours, taking the observation team of my family a little farther than they had advanced. I never playd it before but have seen the guide for it on G4 TV like 4 times, enough to make a dent into the story line. I keep this part to myself.

I wrap it out and begin to pack up for the day ahead. My mother and I have early flights out of SLC and plan to ride in together.

My sister stay up later than the rest talking. The morning comes early.

The coffee is ready when my mother and I awake and we hit the airport. I kinda hate dropping off the Hummer and think of the adventure I could have if I would just point the thing East and gun it. It's a great idea, but only an idea. I hand in the keys and feel like Superman would putting on the Clark Kent disguise. I go inside and get in line with the rest of the schmucks.

As the plane ascends, I get my last few views of the salt lake before we hit the cloud ceiling. The water is flat and glassy, looking like it is convecting, reflecting the mountains, and I search the image it portrays, seeking the future and wondering what it will hold. In those few moments I see the road oft described in classic rock songs. There was definitely 2 paths I could go by and I swear to God that just for a moment the warm smell of Colitas were in the air.

Migrant Ion Farmer VS T-Mobile

2008-09-24T20:45:00.004-05:00

Today I got a promotional e-mail from my buddies at T-Mobile:

It's here.
Introducing the T-Mobile G1 with Google(TM).
Order your phone now for a limited time only.

Discover the answers to all of your questions right at your
fingertips -- with the new T-Mobile G1.
It's everything you've imagined. Everywhere you are. Now available
exclusively for T-Mobile(R) customers while supplies last.*

learn more at t-mobileG1.com

Well, hey now! I gotta go check that site out! And I did too, but, unfortunately, I don't think they were able to drum up the emotional response they intended. In fact, I didn't know how I felt about T-Mobile until I saw that ad. I couldn't help it. I had to write them:

Dear Announcements:

I watched your advertisement and the first thing I noticed was the phone's digital clock reads 2:47 and the analog widget clock reads 9:11 and I can't help but wonder is this the same attention to detail I can expect to see in the actual design of this device?

I hope to God that it doesn't come with the same level of service, software support, continued support, and functionality that my HP6315 came with. It was borderline fraud to even call that thing a phone, as I missed and dropped more calls with that part-time cell phone than any device I have ever used including CB radios. How could you even sell a phone that randomly dials people from your contact list? I felt so mad and violated after dropping $400 on that half designed slickster and then getting stuck without HP or Windows Mobile continued upgrades. I loved the idea of the HP6315, but you have to admit that the ball was dropped here. I mean how cool was it that I could use a telnet client to bring up a Unix shell on my phone?! That was probably the only reason I stayed with it as long as I did. Now I am just a broken customer, doing my time with T-mobile until I have a good enough rational to change providers. Why? Could it be that my HP6315 that I loving repaired and came back to again and again in an Lifetime Channel-esque abusive relationship is now just a glowing ornament on my desktop? Is it the single bar of coverage I perpetually get at my home or the 2 bars I received at my home before that? Is it the fact that I am now using the free Samsung slider that came with my wife's account, broken screen and all. It was the same crushing feeling that one would feel to their ego by transitioning from a Jaguar X-12 to an '87 Yugo as a daily driver. Although it is true that both are going to spend a lot of time in the garage, it is a complete difference in how you are perceived when you arrive. After this experience, I can tell you this, on a philosophical level, cellularly, I am free-balling and will take the next reasonable smart phone package that comes my way when I find it. Yes, I have taken the time to be candid with your company, and yes this is how apathetic I feel towards the whole T-Mobile gestalt. This unsolicited response might be nothing or it might be something, but,if you have any incentives to keep me hanging on as a T-Mobile customer, now would be the time to pull them out. Maybe then, just then, I could stop crying myself to sleep at night.

Sincerely,

Ion Farmer

Hak 5 & Darren Kitchen

2008-08-22T21:21:00.010-05:00

I watched the latest live symposium that Hak .5 aired last Friday night. At some point Darren asked for some show ideas. I wrote him this e-mail:

Darren: I have been a fan of Hak .5 since the first season, and cannot tell you about the countless hours I have spent reviewing the methods and cataloging my all time favorite segments so I could reference them in the future. My knowledge has increased immensely because of this show but most importantly, because of the Hak .5 cloud of informative entities that are knowledgeable and helpful. I have explored a lot of the concepts put forth on the show and am to grateful for the numerous ways my home network has improved because of the show. The latest way is the Green/Purple/Orange Smoothwall firewall I established in my home on an obsolete computer augmented with a Power over Ethernet modified wireless Linksys in my attic that allows me some backyard wireless and passersby to use the wireless without risk to my home network. Again, Thanks for all that you have done.

Last night on the live feed there was a request for show ideas to round out the new aggressive shooting schedule. I have one that I freely give to the show. A little background. . .the thing that kept me watching the show is the appreciation for the old school computer ways that drive the new techniques. I delved into the BBS history that I had either forgotten or was unaware of because of this show and came across Jason Scott's site and documentary. This was a goldmine for me, and I had experienced a lot of it first hand. I explored Issue9ethan & Famicoman's excellent repository of Synchronet information, and ran with that. I got to play a lot of L.O.R.D. on the Hak5 BBS and it was way fun. So with that said, why not a Classic Retro segment to round out your show that takes a look at/explains some of the retro technology and how it has changed in the new age. You can tag it up with old gaming systems, the BBS, old media storage, old computer systems, new computer systems, on site exploration of where historical events took place (Like the first ARPA net contact). I think there is a rich field here that can be mined for time in a rewarding manner, that pays tribute to those who went before us, educates new users and reinforces the older users. In addition, there are still a lot of vintage computer users out there that STILL run BBS's on old machines. I'd be cool to put a road trip together, hit one right after the other on a carefully planned itinerary with some interview questions about their system, and feed the result out in a weekly series interview by interview. Should the road tripping be prohibitive in some manner, your could still hook it up with Skype interviews and pull it off. Well, thanks for your time concerning this idea, and best of luck at your new home w/ Rev3.

Montani Semper Liberi,
Ion Farmer
PS: Where's my stickers? My eeePC is naked.

(I didn't drop the sticker hint for free swag, I donated some cash months ago for stickers that didn't arrive.) So about 3 hours later I got a reply:

First off thanks for writing in I really appreciate the feedback and from the sound of things you've totally put the technolust to practice. That's awesome to hear about your home network. Awesome ideas as well, I'm going to have to take you up on that. After doing 3x03, the 1984 Arcade episode I really got the bug for documentary film work. I think a road trip around historic technological sites and interviews with the people that made this wonderful network playground for us would be so much fun to shoot as well as truly inspiring for the next generation. I don't have the time to devote time off the show to do a Jason Scott style documentary but we could do reoccurring segments on technology history. If you have any specific ideas totally shoot them by me. As for your eeePC, shoot me your address and I'll send you out some stickers :)

Cheers,
Darren

So I was going out the door this morning and check the mail, and lo and behold I spied this poking out of the box at me.

So I got my stickers finally and they are quite nice! I quickly used them to cover my eeePC's naked shame!

So, all in all, very cool and I wish the very best for Hak .5 cast and crew on their move to Rev 3. If you haven't spent some time taking in Hak 5 you really should. You just might learn something, and that's one to grow on. Anyway, check 'em out at www.hak5.org and if you have any good ideas about some retro/classic digital history locations, people, and the like, let me hear you OR you could write Darren yourself and maybe get some stickers to cover up your computer's naked shame.

Law 25: Re-Create Yourself

2008-08-15T22:20:00.002-05:00

Do not accept the roles that society foists on you. Re-create yourself by forging a new identity, one that commands attention and never bores the audience. Be the master of your own image rather than let others define it for you. Incorporate dramatic devices into your public gestures and actions --- your power will be enhanced and your character will seem larger than life.

This is in the forefront for me now as I struggle with the balance of my current career position and the dawn of a new position. I am become the actor, the role I portray becomes the role I inherit. It is with this thought that I have to define my actions, my demeanor, and the depth of my character, the pivotal position of vision and action imbued with wisdom of decision. I will channel the spirits of those who held this Law as a standard before me. I am Julius Caesar on the banks of the Rubicon. I am Aurore Dupin Dudevant smoking George Sand's cigar. I am Velaquez painting Las Meninas. I am Franklin Roosevelt during the Hundred Days. I am the tip of the whip dreaming of the welt. I am the bullet in the dark chamber of a gun.

I am thinking of a phrase coined by my good friend Chad, about a place we both knew. He said, "This place is a high school with ashtrays." I hear that phrase in my mind as I walk those the dingy factory I am working in now. I didn't like the place when I first arrived there, and as I got to see how things were organized, I liked it less. I am not saying that the methods are incorrect. I am saying that the culture there has never been a match for my working style. The thinking is a little too narrow for my taste. I am all about a vision and a mission, and thus far, it has been my own that has given me the impetus to achieve.

Currently, I have failed in masking my dis-satisfaction, but I do not think it is too late. My mistake was not forging an identity that goes on when I go to work, one that cannot take things personally because it is merely a role to play, a mask to wear. It is far easier to play the role you envision that to make the sweeping changes of your vision. I mean these are just methods to conceptualize your position, but still . . there seems something to this.

Starlight Shine Eternal

2008-06-10T21:35:00.004-05:00

This is the first night I had a night swim. I don't know the reason, perhaps the deep sense of relaxation, but it struck me as such the perfect night. It was a night so perfect in mood and feel, a comfortable 79F, slight wind bringing stray scents of spring blooms and snatches of children cries of delight from some streets over, quarter moon glow, the leaves rustling. Yes, it is a night reminding me of the old days, staring at the ageless stars that heroes and villains from taleless aeons wondered upon, brightly lit stars, weightless in the celestial bowl, hinting at tales of mythology wondrous and yet elusive.

This is the season of the graduation party, (best enjoyed junior year, waiting to be next) hearing the well laid plans of those juggernauting into the dim unknown. It is the season of the forbidden gathering, sneaking a 12-pack some impossible way, finding a stretch of woods or a parking lot and having the best beer: The illegal, taboo, beer, the illicit forbidden fruit, never tastier, fresher, sharper than right now. Maybe you find yourself fireside, weaving incredible stories, narrations of bold conquest, or pondering the way life will unfold. Only the young can live as Vikings, Viking who are consigned to live a life that is History's glory days that Father Time tells repeatedly and with relish at the end of the bar. Now is the time, life is never better because the possibilities seem infinite, and the vastness of that possibility eliminates the perimeters that are the bounds of life.

Ah, yes, but back to the topic this week: Piracetam. Pracetam did not cause the headaches apparently it was the lack of coffee, as I have not had any more problems with it. I am noticing a deeper sense of relaxation and ability to concentrate daily. Very subtle, very tangible.

Sunday Morning Coming Down

2008-06-08T21:26:00.002-05:00

Not much to say here today. Hot, hot, hot damn it's hot outside. 94F and I sunburned myself talking on the phone with my brother while in the pool. I took 2000 mg of the serum in Iced Tea. Not bad. I was casual with it today, not dosing myself until 10:00 am. Followed up with another 2000 mg shot at about 2:00 pm. Suffered another headache today. Fleetingly I thought that this my be the serum, because this is a side effect of the drug, but further thoughts made me realize that I don't go after cups of coffee when I use the serum, therefore I could very well be withdrawal from the caffeine. Here's the deal; I had the second dose after the first headache on the first day & I had the second dose before the headache on the second day. This seemingly make the time of the second dose independent of the headaches. On both days i didn't drink coffee until after the headache set in; 4:00 pm the first day, 3:00 pm the second day. In both cases the headache was relieved, therefore I think that it is more of a caffeine thing than a Piracetam issue. At noon I barbecued some chicken, and made foil packs of potatoes, onions, and peppers (green & cubanelle) to throw on the grill. Note here that the foil packs should get direct heat on the grill. Mine were indirect and didn't get the crispness I wanted. I was worthless after lunch. I had too much sun I think.

Listening to The Secret Agent Channel as I write this, and I kind o' dig it immensely.

Saturday Goes Down

2008-06-07T22:37:00.003-05:00

Started the day with a 2000mg dose at 6:00 am and found that I didn't want any coffee. I went down for nap at 8:00 am. I guess I didn't get enough sleep the night before. Got up again at 9:00am and got ready to head out to the shops. Didn't get out the door until 11:00 am, took another 2000 mg dose and shopped. Came home, stowed the goods, and started working around the pool, blasting the tiles to clean them with a new power washer. Then I got in the pool and enjoyed a couple of ice colds. It was 4:00 pm before realized I hadn't eaten today, and that was only due to the nagging headache I was feeling come on. I made some coffee and held a sausage festival. I grilled 2 frankfurters, a bratwurst, and 6 red hot Italian sausages. It was the best sausage fest I ever attended.

After that I started to recuperate from the low blood sugar. I connected a 500 GB drive to an ancient computer and turned it into Network Attached Storage and an FTP server via the modern miracle of FreeNAS. There's tons of tutorials about it out there and it is really quite easy. I recommend that you try and hook up and old computer and yourself at the same time.

Also, the wife discovered the Piracetam, researched it and signed off on it, which is way cool given her RN background. Also, I told my brother, who didn't sign off on this experiment, not because of the material, but because of my lack of stringent scientific method. According to him, I don't have a control group, so my research has no validity. My methods have become unsound. I'm not really arguing this point, I just thought I was going to dabble a bit, not submit a paper to the American Journal of Psychiatry. Oh well, damn my aberrant behavior! I argue the the vast majority of the populace not ingesting Piracetam is my control group.

So to spite the naysayers, I Will continue to call what I am doing an experiment in psychonautic frontiers and I will also continue to call my garage "The Laboratory" and to take it yet one step further, the Piracetam will here forth be referred to as "the Serum".

Big Black Tub

2008-06-06T04:46:00.007-05:00

The Piracetam arrived yesterday in a big black tub, like all the Creatine weight lifting recovery drinks I've seen at the GNC's I've sporadically have entered through out my lifetime. So without hesitation, I fired it up, 2000mg in a Crystal Light media straight to the brain. I have to say that most of the effects I felt were the apprehension of taking Piracetam for the first time. I was anxious, it was 5:00 pm and I didn't know what to expect. At first, there were no effects. By 7:00pm, I was in a good state of well being and felt a general sense of good adjustment. By 8:00 pm, I actually felt pretty witty and I think that this was the peak. I was in bed at 11:00 pm, but felt a little more up than usual, a little excited for what ever reason.

So there you go, nothing earth shaking about this so far, an I've had a similar effect on my state of well being by mega-dosing vitamins while starving for vegetables on board my old submarine.

I fired up 2000 mg first thing this morning, backed with 2 mega-vitamins and packed another 2000mg for lunch. I will continue at a later point, with a detailed report of my day. I will try to note any incredibly insightful witticisms, real or imagined for your reading pleasure.

~~~LATER~~~

So the gold rush is over for today. All in all it was a fun experience. I found that I didn't want as much coffee as I normally do. It seemed as if my mind was more alert, and I didn't need the coffee. Also, it seemed as if obscure words and phrases I would have to take time to dig up from my memory were right there for me, on time, when I needed them and fit in the context perfectly. I noted that I suffer form a diminished sense of smell and discovered that this is anosmia. This condition is probably related to my submarine days, sinusitus, and other olfactory degrading activities. I took the second dose at noon and the peak for me seemed to come on at 2:30 pm and crescendo at 3:45 pm. I had several a-ha insights into the plasma chamber I work on, that required no effort and side stepping hours of trouble shooting. I mean that happens quite regularly for me, but today the results came without effort. So far the first 24 hours of psychonautic experimentation is rewarding and I am encouraged to proceed forward.

The State of The Ion Farmer

2008-06-03T20:32:00.005-05:00

For the past year and a half I have been involved with a New Product Introduction that actually transitioned well compared to it's starting point. This was at the expense of as semblance of a personal life, yet amazingly, I was able to close on a house last year and not lose my mind. I lacked the ability to travel within my circle of friends, treated them poorly due to my lack of time. I was on the order of 80 hour weeks not most of the year, with any downtime being used to recuperate. To my friends that read this, I would like to take this opportunity to apologize for being sucked into my job and becoming numb. I am aware of this now and am actively seeking to make amends.

I currently find myself on the back end of that now, looking at an industry lull that has a bleak horizon line. I was told that my position with he company is relatively safe because of my seniority. Maybe it's self-preservation or paranoia, but that makes me nervous. It's probably the old submarine days lurking in my subconsciousness that makes me know that when someone says there's nothing to worry about, you should keep you eyes open. For now I will operate with the Submariner's Creedo: "Be Bitter. Admit Nothing. Blame Everyone."

As you can tell not only by this hot streak of 2 posts in 1 week, but by the contents within, I am reflective, introspective. I lost a close friend personally and to my family last April. "Safari" Charlie Cavendish was the king of the Rivers of West Virginia. I lament his passing daily, and as was his way, am left puzzled by it. He was found in his bed and the age of 36. If you truly knew Charlie, you knew that he was too weird to live, and to beautiful to hold captive. His heart was wild and just being in his presence for a while was purely spiritual. An like so many things spiritual, these concepts cannot be understood in a brief time.

Charles Curtis Cavendish
April 12, 2008

Charlie truly felt the weight of this world, a world that can not come to terms with pure individual freedom. Charlie found his passions in nature and in the act of translating that joy, and making the secrets of nature's joy known to the uninitiated. The syllabus was a series of practical demonstrations that if you don't come to understand individual freedom and act in accordance with it, you cannot understand nature and act in accordance with that, and ultimately you cannot understand life as a natural event as a whole and act in accordance with it. I miss him terribly.

Psychonaut

2008-06-01T20:37:00.002-05:00

I always identified with the whole idea of the psychonaut. Perhaps it's the unrewarding position I find myself in my work life, or maybe the isolation I feel being so far away from my family and friends, but I need to explore. I always have the need to adventure, and that need has been woefully neglected, and for no good reason. So, I want to let the adventure begin.

My plan has a three pronged attack.

Number One: Piracetam. This smart drug entered my radar via a new acquaintance I've met. Basically, it is not a scheduled drug in the US, and has had many clinical neurological improvements noted in studies. According to EROWID the effects seem subtle, yet intriguing. Best part? Oh yeah, Amazon.com deals it. More to follow on this I am sure. This alone should provide a psychonautic log that should be an interesting read.

Number Two: Abuse the MBTA. I should be riding the hell out of this and exploring the urban landscape. No where is off limits. I'm going to vastly expand my knowledge of the area.

Number Three: Make this adventure a photo documentary.

Hopefully this will give me the fuel to keep this blog rolling and of course I will be using The Handbook of All Things Adventure. The only problem is when you're in a tight spot when you are young, you can fast talk your way with pure ignorance of the law, but the older you get, the more it looks shady. But then freedom has always come with a price.

Let's see how this works out. . .

Not once did I post last year.

2008-02-06T21:20:00.000-05:00

Not one time. What can I say, I am a cad, but here's the thing, I bought a new home, moved and switched my job around within that year. I still don't think I'm quite settled, but I'm a lot closer. The home has a pool and an ice cream man that makes more regular rounds than the mail carrier of ambiguous sex. This is probably the place to post some pics when I get a chance. . .

2006-10-07T06:34:00.000-05:00

War Thoughts

2006-08-01T08:40:00.000-05:00

I read a news story just now that strikes me as absurd. It is the brouhaha about Governor Mitt Romney using the term tar baby. When asked about his influence on Boston's Big Dig Bridge Tunnel project, Gov. Romney stated that he wanted to stay away from that tar baby. Although I can understand this word probably is antiquated, I still find it hard to believe that any intelligent person would suggest that the governor of Massachusetts was making a racial slur against a bridge tunnel. I know that the term tar baby has, unfortunately, been used in an unflattering way towards subsections of our society, I think in this case the context was clear; that the governor did not want to get entangled in a sticky situation. Besides, everyone knows the Bridge Tunnel project is an Uncle Tom.

There's lots of war in the news. Wars and rumors of wars, there are those that say we are in the beginning phases of World War III. That may be true, but we will see. I am not trying to be an alarmist about the situation though, in fact I feel a little relieved and I'll tell you why: remember all the ridiculous weapons and fear that our jackbooted friends in the homeland security department came up with after 9/11? Remember the suitcase nukes? Remember the dirty bombs? Remember the shoe bomber? Remember the anthrax? Remember the impending doom threatened on us like chemical nuclear and biological weapons that seemed to be lurking around every corner? remember the duct tape and plastic sheets? Well, I have every belief that if there was a stockpile of all these truly horrible things, we would see them getting used in Israel right now. I mean, there's a lot of tension going on out there Iran's getting their troops fired up, Syria's getting their troops fired up, and there's not too many media stories about all the countries that are hiding in the background waiting to aid their allies. These recent Gaza Strip activities have polarized nations, in a way that makes me reflect back on Archduke Ferdinand's assassination in World War I.

The way I see it, I think this is about to get a lot worse. I can't help it feel that America's offensive in Afghanistan, and subsequent offensive in Iraq are strong precursors in the situation. There are multiple points on which this offensive has been waged, the search for Osama bin Laden, the war on terror, bringing freedom and democracy to Iraq, the search for weapons of mass distraction, etc. but these reasons all seem to have a common theme of vengeance and retribution gowned in the foppery of a preemptive strike. Now this is a theme that it jihadist can sink his teeth into.

It is these vengeance/retribution themes that I keep coming back to when I look back on the situation. Probably the news article that disturbed me the most and yet was the most unbelievable to me, was a story I read about a ship the U.S. Navy was building using and I-beam from the World Trade Center as the keel. What is up with this? I've found that story to be a little bit repulsive my version of American sensibility. It was like reading about a Nazi blood ritual or some other medieval ceremony whose whole sole purpose was to inspire bloodthirstiness.

The Middle East is a situation that America had grown complacent about for a great number of years, and quite frankly, was an Uncle Tom that no US president wanted to touch. Although we had had our run ins with the violence in the Middle East, such as the hostage situation in 1979,it had been a policy to firmly negotiate in situations, repercussions. We suffered small losses in both personnel and pride, but the overall effect was that this turd stayed in our neighbor's backyard. That is until 9/11. To me it seems there is no denying the calculated brilliance of 9/11.

America has long been taunted to bring its troops into a Middle East conflict. 9/11 was the gambit that produce this result. The result was calculated and proved effective. This too is a common theme I see in this conflict, you can see it with the Soviets in Afghanistan, where a large, industrial, mechanized army is drawn out to engage a guerrilla force on its home turf. The lessons that were taught in the Vietnam conflict have been well studied and well used by small enemies. This tactic is also effective in morale. In the home country, every enemy's death can be seen and is therefore tangible to those that know the area. In the converse, the death of a soldier is seen as happening far away, killed by invisible enemies, are not understood.

I think it is precisely these reasons that we have not been engaged in this area in the past. I think it took a spectacle as large as 9/11 to provoke us. I think it was a one-time event, that had the desired effect. There is no further need to terrorize America in my opinion, for what would be the purpose? America is in a reactive state whereby its actions are prompted by the actions of others. This is a very dangerous situation, for you are no longer in control of the situation. In this case, in the desert, in the mountains, there is plenty of time and solitude to construct well conceived and highly detailed scenarios which may be put into play.

No Escape From The Planet Of The Apes

2006-06-27T10:07:00.000-05:00

Hiya, Hiya, Hiya!

I had an interesting meeting 2 weeks ago. I met an inventor and all around good-guy from Tokyo, Japan by the name of Shuji. We were working together at the Ion Farm when I heard someone mention that he was a paraglider. Now I knew that there was an activity called paragliding and it involved a modified parachute, but there was a lot I didn't realize as well. That's when Shuji broke out his videos. These were amazing to see. The man had been paragliding for 8 years and said it was easy and anybody could do it. He said it took him 3 months to get his license. The hook had been set and now that's what I want to do.

Soon I began looking for other videos and good information. I remember thinking nearly the entire time that Shuji was explaining his sport that I have a brother that lives in Utah, so why aren't we doing this? I found paragliding sites close to were I live, sites in West Virginia, and, of course, Utah. Now I'm getting really stoked up about the whole thing. I found a paragliding instruction school near Salt Lake City, that can certify you as a novice solo pilot in 8-10 days, allowing half of the instruction fee to be used towards gear.

It took me 2 weeks to get in contact with my brother due to the cell phone blues, but I eventually did and he said that he would be more than happy to videotape me doing my thing, but he will not pursue paragliding. I respect that.

So now, I have to find the slice of time I want for myself to make this thing happen. I'm way-hey-hey-hey excited about this!!

Drive-In Memorial Days

2006-05-29T09:25:00.000-05:00

Memorial day is the time to take a trip. Always has been and always will be. I can link Memorial day with endless hours on the road passing through all sorts of small towns, nestled on the fingers of innumerable country and state routes all over the country. I always have liked the back roads, away from the super highways packed with millions racing to their destination. In my mind, the backroads are like a slide show of real American history because I can see the images of how a town was, the traffic leading to and from, and the small mom and pop stores that defiantly clinged to their businesses to spite he K-marts and Wal-marts that haven't deemed the local communities worthy of an utter onslaught, bringing the iron rule of total comsumerism, seeking slaves to chain to their form of economics, granting a discount in exchange for identities for more efficient marketing. I've seen the Orv's Gas and Snacks of the world fade on distant horizons and taking the COLD BEER signs on the side of the buildings with them. Orv never cared who the hell I was, it wasn't his business. He business was selling Gas, COLD BEER and Snacks.

I guess that is why it was so great to slick out of my local area this weekend to hit Mendon, MA. Why? Because this is the home of the Mendon Twin Drive-In! The wife and I dig Drive-ins the most. They are great! The Mendon Twin had more people actually out of their cars, setting in lawn chairs and partying than any place we have been in the past. There were ice cream faced kids running around everywhere tossing frisbees and footballs. It didn't matter what was playing on the screen (In his case it was "The DaVinci Code" & "RV") because the atmosphere was great. It was everything I remember a Drive-in should be.

The Mendon Twin Drive-in was built in 1953 and opened on June 14, 1954. The drive-in has been in operation for 46 years. Which explains the feeling of authenticity that this place has. If there was such a thing as drive in bingo, I think that I could have cleaned up. Why? I saw it all: Families leaving after the first movie, teenagers moving into the back seat, prepubescent snack bar hang-out crowd, The pervasive aroma of stronger smokes coming from the vehicles parked in the back row (someone must have lit up a stogie).

All in all the whole deal was great fun. We got there at 7:00 PM and didn't leave until 1:30 PM. That's some entertainment dollar value! If you aren't buy on Memorial day, or any other traveling weekend for that matter, you should get to know this country and go off the beaten path.

Guitar Ex Machina

2006-05-12T13:54:00.000-05:00

I had always been interested in the guitar. My dad bought me one when I was 6. It was a smaller scale steel string acoustic, and I think it was a Hondo. It that age I can remember my dad picking on an acoustic with a black pickguard, always picking and experimenting, and he'd laugh when he made a run that made musical sense. I went for lessons when I was 6, in the evenings at the local junior high. Needless to say, I had met a lot of older kids there. Pimply face young men and women, dressed like a Salvation Army had thrown up. We worked out strumming some John Denver songs and old folk tunes. The steel strings ate up my 6 year old fingers. I brought my guitar in for show and tell one day. And that is the last I can remember of that guitar.

When I was 10, a neighbor had moved out and left me a gold color Les Paul style guitar. It was bad timing because I had just seen a series on the history of Rock & Roll, in which The Who had played predominately. I was 10, I had a guitar, and I had a driveway. My friends watched on (in horror) as I tried to recreate a proper guitar smashing. My friends knew, that if my folks knew what was going on, it would be my hide. I thought it was the cool thing to do at that moment, and the Les Paul created a gentle and graceful arc above my head. In an instant I started to batter that guitar against the driveway, adding small amounts of progressive damage. A knob flew off, wood splintered, and after a long while in the hands of a 10 year old, the neck yielded and I claimed victory. Victory over what, I don't know and since the neck was though body construction, I had to put out a great effort. It was a very unreasonable sweet smelling, warm, fall afternoon. I knew then that as long as one person knows what the most unreasonable cool thing to do in any given situation, Rock is not dead. Rock is not cool, Rock is the final result and expression of cool. Pete Townsend had made it look so easy, but let me tell you, getting total destruction on a solid body instrument requires a great deal of determination. I remember my folks coming out to see what was happening in the driveway after a long while, and the expressions on their faces when they saw the devestation. Both asked me in turn, "What did you do?!" and the response from my sweaty, red, beaming child face was, "Ain't it cool?"

I don't recall much of that day with clarity after that. It's like the volume was turned down.

I went to work the day I turned 16. I worked in the buffet department of an Airport Sheraton hotel. I set up rooms for business meeting, reunions, weddings, seminars, diet clubs, secret societies and proms. I actually got to set up my own prom, and barely evaded working it and tearing it down. Anyway, I bought another guitar with my first paycheck. I had wanted one for a while, but after the Les Paul Incident I can see why I was on my own. I bought a star shaped Crestline with a single humbucker. I got an amp with the next paycheck, a small 20A Gorilla. My next job was learning open chords. Then I decided I would learn one song totally and completely. Thank god for the three chord wonders of ACDC and The Scorpions. I started to learn a few tunes. There was a bass player named Phil that taught me the power chord an a plethora of Rush tunes. My buddy Alan taught me that you could play whatever you damn well pleased and a great exercise was to play with records and try to play the song without actually playing the notes of the song. After a year or longer I was playing in two bands, one being informal band, that I now call Orkfitz, (but could have been called Rat Scabies) playing a type of Acid Metal that actually sounded a lot what Jane's Addiction would be putting out some years later. The other was a band called Mantis that existed in the attic of Max's parent's house. It was a trio that played hair metal stuff. Both these bands taught me small amounts about what I was seeking and that was the communion of music. Sometimes you can hear a piece of music and it moves you on an emotional level, but when there is a group of musicians in a free form jam that are reading each others minds, well the effect I unlike anything this world has offered up to me.

I joined the military after a while and never had the chance to seriously play for about 6 years. I had to be co-erced into buying a guitar, and it opened those doors back up I thought had been shut a long while ago. I still play, but it's never going to be like it was when I was 18 and 19, a true acolyte searching for truth, naive and open faced, and hard at work with the band digging up experience.

More Stupid Software

2006-04-29T12:54:00.000-05:00

Buenos Noches, Mofo's, and Word to your mothers!

No, really, give your mothers a call. They like hearing from you.

Tough week at the Ion Farm, but the weekend is here and you're here, and that's kinda special. I think I'll crack open a couple of Michelob's for us and get started then.

First off I found a site that humbled me in simple ways. I came across this site that has small, very small, software utilities available (Read USB ready). My favorite utility is the mouse volume control that lets you control your computer volume buy left clicking and turning the wheel. Super nice when that mp3's subtle nuance you just turned up to groove on erupts into a drug fueled, megalomaniac, atomic, cococphony. In addition there is an endless list of password "recovery" tools that completely showed me that I should just have a piece of paper with all my password written on it yellow stickied to my monitor. There's also some cool network monitor stuff and other informational things that you should look at if you ever get into a Matthew Broderick/"War Games" mode, but don't want to sacrifice your social status, a lifetime of reading 3l33t hacker scripts, developing cred on an IRC channel, and washing your hair, and non-resident status at Guantonomo Bay. Of course, your e-mail life will flourish, my friend!

In addition if you are using a BitTorrent client an it's not uTorrent you probably should at lease try uTorrent. I have tried BitTorrent and Azareus and found them to be way cumbersome to use and quite unreliable for my set up. uTorrent is way lightweight, configures itself and has overall provided me with a great experience in ease of application. Toe to toe is matches it's speed to Azareus, but the feature I like best is the scheduler that allows you to set the time of the day in 1 hour blocks when uTorrent will run unlimited, when it will be off and when it will be limited by your specifications. Very cool, indeed!

Lastly, I have discovered Yahoo! Widgets And although there are some cornball, sophmoric, tripe to wade through, you can actually find something useful. There's like 2500 widgets on the gallery and I'm using 7 so for me, the chance that any given widget's actually something I'll use is like .28% but I do like the ones I'm using. They're transparent, don't take up a lot of space, and I don't notice them running.

Pandora FM

2006-04-22T12:02:00.000-05:00

Word Up,G!

I know that you liked the whole Pandora thing and I don't know if you have tried LastFM yet, but you can sign up for a free account there and they will monitor what you play on you computer's music software and hook you up with recommendations, but what is really cool abut these 2 things is that they have hooked up with each other through PandoraFM Which will monitor what you're listening to on Pandora and add it to a playlist on Last FM so you can go back and listen to the things you like. How cool is that? I dunno, I just started trying it out, but if it does in fact turn out to be cool, you're welcome! And if not, well,

. . . Awkward. . .

Hey this was a useful email, I think I'll post it on my blog.

--
Jam On, Kiddo,

The Migrant Ion Farmer

Migrant Ion Farmer VS The Ion Farm

2006-04-20T18:01:00.002-05:00

I knew it was going to happen, but I really didn't want it to. When I came into the Ion Farm on Wednesday, things were different. Yes, they had placed a proxy on their internet services that barred you from going to various sites. The list of sites blocked were apparently chosen at random. But no matter, although I was outraged, not at the idea of throttling back some bandwidth, or sheltering my more delicate and sensitive co-workers from the possibility of having their sensibilities offended by that ever-so-wiley internet, or even from the possibility that someone might even be screwing off a little instead of being productive. I guess it's the way, although my sense of freedom was encroached. I had a sense that my ability to choose what was appropriate and what was not appropriate was being supplanted by someone else. This entity had an power that I hadn't come across before, the ability to supplant my resourceful nature, finding information on that old superhighway in the sky. there is no standard, just a knee jerk reaction, conservatively banning all sites by keywords and not by content. I wanted to rebel, to open a forum of discussion about this, about how it could actually be a bad thing. But in this case it was actually easier to do something about it, than to talk about it.

The route I took involved James Marshall & his cgi proxy script which allowed me to put a proxy server on my website to counter the inhuman judgement of keyword filters. You can try it out here:

http://freedomalleystudios.com/cgiproxy/nph-proxy.pl

There's an installer I stumbled across and I had the whole deal up and running in about 5 minutes. It's a good deal and even if you didn't want to go through the whole deal of installing something on some webspace, you could probably do a google search for cgiproxy or nph-proxy.pl and have at it.

ROCK!

2006-04-11T21:16:00.000-05:00

My mother has always had an eye for unusual rocks. I don't know why or how, but she can always come up with something strange that is fossilized, and just damn odd. This one is her latest find, and she says that it could be a frog. Now this is the unretouched photo that she has sent to me for an professional opinion, and I have to say that me and the rest of the boys down here at the lab are puzzled. We've got tech's dragging equipment out of the mathom lab and experts working around the clock looking for new ways to explain this. The pressure is on and the clock is running. Do you mind if I am frank with you? If we don;t come up with an answer pretty soon, we're going to lose our government funding. Did you hear that? WE'RE GOING TO LOSE OUR GOVERNMENT FUNDING! Are you picking that up visually as well? Here, allow me to demonstrate:

So I need you guys to get me some answers right away, our this whole Ion Farmer ride is over. It was fun while it lasted, but without government funding, we will go the way of feathered hair and back pocket combs. Damn, I enjoyed it while it lasted.

Hotmail Beta Live Instant Access

2006-04-10T10:43:00.000-05:00

If you have a Hotmail account, you can try their new interface which I actually find a lot easier to use compared to their old and busted 1994 "look at me, I'm on the internet" style.

Steps:
1. You need to have a @hotmail.com account (it currently does not work with an @msn.com account). If you have one, simply login and click on Options, which is located towards the top right hand corner of the webpage.

2. Go to Options --> Personal Settings --> My Profile

3. Change the country name to United States and state to Florida --> (I've been using 33309 for the zip code) click Save but don't quit the webpage

4. Next, copy-and-paste the following string into your browser:

http://url.fm/3zy

That's my shortened URL, here's the original in case that doesn't work out for you
(Make sure you edit this into one continuous line):

http://by101fd.bay101.hotmail.msn.com/cgi-bin/
BetaOptIn?page=option&curmbox=00000000%2d0000%2d0000%2d0000%d000000000001
&a=b9a426ebd4880ad9d14db4b4c55a69f8bb8
dea2282102422220030b2b6bb98c8

I doesn't have the required style for me to rock in, but like I said, It's better and easier.

2006-04-08T07:44:00.000-05:00

Gallery of rogues, Continued. . .

2006-04-04T11:11:00.000-05:00

Ah, yes. . . Safari Charlie. The ideology of Safari Charlie, or what has become known in some Appalachian Regions as the "Safari Charlie Principle" has enabled me to do whatever I choose. It boils down to a simple phrase: "You put me with any other dumbass who want to do it, and you can consider it done." This is not to be confused with the Big Stash Proposition known as "When you start wondering about where you should and shouldn't be, that's when you've messed up."

The true origin of our friendship can be traced to the Greenbrier River, somewhere just south of Marlinton, WV, although there are precursors that can be found at Mayor's Place in Summersville, WV. How we happened to be on the Greenbrier in April is really of no concern other than the fact that we both saw it as really the only choice one has to fully be enjoying life. Yes, I admit hedonism was a driving factor, a gluttony for the outdoors and the freedoms it provides. Know you, dear reader, that this marks the seven year anniversary of this 4 day event.

Some glimpses into the original (and some will say never to be equaled) trip begins with a 45 minute trip to Marlinton where we will be putting in with a brand new, direct from the manufacturer, canoe and enough equipment to send a bathroom scale from 0 to 200 in a flew seconds flat. The vehicle of conveyance, which would become a major character in the unfolding plot is a Red, 1991 Dodge Ram 150, with a well worn cowboy interior (bench seats, no heat, no wipers, no radio, and none of the other amenities you fancy-pants might prefer). Located inside that vehicle one would find myself riding shot-gun, Safari Charlie as the transmission-wrangler, and Big Stash as Senior-In-Command of the operation. Sunshine is streaming through the evergreens as we wind our way, down the other side of the mountain, past the Monongahela Visitor Center and onward towards Marlinton. Later Big Stash was smiling right at us, our canoe caught on a shoal. As we navigated over this obstacle, he watched, and later commented on how he wish he had accepted our offer to take him along. I wish he had too.

It was an unseasonably warm day that stood in stark contrast to the icy winter runoff that was making the Greenbrier run so well. Neither us us had navigated the Greenbrier before, but we had a plan that was ideal. We had acquired 2 topographic maps of the state of West Virginia; one was in our possession, the other in the inventory of Big Stash. The exit strategy, should we need one would be to contact Big Stash with our page number and coordinates, should we require evacuation. The itinerary was to travel the Greenbrier south, to it's tributary point on the New River, and from there proceed North along the New River, arriving at Fayetteville, WV where we could take out, only 45 minutes from the opposite side of where the trip began. Along this trip Safari Charlie and I picked up certain indelible truths:

polypropylene underwear is king.
Jagermeister chases the scaries away.
Aggressive geese should be confronted at every turn.
Beware rednecks with rocks.
Rennick is the place to restock your larder. There's a gas station just up the hill.
The mayor of Rennick is also the Fire Chief and will let you fill you water jugs.
There is such a thing a SPAM gravy.
Always bring a fishing pole, in the more isolated spots Greenbrier fish are not shy.
In a canoe, it is possible to boil corn in transit.
Dead Man's Falls is nothing to snigger at.
Don't blow your cover: Pose as Canadian Fur Trappers.
There is a section of this river, some times veiled in an early morning fog, we came to call Lost World.
The river's bedrock at points looks like green tiled marble through the deep, clear water.
You can treat hypothermia immediately with a candy bar.
When illuminating your canoe with Tiki Torches ablaze, bats will feast on attracted insects, and you can present quite a diabolic spectacle that Blackbeard himself would be proud of.
When illuminating your canoe with Tiki Torches ablaze in Dead man's Falls, there is a certain fire safety concern.

My Buddy, Warner

2006-03-25T01:44:00.000-05:00

My friend Warner called the other day. I used the Magnum PI thing because he used to get that a lot when the show was on because of his resemblance. He's a tall guy, about 6'2", muscular, with a "chomach" (A registered trademark of Warner, meaning a large and not separated chest and stomach). I went to college for a while with Warner in the early nineties, when he was ending an era and I was just beginning mine. He said that we'd always keep in touch, and I said that he was wrong, a little time and we'd forget it all. I'm glad I was wrong. We went to college at Glenville State College and being that we were basically city folk and we found ourselves in rural West Virginia, we had to create our own entertainment. I guess that was the draw to the friendship -- we are hyper creative.

I learned from Warner, and still do, and in that way I'm lucky to have a mentor. A mentor who basically was born with a golden horseshoe up his ass, but a great mentor none the less. Here are 10 lessons from Warner:

1) There are 3 things that make a person more attractive, working behind a bar, being on stage, and money.

2) Take time to do good in little ways, like stop and help the turtle cross the highway. It gives you good karma points and that's important because

3) You can't shade God.

4) When going to a upper class event, always wear the cheapest, offbeat cologne you can find. The preferred brand is Mexicali Musk ("It Will Make You A Wanted Man"). Available a Dollar General Stores.

5) A deep respect and love of the ocean that I never had, although after serving my time in the Navy on a submarine, I am occasionally heard uttering, "I hate the sea and everything in it."

6) Life is basically a dream that you can control. Things are not the way they seem and you can change them at anytime to your favor.

7a) Don't be afraid of a physical ass beating. If you feel strongly about something that's wrong, do something about it. If you win, you've proved your point and if you lose, it still plays well, because no one else was brave enough to raise the issue.

7b) If you can't beat them with your strength, dazzle them with your footwork.

8) Let the little things survive. The fly that annoys you, at the end of the day, wants the same thing you do; to go home to his family.

9) The most debaucherous of souls gains respect with age.

10) Max Samples office mail Slot can scar you for life.

Cheat…Grocery Stores

2006-03-09T21:13:00.000-05:00

When buying beer at the grocery store, grab a 12-pack and go to the self-checkout line. Twist a can so the bar code is pointed out and scan the can instead of the bar code on the cardboard. It rings up as a six-pack instead of a 12.

What you hear on the bus.

2006-03-07T23:28:00.000-05:00

Crazy Guy: (repeatedly yelling) "I'm taking over! I'm taking over!"

Bus passengers: (uncomfortable silence for a minute)

Crazy Guy: "That wasn't much of a take over."

The Johnny Winter Experience Pt. II

2006-02-23T17:28:00.000-05:00

I have to say that the Bull Run Restaurant was a great venue to see an old favorite (John Dawson Winter III on 23 February 1944 in Beaumont, Texas). It was completely done up right. Check this out: $35.00 gets you inside, and a seat for a lavish menu. Oh yeah, what better way to set up a Johnny Winter show than Bass Ale and Prime Rib? Dinner conversation and an older crowd made this dining adventure a treat, complete with the late arrivals to our table, dyed in the wool Johnny fans and reliving their youth a little. Elaine gave me an update on Johnny's health status, while Monique, Steve and Bob did a routine about getting on the "crack patch". Good Stuff? No, but, hey, I didn't know that my table came with comedians! Good News, Everyone. . .I can take the night off.

After the meal, the warm up act came along. This would be Lloyd Thayer, of Massachusetts, most recently of The Boston Subway. This was kind of sleepy time for me, although I cannot fault a note the man played. He played some down in the Delta country blues including some Son House and Mississippi Fred MacDowell (A personal favorite). If I would have just heard him I would have loved him, but my predjudices had to come into play. I saw the man with the deep south voice and in my mind he was the Rick Astley of the Blues. Here I was, waiting to the the whitest man alive sing the blues and it was bothering me that this skinny tattooed dude was giving me what I liked: Deep track blues from ages past. I don't know why I like them so, I guess it's because it's like opening an old diary you find in the attic. It's old historical feeling that is there forever and will never change. So in short, at the time I called him the Blues Simulator, but in hindsight, I was being a jackass. My apologies to Lloyd Thayer, for everything I said behind his back, and some of the things I thought.

Now there was a little break between acts, but eventually Johnny Winter came shuffling along, band at his elbows, keeping him steady as they guided him to his chair. Now I know he broke his hip in 2000 on the European tour, and his health was going, but it shook me a little to see one of my idols in this way. But also it added something evil to the performance, because I tell you he was electric the minute the guitar landed in his hands. Oh my God! It was everything and more all at once and a great show to see. I was expecting a clap of thunder when he opened his mouth but to my surprise he announced that they were going to start with a little number called "Hideaway". Fluid and twisting great stuff. Also in that set list were some songs like "Black Jack", "Highway 61", "Start Over Again", "Johnny Guitar", "I'm A Man", "Sugar Coated Love", "When You Got a Good Friend", "Be Careful With a Fool", "Lone Wolf", "She Likes to Boogie Real Low", "Mojo Boogie", but not in that particular order.

I know the man is only 62 years old, but those are about the hardest living 62 years you can do and still be breathing. I think that every single day that he has had since 1973 has been a day he's been lucky to have. And I appreciate them fully. I think that Keith Richards looks at Johnny Winter and says, "Damn boy. You did wot, now?"

Oh, Yeah! The Johnny Winter Experience

2006-02-19T14:19:00.000-05:00

Man Alive, Everybody!

I know it's been a while since I've rapped at cha, but (insert favorite excuse here). Anyway, Johnny Winter is playing tonight in Shirley, MA and I'm going to go see him. I've got an idea that I might be able to photo blog it as well. We will see if I can get away with it. It's at the Bull Run Restaurant, and I have no idea what to expect. That's the way I like it. The woman on the phone I talked to said that they were famous for their prime rib! So I guess Johnny Winter is just a warm up act. Anyway, they do have a tap room so it sounds like red meat, white guitar players and blue ribbon beer!

Check on me later for some photo updates if it's possible. Show starts at 7:00 pm.

Getting Ready to Till the Ion Farm

2006-01-24T12:32:00.000-05:00

What's happening, y'all? I know it's been a while since I've been dropping some verbiage, but I'm not going to complain, and I'm not going to explain. I transferred to the engineering group in my company as a senior engineering technician and I like it a whole lot better. I'm still trying to understand how they do things there, but it's not as bad as starting a whole new job. I'm way happy to be out of Final Test, and it's mostly due to the fact that I like experimenting with things a whole lot better than manufacturing things.

So the winter here's been mild, I understand, but still, I'm feeling all couped up. That and working second shift. Second shift would be better if I was young and single and dating, but right now it's like a giant pain in the ass to me. It feels like I only get half of my time off because half of it is spent in the early morning hours. The 2 hours a day I'm commuting doesn't help either. Believe me, I've been giving that a lot of thought as well. If I could move closer to where I work it will be much better, I know, but the housing here is off scale. This is one of the few places in the world where half a million will buy a shit-hole. Everyone I know tries to put the spin on it, but look it, a shit-hole is a shit-hole, and whether your paying 60 G's or half a mil it has the potential to bust you up real good, like a stampede of fancy cowpokes from Brokeback Mountain.

I have to get my social game up. I thought about that on the way home last night. Enough with the professional patience of a butcher's block thing I've trying to pull off (and quite well, I might add) I need a social component with some real activity. I've been sitting around packin' on the pounds and losing my ever so petite figure. I got an awesome bike sitting in the next room I haven't climbed on since I got here, and Mass is a relatively bike friendly state. I know because I see it in the way people drive. For example, there is an old fellow I see from time to time, looks like Peter Boyle with long stringy hair, always wears a green sports jacket, and dresses like he's a Ben Franklin impersonator on his way to a 4th of July celebration. I see him every time I go to Salem, NH. I know that he can't be quite right in the head, and I surmise that the 60's expended his perceptions to the breaking point, and might have even ripped the elastic a little. Anyway, he walks in the middle of this 4 lane highway, y'know, the kind that divides a commercial area of packed in shopping plazas. I see him on the weekend, toddling through the bumper to bumper 30 MPH traffic. Never on the sidewalk, always in the street. I always give him a friendly toot on the horn as I go by and he shouts some quote from Poor Richard's Almanac like "Early to bed, Early to rise, Jerk!" or "Watch it, asshole! Oh-- and never a lender or borrower be." (I almost wrote Little Richard's Almanac. I bet that book has some funny quotes in it!) I see him all the time and he never gets hit by a car, although he should. That's how I know I can ride my bike any damn where I please in Massachusetts.

Behold: The Power of Blog

2005-12-13T00:57:00.000-05:00

Hi,

We just re-sent the serial number to you. Please let us know if you
didn't get it. Make sure you check in the junk folder for the message
as well. It will be coming from 'Power Technology Order System' and
the email is 'orders@fxsoundmail.com'.

Thank you,
DFX Support
Power Technology
http://www.fxsound.com

Ion Farmer VS DFX Audio Enhancer

2005-12-11T08:45:00.000-05:00

From: "DFX Audio Enhancer"
To: ionfarmer@dodgeit.com
Subject: DFX for Windows Media Player Holiday Accessory
Date: Sat, 10 Dec 2005 18:05:24 -0500

Great holiday accessory from the makers of DFX Audio Enhancer

Thank you for using DFX for Windows Media Player. We hope you are enjoying your music experience so far. Just in time for the holidays we've stocked up on the popular MP3 Connector, an audio accessory that makes a great gift for any music fan. Place your order before December 19 and we guarantee delivery by Christmas.

The Revolutionary MP3 Connector:
The MP3 Connector is the only audio adapter which allows you to listen to all of your computer audio through both your home stereo and computer speakers simultaneously, giving you more sound impact.

Key Features:
+ Hear PC audio through both your home stereo and computer speakers simultaneously, for more sound
+ Enjoy music downloads, Internet radio, games and other digital audio on your high-quality home stereo
+ Listen to your MP3 library in another room
+ Transfer cassette tapes and LPs to your computer
+ 100% Plug and Play, no drivers or software to install
+ Compatible with Windows, Mac, iPod, and more

Available in two convenient lengths: 50 ft. (15.2 m) and 25 ft. (7.6 m)

Dear DFX Employee,

I have to admit, I was impressed with he sound of the DFX Audio Enhancer, so much so, that I bought it and downloaded it immediately. Which was good news for you, because that meant your product was selling and you would be ensured of a raise or maybe a bonus further down the line. I wanted to test it's performance and then blog about it indefinitely so that my friends, family, readers, and peers would understand that this was a piece of software, was worthy of their time and hard-earned money. That too would have been good news for you, as continued consumer confidence in your product would have helped out the position of your employee stock share purchases. This would have happened, if, that is, a stray power failure didn't crash my computer.

You see, with in 2 short weeks of using your software, a blackout caused a failure in my master boot record resulting in a total restoration of the hard drive. The hard drive is where I kept all my back up information about the DFX AUdio Enhancer program, unfortunately. Much to my surprise, when I contacted DFX to recover my registration information, I found that the company was more than willing to sell it to me for $9.99 and that doesn't sit easy with me my friend.

I could not understand how many times I had to buy this software to enjoy it, or if I had only rented my registration. Although there is no laws against making a profit in this way, I find it, as do most of my colleagues, an unscrupulous practice and one that has drawn my ire.

Because of this practice, not only will I not be buying "The Revolutionary MP3 Connector" this great holiday season, I will also not be recommending your otherwise fabulous software to anyone. In fact, I am so bothered by his, I plan to tell anyone who will take the information of the DFX unheard of campaign to alienate its customer base, and isolate would be returning consumers and their credit cards.

I'm sorry it had to work out this way. I really enjoyed the DFX plug-in for a short amount of time. And when/if that Holiday Bonus comes rolling along, I apologize beforehand for it's lackluster magnitude.

It's Not You, It's Me,

IonFarmer

Edumencated Pronunskiation

2005-12-08T01:00:00.000-05:00

Dearest creature in creation,
Study English pronunciation.
I will teach you in my verse
Sounds like corpse, corps, horse, and worse.
I will keep you, Suzy, busy,
Make your head with heat grow dizzy.
Tear in eye, your dress will tear.
So shall I! Oh hear my prayer.

Just compare heart, beard, and heard,
Dies and diet, lord and word,
Sword and sward, retain and Britain.
(Mind the latter, how it's written.)
Now I surely will not plague you
With such words as plaque and ague.
But be careful how you speak:
Say break and steak, but bleak and streak;
Cloven, oven, how and low,
Script, receipt, show, poem, and toe.

Hear me say, devoid of trickery,
Daughter, laughter, and Terpsichore,
Typhoid, measles, topsails, aisles,
Exiles, similes, and reviles;
Scholar, vicar, and cigar,
Solar, mica, war and far;
One, anemone, Balmoral,
Kitchen, lichen, laundry, laurel;
Gertrude, German, wind and mind,
Scene, Melpomene, mankind.

Billet does not rhyme with ballet,
Bouquet, wallet, mallet, chalet.
Blood and flood are not like food,
Nor is mould like should and would.
Viscous, viscount, load and broad,
Toward, to forward, to reward.
And your pronunciation's OK
When you correctly say croquet,
Rounded, wounded, grieve and sieve,
Friend and fiend, alive and live.

Ivy, privy, famous; clamour
And enamour rhyme with hammer.
River, rival, tomb, bomb, comb,
Doll and roll and some and home.
Stranger does not rhyme with anger,
Neither does devour with clangour.
Souls but foul, haunt but aunt,
Font, front, wont, want, grand, and grant,
Shoes, goes, does. Now first say finger,
And then singer, ginger, linger,
Real, zeal, mauve, gauze, gouge and gauge,
Marriage, foliage, mirage, and age.

Query does not rhyme with very,
Nor does fury sound like bury.
Dost, lost, post and doth, cloth, loth.
Job, nob, bosom, transom, oath.
Though the differences seem little,
We say actual but victual.
Refer does not rhyme with deafer.
Feoffer does, and zephyr, heifer.
Mint, pint, senate and sedate;
Dull, bull, and George ate late.
Scenic, Arabic, Pacific,
Science, conscience, scientific.

Liberty, library, heave and heaven,
Rachel, ache, moustache, eleven.
We say hallowed, but allowed,
People, leopard, towed, but vowed.
Mark the differences, moreover,
Between mover, cover, clover;
Leeches, breeches, wise, precise,
Chalice, but police and lice;
Camel, constable, unstable,
Principle, disciple, label.

Petal, panel, and canal,
Wait, surprise, plait, promise, pal.
Worm and storm, chaise, chaos, chair,
Senator, spectator, mayor.
Tour, but our and succour, four.
Gas, alas, and Arkansas.
Sea, idea, Korea, area,
Psalm, Maria, but malaria.
Youth, south, southern, cleanse and clean.
Doctrine, turpentine, marine.

Compare alien with Italian,
Dandelion and battalion.
Sally with ally, yea, ye,
Eye, I, ay, aye, whey, and key.
Say aver, but ever, fever,
Neither, leisure, skein, deceiver.
Heron, granary, canary.
Crevice and device and aerie.

Face, but preface, not efface.
Phlegm, phlegmatic, ass, glass, bass.
Large, but target, gin, give, verging,
Ought, out, joust and scour, scourging.
Ear, but earn and wear and tear
Do not rhyme with here but ere.
Seven is right, but so is even,
Hyphen, roughen, nephew Stephen,
Monkey, donkey, Turk and jerk,
Ask, grasp, wasp, and cork and work.

Pronunciation -- think of Psyche!
Is a paling stout and spikey?
Won't it make you lose your wits,
Writing groats and saying grits?
It's a dark abyss or tunnel:
Strewn with stones, stowed, solace, gunwale,
Islington and Isle of Wight,
Housewife, verdict and indict.

Finally, which rhymes with enough --
Though, through, plough, or dough, or cough?
Hiccough has the sound of cup.
My advice is to give up!!!

Some Tips - " 'terpsichore' is pronounced terpsickery, 'lichen'is pronounced liken, 'melpomene' is pronounced melpominy, 'Feoffer 'is pronounced feffer, 'victual' is pronounced vittle, 'gunwale' is pronounced gunnell, 'groats' is pronounced grits."

What's the Status, Gladys?

2005-11-30T13:08:00.000-05:00

It took a week, but things are finally coming back into order. I am now a registered Massachusetts resident, complete with license plate, amd am sure I will be affecionately regaled as an official "Mass-hole" in other states that I may travel in, complete with requisite and loving finger getures and shouts of recognition. The other guy's insurance company is coming through and I will restore the "Steroid Stallion" back to it's former glory. All in all, I was out 3 days of work trying to get things together over the holiday and was somewhat besiged by worry and mild post accident depression.

On the other hand, after all the paperwork and show leather I was working off on Monday, I had an interview for a new position on Tuesday with my company as a Senior Engineering Technician. I think the interview went smashingly. Especially since my mind wasn't on the details of preparing for it. Which may have actually helped. I was in some sort of Zen flow-state during the interview and my words and actions flowed out like water from Moses's Rock. Except no one had to strike me with a rod. Repeatedly. Until I submitted.

Subaru VS Ion Farmer

2005-11-22T17:35:00.000-05:00

A dark, rainy day and bumper to bumper traffic always has me driving a little more cautious than usual. Not this guy. He was on me like a backpack for miles and I had "The Inking", y'know when it's obvious somethings going to happen, it's just a matter of time. . . BASH!

I had enough room in front of me that when he hit, I'd be clear of anyone in front of me. I saw the whole thing happening literally miles before it happened and there was nothing I could do about it. Anyway, I'm OK and they're OK and now it's just a matter of time and money.

As you can see the Subaru took the brunt of the damage and I am happy to say that the "Station Wagon on Steriods" that I dirve, sometimes called a Magnum, escaped with minor scratches as far as is visable to the eye. Of course, once the bumper is removed, there's no telling what the deal is.

So, I'm starting my holiday a little early to get some paperwork done.

Huzzah!

Man or Astroman?

2005-11-20T19:31:00.000-05:00

All Right! My favorite new find this week? I'm glad You asked, my level headed friend! PANDORA!! What is it and why do I like it? Here's the deal, when Pandora comes up it load a streaming media player, you enter a song or artist that you like and pandora searches the music genome project to find similar songs and artisit and makes a streaming radio station with that music. Sometimes it's a miss, but more often it's a hit.

I've got mind PC rigged up with a T-Amp and routed to a pair of near field studio monitors I got from E-Bay. A T-Amp is a small battery powered amplifier with amazing audiophile-grade sound reproduction qualities that rival high dollar amps for under $30.00 and worth 10 times the cash. This amplifier will drive typical full size stereo speakers!! I've never had a better sounding audio system in my life.

Anyway my favorite radio station on Pandora right now is my own creation,Link Wray Radio which is basically Ventures type instrumentals. Good Stuff!

Back From the Dead

2005-11-16T11:36:00.000-05:00

Hey Y'all, I feel that I am back in full effect, the case of technological beat-down has been solved. There's been lots going on since I last put a finger to keyboard, but the jist of it is that I am applying for a new position at the same company, one that better suits my motivations. Anyway, we'll see how that goes. There's no reason I shouldn't get hired. Unless the good old boy system aka "The Man" keeps me down. In which case I will redouble my efforts in "Stickin' It" to the aforementioned "Man". Unless, you happen to be the man, in which case, I say, "Hi, how are you? Oh, yeah, well, things here are going smashingly. Have to run now."

I've tried a new thing I'm diggin on with the newssites and blogs I read, I've used the atom/rss feeds where available to put them on my personalized Google home page. You have to have a gmail account to personalize google, I think, but if you still need an invitation to create a gmail account, use one of the methods to contact me from the sidebar over there, and I'll send you one. I've always like Google as my home page because it is clean, loads fast, and lets me get to what I really want so browse quickly, and now between using Firefox and it's amazing list of extensions, and creating new blocks on my personalized Google home page, I can see if anything interesting has happened quick.

Every now and then, It's a little hard to tell,
But I'm still alive and well.
-Johnny Winter

UBCD

2005-10-21T11:15:00.000-05:00

I downloaded a CD image from and am hoping to recover the computer with it. I am really eager to get back to the new computer, as you can imagine. Not making a revocery CD for my box was really dumb, but I've gotten away with it in the past and now I have good judgement from experience which came from bad judgement. Hope I don't screw this up . . .

Main Box Down Hard

2005-10-20T15:03:00.000-05:00

My XP box is down hard. The message I read on the BSOD is unmountable_boot_volume. I need to fix my MBR, I think, but I cannot get there with the tools I have. My box doesn't have a recovery disk, and I don't want to format my hard drive to get it up. I do have a xp install CD from another box, but that CD only wants to format and install XP, alas, no recovery screen. What I think I need to look for is to make a bootable CD that has a MBR utility on it, but as I experiment more and more with this I am getting stymied. I'd appreciate anyone's help on this matter, as I have become this desperate.

Demons VS Ion Farmer

2005-10-18T22:11:00.000-05:00

It has been a technologically crippling week for me, my friends! There was a brown out Saturday that shut down my hard drive and appearently unmounted it. My tower is in a constant state of re-booting, I can't get a command prompt and the recovery disk wants to format my hard drive. So I hooked up the old computer that now refuses to connect to the internet. Oh yeah, I lost a SD card that contains my contact manager program, (The contacts remain intact, as far as I know). So there you have it. You should never blog about demons, they will attack your electronic informations y'all. It's worse than electronic chain-mail!!

How to Use Demonic Chatter to Improve Your Life

2005-10-14T11:46:00.000-05:00

HAVE demons been talking to you lately? Don't panic! You can learn loads of valuable information from the chatty minions of Satan -- including tidbits about future business trends you can use to get rich in this Informative article from the Weekly World News. The article includes this helpful warning:

"About 95 percent of what demons say should be ignored -- for example, if they tell you to drown your children."

Here's the breakdown:

1 STRING THE DEMON ALONG -- If the evil entity asks you to sell your soul to Satan, feign interest to keep it talking as long as possible.

2 FOLLOW UP ON CLUES -- If the demon promises that surrendering to Lucifer will make you the richest person in the world in 10 years, nonchalantly ask who the second richest will be then.

"Later do an Internet search for the name," suggests Wiltex. "If you find it's a young entrepreneur, invest in his fledgling business."

3 PRAISE FOLKS YOU WANT TO SNOOP ON -- If you tell the demon your boss is an "upstanding Christian" who says the Devil is full of lies, the demon might shoot back, "He's boinking Judy in accounting" -- a useful fact to have in your pocket next time you ask for a raise. "If you praise your daughter's morals, the demon may inform you that she smokes pot," says the expert.

4 ALWAYS CORROBORATE -- "If the demon says your wife is cheating on you, don't take it as gospel," says Wiltex. "Before you go for your shotgun, hire a private detective to make sure."

I have do doubt that a self-help audio series on this subject matter would sell better than the idea that America actually is under a constant terrorist threat! I'm not afraid, because I have my Duct Tape and Plastic Sheeting to protect me.

If the Emergency Broadcast System ever alerts anyone to anything, I'll be ready. Neither demons nor terrorism is a match for the 4 B's: Beans, Bibles, Bullets and Bandages. Oh yeah, Plastic Sheeting and Duct Tape, too.

Five Killer Concerts (1985-1987)

2005-10-13T09:49:00.000-05:00

1. Dio w/ Rough Cutt - Sacred Heart Tour, October 25, 1985, Richfield Coliseum, Richfield, Ohio, 11,000 people. Flashing whips, electric swords, animatronic dragons and knights, lasers and fog, and a extended Vivian Campbell solo. This inspires awe on the level of the Holy Grail melded with a nuclear fuel rod to the brain of a 15 year old 80's metal head.

2. VoiVod/Kreator - Tornado '87, May 11, 1987, Peabody's Down Under, Cleveland, Ohio. Voivod Opened with "Killing Technoloy" and went on to perform every song from that LP. A VoiVod concert is how I picture the end of the world will be.

3. Motorhead w/ Slayer & Overkill - September 11, 1987, Agora Theatre, Cleveland, Ohio. Motorhead played so loud in the aging Agora Theatre, that pieces of the ceiling literally began to fall down on to the audience.

4. Rush w/ Tommy Shaw - Hold Your Fire, December 17, 1987, Richfield Coliseum, Richfield, Ohio.

5. Anthrax w/Metal Church - June 11, 1987, Phantasy Theatre, Cleveland, Ohio. This is the first time Randy and I were ever in the same building. Screw what VH1 tells you about Aerosmith inventing Metal-Rap, Anthrax was there first. And they were there with Flava Flav.

Five dives I should walk home from

2005-10-12T10:55:00.000-05:00

1. The Colley Cantina or PJ's 19th Hole - Ghent, VA
2. The Lonesome Dove - Tioga, WV
3. The Euclid Tavern - Cleveland, OH
4. The Irish Pub - Goettingen, Germany
5. Smokes - Warner Robins, GA

Ion Farmer VS Barrister MARK MORRISSON

2005-10-11T11:15:00.000-05:00

So, I actually got to chat with a spammer. Apparently I outraged him enough by my complaint letter that he actually tried to confront me with it. Luckily for me I was in a Texas frame of mind.

Session Start (FreedomAlley:r_y016): Thu Sep 29 11:57:03 2005
[11:57] r_y016:i want to chat with you.
[11:57] FreedomAlley: yes?
[11:57] r_y016: how are you today?
[11:57] FreedomAlley: regular
[11:58] r_y016: HOW IS LIFE OVER THERE
[11:58] FreedomAlley: Just chillin', kickin' the fly pill with my homies, you know!
[11:59] r_y016: OK THAT IS FINE
[11:59] r_y016: SO WHER ARE YOU NOW
[11:59] FreedomAlley: Just cruising the information superhighway, collecting my email address on the way!
[12:00] r_y016: I MEAN YOU FROM WHER?
[12:00] FreedomAlley: Aw shit, pardner, lots of places. You ever hear of "Big Texas Monsters of Rodeo?"
[12:02] r_y016: THEN CAN YOU JUST TELL ME YOUR AGE?
[12:02] FreedomAlley: Yeah pardner, we gots a league in Pantalones Del Fuego, Texas, for "Big Texas Monsters of Rodeo" here.
[12:02] r_y016: WHY YOU SEND TO ME THIS MESSAGE?
[12:03] FreedomAlley: We gots a Big Texas league here, we compete!
[12:03] r_y016: have been an Tome, Logo customer since 23th September 2005, when I responded to your e-mail (electronic message) requesting financial mediation. During this five-day period I have encountered inadequacy of service which I had not previously considered possible, as well as ignorance and stupidity of monolithic proportions. Please allow me to provide specific details, so that you can either pursue your professional prerogative, and seek to rectify these difficulties - or more likely (I suspect) so that you can have some entertaining reading material as you while away the working day smoking cheap cigarettes and drinking vendor-coffee on the toilet in your office:
[12:03] r_y016: My initial correspondance was terminated without warning, resulting in placing a call to your personal number, and my spending an entire Saturday sitting on my fat arse waiting for your email (electronic message) to arrive. When it did not arrive, I spent a further 57 minutes listening to your infuriating hold music, and the even more annoying Scottish robot woman telling me to look at your helpful website....HOW? I alleviated the boredom by playing with my testicles for a few minutes - an activity at which you are no-doubt both familiar and highly adept. The another email (electronic message) From Barrister Kafi, from Tome, Logo then came some two days later, although the sender did forget a number of vital details - such as a connection to the original letter, a different place of ori
[12:04] r_y016: have made 9 additional calls on my mobile to your no-help line, to contact you personally. And have been unhelpfully transferred to a variety of disinterested individuals, who are it seems also highly skilled testicle jugglers. I have been informed the Barrister is available (and someone will call me back); that no Barrister is available (and someone will call me back); that I will be transferred to someone who knows whether or not a Barrister is available (and then been cut off); that I will be transferred to someone (and then been redirected to an answer machine informing me that your office is closed); that I will be transferred to someone and then been redirected to the irritating Scottish robot woman...and several other variations on this theme. Doubtless you are no longer read
[12:04] FreedomAlley: Opps, It must be My Computer.
[12:04] r_y016: Credit card scammers - wankers though they are - shine like brilliant beacons of success, in the filthy puss-filled mire of your seemingly limitless inadequacy. Suffice to say that I have now given up on my futile and foolhardy quest to receive any kind of service from you. I suggest that you cease any potential future attempts to contact me for the services which you have so pointedly and catastrophically failed to deliver - any such activity will be greeted initially with hilarity and disbelief quickly be replaced by derision, and even perhaps bemused rage. I have also mailed you copies of this letter to the addreses you have provided. I enclosed two small deposits, selected with great care from my cats litter tray, as an _expression of my utter and complete contempt for both you and
[12:05] r_y016: THANKS FOR THAT OK BYEEEEEEEEEEEEE
[12:06] r_y016: OK
[12:06] r_y016: TILL YOU MEET YOUR FATHER
[12:07] FreedomAlley: Wait a minute? What are you trying to say?
[12:07] FreedomAlley: Do you know BARRISTER KAFI AKUOMA?
[12:08] r_y016: SAYING YOU WILL MEET YOU MROTHER
[12:08] r_y016: YRS
[12:08] r_y016: WHAT HAPPON
[12:08] r_y016: WAITING
[12:08] FreedomAlley: What?
[12:09] r_y016: I SAID YES I KNOW HIM
[12:09] r_y016: BYEEEEE
[12:09] FreedomAlley: I have been getting lots of correspondaence from Tome, Logo. Do you know Barrister Ottis Charles?
[12:10] FreedomAlley: I have been trying to contact him, but his phone line sends me to some crazy Scottish robot woman!!!
[12:11] FreedomAlley: He works on the same street as Barrister KAFI AKUOMA
[12:11] FreedomAlley: And if I can get them together It would make it much easier for me to get account information.
[12:12] FreedomAlley: We gots a Big Texas league here, we compete!
[12:12] FreedomAlley: Yeah pardner! Me and my friend Spermy Joe got first and second place in the "Twist n' Tuck" competition last month! It was on ESPN 3! Did you see it?
[12:14] FreedomAlley: It's a dag-burned blast pardner! We herd a bunch of cattle into a ring, which has broken glass and nails all over it! Then we got to jump on all the cows backs and try to rope them!
[12:14] FreedomAlley: Then people in the audience throw liquor bottles at our heads! Then the lights go out and we gotta rope the cows in the dark!
[12:17] FreedomAlley: Hey! HEY!? WHUZZUP my level headed friend?
[12:27] FreedomAlley: HEY LOOK AT ME!!!!
Session Close (r_y016): Thu Sep 29 12:31:08 2005

Session Start (FreedomAlley:r_y016): Sun Oct 09 12:31:53 2005
[12:32] FreedomAlley: Hey, Why Cant we Be Freinds?
Session Close (r_y016): Sun Oct 09 13:00:07 2005

Session Start (FreedomAlley:r_y016): Tue Oct 11 05:43:14 2005
[05:43] r_y016: yes we can be a friend only if you want ok
[05:43] *** Auto-response sent to r_y016: I am currently away from the computer.
[05:44] r_y016: ok till when you come back ok
[06:37] *** "r_y016" signed off at Tue Oct 11 06:37:54 2005.
Session Close (r_y016): Tue Oct 11 11:06:26 2005

And just like a sign from God that all was right in the world, the next day, an email appeared in my inbox.

Date: Tue, 11 Oct 2005 12:59:56 +0100 (BST)
From: "mark morrisson"
Subject: YOUR URGENT ATTENTION IS NEEDED/Danito McLachenstein

Attn Danito McLachenstein

LEGAL ATTORNEY & SOLICITOR

I am Barrister MARK MORRISSON, a solicitor at law, personal attorney to Mr.P.B McLachenstein a national of your country, who used to work as a contractor and importer in Lome Togo.[West Africa] here in after shall be referred to as my client. On the 26th December 2003, my client, his wife and their only daugther were involved in a plane crash in a village called Adjarra near Porto Novou after take off from Cotonou in Benin Republic where they went for a Concert .

It was unfortunate that my client and his family all lost their lives in that crash.For more on the plane crash log on to http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/africa/3348109.stm (http://www.cnn.com/2003/WORLD/africa/12/26/benin.crash/index.html)

Since then I have made several enquiries here to locate any of my clients extended relatives, this has also proved unsuccessful. After these several unsuccessful attempts,I decided to search through with his last name which motivated me to contact you, to locate any member of his family hence I contacted you.

I have contacted you to assist in repatriating the money and property left behind by my late client before they get confiscated, frozen or declared unserviceable by the bank where these huge deposits were lodged. Particularly where the deceased had an account valued at about $12.Million United States Dollars Only (Twelve Million ,United States Dollars Only) . The Management has issued me a notice to provide the next Of kin or have the account frozen within the next twenty Two Official working days.

Since I have been unsuccessful in locating the relatives for over 2 years now i seek your consent to present you as the next of kin of the deceased since you have the same last name so that the proceeds of this account valued at USD12M can be paid to you and then you and me can share the money. I have all the necessary legal informations / Documents that can be used to back up any claim we may make. And this I must do to make sure that this fund is not Wasted or end up in the wrong hands.

All I require is your honesty , co-operation to enable us see this transaction through. I guarantee that this will be executed under a legitimate arrangement that will protect you from any breach of the law. I am waiting your urgent reply. Please you can reach me through my private email address as indicated. Thanks for understanding , waiting to hear from you urgently for more updates.

Yours Truly
Barrister MARK MORRISSION.(ESQ),

LEGAL ATTORNEY & SOLICITOR
ROYAL CHAMBERS 14,
RUE DE JANVIE BP 10556
LOME TOGO WEST AFRICA

There's a toad squirmin im my brain that says "Let's run on a green light, Daddy-O!"

Barrister MARK MORRISON (ESQ):

I have to be frank with you: MR PB McLachenstein and his family were not only my namesakes, they were also my neighbors. Unfortunately, we were not the best of neighbors. Isn't it funny that with millions of square miles of the earth to roam, that some how, the people I hate always seem to move in next door to me? It's like I'm flypaper for jackasses or something. Anyway to prove that I actually knew PB McLachenstein, let me give you a little break down so you can judge for yourself, Barrister.

My neighbors moved into the house next to ours in October 1997. It’s a brand new neighborhood with new houses. Everyone’s house looks beautiful but that’s about to change. The new neighbors seem like normal people until shortly after they move in (more later).

First, let me say that my redneck neighbor is not destitute or under-privileged. The guy owns a business, drives VERY nice new cars, he just doesn’t care about his house. Since you guys were best friends with benefits, we’ll call him PB for short.

October 1997 - They are here!
Well, it should have been a sign of things to come but my neighbors move into their brand new house. Inventory: 1 Artificial Christmas tree, clothes, stereo system, TV, no furniture). The Christmas tree is nicely decorated (remember, it's October). We can tell what the tree looks like because the windows have no miniblinds so at night, you can see right into the house as you drive up. They have also decided to wrap some strands of Christmas lights around their front porch railing. I guess there's no electric outlet nearby because they never turn these lights on.

October 1997 - 1st Home beautification project
It's dark outside, I'm standing in front of my house and my neighbor does the following: He gets in his car, drives it up to the house on the other side of my house (this house is still being built). He backs his car up to the construction site and opens the trunk. He calmly proceeds to load up the trunk with bricks and 2x4s. Pretty clever, huh?

The following night, at around 9:00pm he decides it's time to build a mailbox post. It's very nice. He used the stolen 2x4s from the previous night. It looks like it's made out of 2x4s except he didn't steal any that were long enough so he nails a couple of them together to get the correct height - I mean, it has to look just right! The mailbox post is not very sturdy so he braces it with an additional 2x4 (at an angle). Click here to see the mailbox (no bracing 2x4 though).

He uses the bricks as edging for his flower beds. They look nice. Especially with the newly planted bamboo trees and the ten gallon fish tank (no fish, just water).

November 1997 - The fence!
I wake up to my wife telling me, "Hey, it looks like PB is working on a fence". Well I don't think much of it until she tells me that he's trying to build a fence around the entire house (front and back) and that the fence is going to be chain-link. We have some "covenant rules" that prohibit you from putting up a silver chain-link fence. Also, you cannot have any fence go past the back of your house. By now, I am freaking out. I can see the property value falling faster than his mailbox post.

Anyway, I get to work and at 9:01AM I call our builder. I explain the situation to him and he agrees to pay PB a visit before the concrete around the metal posts dries. Sure enough, I get home after work and the posts around the front of the house are laying on the street. Not exactly what I expected but at least they're out of the ground. Tragedy is averted for now.

A few days later I realize he's not putting up chain-link but "chicken wire". Call # 2 to the builder. While talking on the phone, the builder starts referring to the neighbor in a less-than-amicable fashion – someone else on my side!

By that afternoon, the fence is chain-link again. The top of the fence looks like a wave (he didn't want to spend the 6 bucks on a level), and the sides look like an S. Very crafty guy. Total estimated fence cost: $250.00 - but wait! -- He didn't set all the metal posts in concrete! Actual cost: $62.50. You get the idea here.

Sometime after the fence
Well, it's time to give Cujo the Rottweiler a home. The dog's actual name is Lucky. The dog quickly learns how to jump the fence. Once tied to a chain, he also learns that if he barks for a long time, people will come out to see him. Unfortunately, for about the first two weeks, he wants to be "seen" late at night. Apparently, PB doesn't play the "let's-see-what-the-hell-is-wrong-with-the-dog" game. I'm the only game participant. After throwing a few rocks Cujo's way, he decides he'd rather sleep at night.

Something else needs to be mentioned. Since PB’s business is booming, he decides he doesn't have time to feed "Not-so-Lucky". Instead, he breaks open a 50 lb. bag of dog food in the middle of his storage closet and Cujo goes in there whenever he's hungry. Unfortunately for Cujo, the ants like dog food too.

Sometime after the dog
All work and no play is cramping PB’s lifestyle! It's time to get in shape. We wake up early on a Saturday morning to the sounds of a bouncing basketball. He's put a basketball goal about 15 feet from our bedroom window.

Mom moves in!
Nothing wrong here. Mom seems like a very nice lady. Unfortunately, my wife wakes me up to bad news again. "Something weird is happening at PB’s house. His dog is chasing some chickens around the back yard." Unfortunate indeed. Just as I peek out the bathroom window, I see PB’s mom come out and throw some chicken feed in the middle of the yard. About nine chickens gather around, frantically pecking at the food but Cujo crashes in and spoils the moment. My morning is spoiled as well.

Remember the old "covenant rules" of our neighborhood? Well, there's a sentence in there about livestock (fancy word for chickens and goats). We don’t live in the country – we live in the city. After a quick phone call to our city's "Special enforcement" folks, they promise to come out and give PB a warning. The chickens are gone within a couple days. Can you say chicken feast?

Shortly after this, PB decides that maybe the city folks don't like chickens. Marcy thinks she hears Canadian geese behind our house. It's geese alright. PB has enclosed the wooden deck behind his house with some more chain-link fence and is now raising geese right on the deck! The geese disappear weeks after without the intervention of the fine folks at Special Enforcement. Maybe they flew away.

Mom decides she can't be without her feathery friends and moves back home shortly after.

Party number one
It's Tuesday morning, about 2:00am. My wife and I wake up to what feels like a small tremor. It's PB’s stereo, AKA the Bass Machine. All we hear is this bass rumble (it's making our bedroom windows rattle), and what sounds like a very poor male singer. Every song has the same monotone male singer. Well, amusement quickly turns to annoyance and anger. I decide to go ask them to turn it down.

I knock on the door. Get ready for this image. The door opens, PB is holding a beer. There's a working disco ball hanging on their ceiling fan. There's a guy in the background standing in front of a big screen TV (holding a microphone). The words to George Michael's "Careless Whisper" slowly scroll to the music. You guessed it! It's a Karaoke Party!!! It takes all my strength to not laugh and remain "angry". I ask them to turn it down. The music stops for tonight.

2nd home beautification project
PB decides to put up rain gutters in front of his carport. Unfortunately he doesn't buy a piece long enough for the width of the carport. Instead, he buys two pieces. They're about ten feet long. He wedges the two pieces together by hand and proceeds to nail the now larger piece directly onto the carport. Once again, things don't go as planned for PB and he realizes the middle of the rain gutter is sagging -- right where the two pieces join. Having no time to consult his engineer friends, he comes up with the answer -- he ties a piece of a wire coat hanger around the middle of the rain gutter. For the finishing touch, he ties the coat hanger around a nail he's nailed onto the carport roof shingles. The nail is not nailed all the way into the shingles. About an inch of the nail remains above the shingles with the coat hanger wire neatly wrapped around it. Bob Vila would love this guy.

The Rock
This has to do with another home improvement project. There's no way to describe this project. It is quite simple. He wants to put a rock in his flower bed. The weird part is how the rock is placed there. When I describe this to my friends at work, I call it the "one legged table". I know it's hard to picture it. To see it, click here.

Party number two
This party follows the pattern of the first party except I didn't feel the urge to laugh. The scenario is the same. It's a weeknight, it's about 1:00AM and the party is going strong. I decide to again go speak to PB about the problem. I knock on the door and soon realize that the music is so loud that they can't hear the doorbell or my knocking. It's very cold outside and I'm VERY angry by now. The only thing I can do is to wait for the song to end so I can pound on the door hard enough for them to hear me. As predicted, the song ends, I bang on the door and in a few seconds, PB is standing there, holding a beer, smiling at me. I explain my concerns to PB and he apologizes several hundred times. I shake my head and return home.

Same night, but it's now 3:00am. The music is back and with authority. It wakes us up again and this time I'm ready to kill somebody. Instead, I call the police. The funny thing is that when the police officer arrives, PB can't hear the officer knocking on the door. By now, my wife and I are glued to the window hoping to see some police brutality (yeah it's bad). The officer proceeds to walk around the house shining his flashlight into the windows hoping to get a glimpse of what's happening inside.

As the officer is walking back towards the front of the house, PB opens the door and sees the police car. He panics and slams the door shut. The officer sees the light shining on the front lawn and runs to the front door. The officer starts pounding on the door, and shouting. After about thirty seconds, the door opens and the cop goes inside the house. We can hear the officer screaming for them to turn the music off.

Sweet!

I meet the officer by his car and he tells me to call him back if I hear anything so he can take everyone to jail. It was beautiful.

The Structure
In case you have not noticed by now, PB’s favorite hobby is to build things poorly. His next project is yet unnamed. All my friends call it the chicken coop. There are several theories as to what this building really is. The theories include: chicken coop, two-story deck, two-story chicken coop, work shop, shed, etc. It would be easier for you to see it than for me to describe it. Once thing is certain, it is HUGE. Unfortunately for PB, I called the city and he has been asked by the fine folks at "code enforcement" to stop building whatever that is. He needs to get a building permit. Luckily for the neighborhood, that thing will not meet building code regardless of what it is.

The lawn mower
After living here about 8 months, PB decides to buy a lawn mower. Unfortunately for my wife and I, PB is too excited about his new purchase. He's so excited that he decides he needs to cut the lawn. The only problem is that once again, the entire neighborhood is asleep. It's midnight! This is the only time I curse at my neighbor but I do not know what else to do. He explains he is "testing" the lawn mower. I don't think he understands my point. He seems to think I'm upset that he is cutting his lawn. The fact that he is making entirely too much noise never crosses his mind.

Miscellaneous Pictures
This is a picture of part of PB’s back yard. This is the part that connects our property. Check out the workmanship of his chain-link fence!

No words can say enough here. PB also likes to work on his car. Since this picture was taken, he poured the contents of the oil pan into a hole in his yard.

Labor Day Party
Fortunately for us, we were not home on Labor Day weekend. However, two of my other neighbors tell me that PB and friends had a knock-out-drag-out fist fight in the middle of the street. The time, of course, about 2:00AM. I can't tell you much about it except that the police showed up and got things under control. I presume somebody was on the Karaoke machine singing "Everybody was Kung Fu fighting" and things got out of hand after that.

Late night project
Just when you think PB will take a breather, things get going again. This time, it's about 11:00pm and he decides his carport is not complete. It's missing something – something other than a car. PB is putting together a pool table. It's positioned directly in the center of his carport - where else do you put a pool table, right? I have to point out that this happened long before the Drew Carry show so he didn’t get the idea from there. BTW – you can check out the rain gutters on that last picture.

Back to the story. Of course, he is hammering, dropping things, and just making a whole lot of noise. I decide to just open the window and "ask" PB to keep it down. Apparently, "keeping it down" is a relative term. The project continues.

To make a long story short, it's now 1:00am and the banging and hammering is still going on. I decide to call the police. Before the cops get here, one of PB’s friends decides it's not too late in the evening to race his car's engine and burn some rubber all the way up the street. It's just wholesome fun!

The policeman arrives and I explain the situation. I also tell him this time we ARE definitely going to court over this. He goes over to PB’s house and after about 15 minutes, motions me to come over. It becomes evident that the cop has mentioned somebody is going to jail because the entire household is out of the house frantically apologizing, and trying to shake my hand.

The cop explains that it is up to me to decide whether or not they get to spend a night downtown. I'm guessing that the PB crew is picturing some third-world-country type jail because they are quite frantic.

I tell them that "this time" I won't let the police take them to jail. However, the "next time" we have a problem, "some damn body" is going to jail. The police officer agrees and gives me his business card. He asks me to specifically request his presence the next time I need the police out here. He tells them he doesn't want to be back. They are still nodding, waving, and shaking hands.

Back Yard Accident?
Well, after many months of inactivity, PB surpasses his previous antics. I come home from work to the sight of a smoking back yard. It turns out that it was winter time and the grass was dried-up(dormant) – PB threw a lit cigarette out his back door and you can imagine the rest. Here are two pictures of the end-result. Luckily for us, the fire stayed far from our property. Unfortunately, the grass didn’t burn long enough to take the wooden structure down. The privacy fence you see in the pictures separates his yard from the property behind our houses. That fence was about two weeks old. Here are the pictures: (Picture one) (Picture two).

Hibachi Hell
After a long hiatus, PB comes back strong. One early morning (around 5:15am), I wake up to the sound of voices. Marcy is wide awake - peeking out of our bedroom miniblinds. She tells me there are a few fire department trucks outside. Apparently, a neighbor (from the apartment buildings behind our subdivision) was on his way to work (he's a soldier) and noticed a fire behind PB’s house. He jumped over the privacy fence, woke PB up, and called the fire department.

I proceeded to go out there to get the scoop on what had happened. It turns out that PB had left a Hibachi grill on top of his wooden picnic table. Unfortunately, the picnic table was sitting on top of his wooden deck. To make a long story short, the table and a big part of the deck went up in flames.

Of course, you want to see the pictures! Exhibit A Exhibit B Exhibit CCheck out the chain link fence around the deck. That's where the geese used to live.

Neighborhood thugs
In case you don't remember, long ago, PB had placed a basketball goal right outside our bedroom window. Unfortunately for PB, some neighborhood thugs put a couple bricks through the back-board. Unfortunately for me, the same bricks also took a chunk off the side of my house.

PB decides to move the basketball goal to the curb to be picked up by our city's waste disposal specialists (garbage men). Well, from the look of PB’s house, the garbage men aren't sure if it's really garbage so they never pick it up. The broken basketball goal sits by the curb for several months when PB decides to put it back on his driveway. He does not use it again. Here is a picture of the basketball goal. See the Christmas lights in the background? This picture was taken in the summer.

Home-grown fish?
I really don't know what to make of this one. PB has done stuff like this before. Again, like many of PB’s antics, this one has to do with his never-ending love for home-improvement. The premise is simple, the flower bed by the mailbox is missing something.... hmmmmmmmm, a fish tank of course! No fish, just some green water.

Latest Home Improvements
Since there are a few of these, I'll just bunch them together. The first in this array of home beautification efforts has to do with the old mailbox (the one made with 2x4's). PB decides to use the old stolen bricks and build a brick mailbox. It's really nice. However, he uses his old white plastic mailbox and leaves the flag attached to it instead of attaching a flag to the bricks (it makes the mailbox flag inoperable – it stays up). Of course, worried about mail fraud or perhaps the anthrax scare, PB protects his mail with a Jesus Christ statue on top of the mailbox. Check out the handy work.
Mailbox front Mailbox back Mailbox statue
Notice the realty sign by the mailbox. That's right - this beautiful, well-taken-care-of home could be all yours. PLEASE buy it. I beg you. (No the house has not sold).

Apparently the fish tank by the mailbox is not conducive to the preservation of carbon-based life forms. PB decides his next project will be a pond. Luckily for the neighborhood, he places the pond in his back yard. The actual construction of the pond is actually the best-looking project so far (it really is). However, PB had to add his personal touch to it and screwed everything up. PB decides to add a waterfall to the pond. He proceeds to remove a section of rain-gutters from the carport in order to get the waterfall effect. Here are the pictures. Pond 1 Pond 2

The next project is a weird one. PB wanted to plant some spices. Again, he could choose to use normal plant pots to grow these. Instead, he buys several of those blue, child-size swimming pools (you know, the round ones that are about a foot deep) and fills them up with top soil. The look really nice - especially sitting next to the smelly pond. Pools 1 Pools 2

This next project occurred long before the September 11 events. PB decides to put up an American flag in front of his house. I don’t mind that he’s putting up a flag. However, the PB School of Home Improvement (not yet an accredited learning institution) states that the flag pole needs to be taller than your house. Small aircraft, beware! Flag pole

More Flag pole
I have to admit that I'm impressed that PB has taken the time to replace the American flag with a new one since the old one was looking a little dirty. In this unprecedented set of pictures, we get to see PB's handy work as it happens!! I actually took these pictures while he did the work. The quality of the pictures is really bad because I had to take the pictures through the window screen and with the camera flash disabled. Otherwise, my cover would have been blown. Note that he uses his Chevy Suburban to stand on (rather than using a ladder) and that the flag is upside down!! PB is awesome. Of course, he figures out that the flag is upside down and fixes it. The pictures tell the story. Again, sorry about the poor picture quality.
Picture 1 Picture 2 Picture 3 Picture 4

You can imagine my relief when he decide to follow business pursuits in Lome, Togo!!

Anyway what, specifically do I need to do to claim his fantastic life savings and begin to recoup the equity I've lost due to PB's legacy?

Stunned at the prospect of yet another business contact in Tome, Logo,

Danito McLachenstein
CEO Freedom Alley Studios

P.S.: By The way, did you get the Declaration of Victory over Tome, Logo? Just curious, because it's like a legal document and everything, legitimate, and you being a Barrister and all I would think that it would have rocked the hut of legal ministries over there. Let me know how people are taking their tragic defeat. ;)

-DM

Five requests with regard to my eventual death

2005-10-11T01:27:00.000-05:00

1. If it happens that my death occurred in some public place, there is to be no ersatz memorial created on that location comprised of teddy bears, mylar balloons, or terrible poems written on posterboard in pink Magic Marker™. This is very, very important.
2. If you choose to have any kind of service “memorializing” me, there will be no use of the phrase “looking down on us.”
3. At no time is any outraged friend or family member to appear in public looking indignant and holding up a framed photograph of me.
4. If you refer to anything I’ve ever done as “brave,” “courageous,” or “special,” I will personally come back from the grave and shit angry ghost turds in your coffee pot.
5. If the resources exist and the weather is fine, I’d prefer to have my remains torn asunder by vicious dogs while “Tusk” is performed by an enthusiastic high school marching band.

Five Characters I've Brought to Life

2005-10-10T02:31:00.000-05:00

1. Panzer Frau: A widowed German WWII female killing machine (1995)
2. Briggy: Buckingham palace guard that lived in my closet (1973)
3. Pepe & Filippe: Twp spanish speaking wrenches that hated submarines (1997)
4. The Thing from the Frong: Undefined entity that has omniscience. (2003)
5. The Birthday People: Unkempt inbreds that came out of the woods and bogs to visit you on your birthday (2002)

Five favorite bands (9th grade)

2005-10-09T12:48:00.000-05:00

1. Iron Maiden
2. The Who
3. Black Sabbath
4. Rush
5. Def Leppard

Five places that make me nervous

2005-10-09T10:29:00.000-05:00

1. Customs
2. “Just stopping by this one guy’s house for a minute”
3. Bars where women sell shots in test tubes
4. Rooms containing teenagers
5. Anyplace people are praying

Declaration of victory over Tome, Logo & The Ivory Coast

2005-10-05T23:26:00.000-05:00

It has been too long since I have heard from my friends in Tome, Logo, West Africa, so I sent Barrister Ottis Charles my Declaration of Victory. Being the legal type that he is, I hope he knows what he can do with it.

CHILDREN of TOME, LOGO!!

As the last surviving Correspondant, I hereby claim victory over this Dynasty, with all the rights, privileges and responsibilities thereto appertaining.

After four days of sorrowful waiting, my soldiers once more tread the soil of your noble country. They are the pioneers in the great work of revenge. For them, what emotions it calls forth, and what pride!

To complete the work they have made the sacrifice of their lives. Danito unanimously urges them on, and in the folds of their flag are inscribed the magic words, "Right and Liberty."

Long live Ion Farmer.

Long live Spermy Joe.

General-in-Chief of the Dispatch Armies,

Danito!

Ion Farmer VS Ottis Charles AND Fred Kwarme

2005-09-30T08:30:00.000-05:00

Date: Fri, 30 Sep 2005 21:07:59 +1000 (EST)
From: "CHARLES OTTIS" barristerottis1@yahoo.com.au

Subject: I need this informations pls

Dear McLachenstein ,

I gone through your mail and i want to let you know that this not a child's play because the way you are handling it does not show any sign of seriousness.Please once again i will like you to provid to me all these informations so that we can forge ahead ,please it is important.

1.Your full name
2.Your contact and mailing address
3.Your private telephone and fax number
4.Your age
5.Your statue
6.Your proffesion
7.Scan copy of your international passport or driver's license

Thanks and remain bless

Sincerely

Barrister Fred Kwame.

Uh oh! Fred Kwame is on to me! I think he's playing good cop / bad cop on me! Luckily I'm dumb cop, so his Vulcan Jedi mind tricks do not work on me!

Dear Barrister Ottis Charles, Esquire / Barrister Fred Kwame, Not-Esquire,

I do not think that there is any child's play involved here, or horse play either, if you get my meaning, my international friend(s). I hope I don't sound stupid to you, since you write alot better than me!

Sorry I haven't called you, but I've been involved in living my life long dream. You ever hear of "Big Texas Monsters of Rodeo?" Yeah pardner, we gots a league in Pantalones Del Fuego, Texas, for "Big Texas Monsters of Rodeo" over here. We compete and call it "Tall Sky Rope Rodeo". We get a young buck, throw it in the rodeo, and throw ropes and barrels at it until it starts running around, then we try to jump on it from above. I almost lost an arm last year in the Cabeza de Oro championships! It's a dag-burned blast pardner! We herd a bunch of cattle into a ring, which has broken glass and nails all over it! Then we got to jump on all the cows backs and try to rope them! Me and my friend Spermy Joe got first and second place in the "Twist n' Tuck" competition last month! It was on ESPN 3! Did you see it? Then people in the audience throw liquor bottles at our heads! Then the lights go out and we gotta rope the cows in the dark! It's not illegal! Spermy Joe got the name when he was in the Tri-State Metro "Ranch House Swing Barnacle" competition against last year's winner, Cliffy B. I swear to GOD, that man cheats! He spread some kind of shit all over Spermy Joe's saddle, and when Spermy Joe went to put it on the clown's back, he couldn't stay on, so he fell off into the pit of tar. I don't think I need to tell ya he lost. We had to buy new hypodermic needles too, cause the clown got em all broken off in his eye.

I got a few concussions, and I sometimes pass out for a few seconds.

I paid for my wife with the money I earned from winning "The San Antonio Salad Toss" last year! The first one I bought gets a little, shrewish about it though. Cindy, the blonde, gets on my nerves when I go out drinkin'. See, I get all jumpy when I'm liquored up, I start hoppin' and rotating all over the place like a crazy nut after a few shots, and Cindy got mad at me for that. One day after I picked her up from the hospital, she was still mad because I got drunk and dropped plaster on her head. It was an accident though! Me and Spermy Joe were repainting the attic! So, after I threw the plaster at her, I pushed her into the cornfield and me and Spermy Joe tried to run her down with the tractor! I do that sometimes. She asks me to, because she's getting a little fat and needs to exercise. Me, I work out by practicing for next month's "Big Texas Monsters of Rodeo" on ESPN 7. I gotta work up my resistance to mule poison or else I'm gonna get my ass kicked during the "Tuscaloosa Fornication" event! Beth gets jealous sometimes. She says I spend too much time at work and working out and shit, beating on shit and stuff, and she's worried that

Whoops, sorry pardner, must've passed out for a sec there! Man, I sure feel like a jackhole!

In the meantime, I was able to dig up some of my old bank account statements and stuff. Keep in mind that I'm not good with bank stuff so this may not be what you're looking for, but perhaps this can help you in some way before I visit my bank tomorrow. Here's a copy of the information:

JAN 21 : 1019281 - 182.32726 sax 5th (scarf)
8836152-029172-8825141-8008135: west
1.e4 1...d5 2.exd5 1.Nf3 1...e5 2.Nxe5
us company of hair fetish videos - $281.73 - 3621923.28152 - 3009172 - 7791

Like I said, I'm not sure what all this means, but I'm hoping some of it is helpful to you. I'll get concrete information when I go to the bank tomorrow and get my phone service turned on (unless, of course, my sister in law escapes from the Basement Rocket and tries to drive my car into Deadman's Gulch like she did last time she ran out of painkillers and was convinced the color pink was trying to murder her mother). I'll call you from the bank and I'll ask them "Give me all the Tome, Logo information" and tell you all of it. Or would you like me to put one of the bank tellers on the phone so they can speak to you personally? I know one of the ladies there, she's really nice, you could lick syrup off her sweet ass, especially if you're barristers of the forbidden arts, Fred & Ottis.

Anyway, please get back to me as soon as you can to let me know if this will work for you. If I don't hear from you by Monday, I will assume you are dead.

- Danito McLachenstein
CEO of Freedom Alley Studios

I have no idea what those random numbers and gibberish in the middle means, except the third line is a whole bunch of lousy chess moves. As anybody with medical experience can see, I appear to have severe mental problems. Fortunately, I don't think they know what brains are or how to study them in Lome, Togo / Africa, because the Barrister Twins still seemed excited to do business with me.

Ion Farmer VS Tome-Logo and the Ivory Coast

2005-09-29T10:26:00.000-05:00

I'm starting to wonder about the professionalism and dedication to their ideology that these solicitors possess. Today, I received yet a third letter, from another Barrister in Tome, Logo. These guys should form a partnership. I still haven't received a response from Mrs. Nadia Guei and Barrister Charles Ottis has stopped writing me. Here's what I got today:

Date: Thu, 29 Sep 2005 06:14:28 -0700 (PDT)
From: "BARR_KAFI akuoma" barrister_kafi_akuoma1966@yahoo.com

Subject: GET BACK TO ME

FROM THE CHAMBER OF.
BARRISTER KAFI AKUOMA.
OFFICE 42 RUE DU BULLEVERD-LOME TOGO.
WEST-AFRICA.

Dear Danito McLachenstein,

I am Barrister Kafi Akuoma. , the Personal Attorney to a Foreign Contractor, who worked with a Multinational Oil Firm here in Lome-Togo republic .

On the 31st Oct. 2003 , my client, a national of your country , late Engr. B. J.McLachenstein, an oil Merchant / Contractor with the Federal Government of Togo , until his death few years ago, He died along with his entire family of a wife and two children in a ghastly Motor accident.

Since then I have made several inquiries to Several Embassies to locate any of my clients extended relatives, this has also proved nsuccessful. After these several unsuccessful attempts, That is why I decided to trace his relatives over the Internet, to locate any member of his family but of no avail, hence I contacted you. I have contacted you to assist me in repatriating the money left behind by my client before they get confiscated or declared unserviceable by the Bank where this huge deposits were lodged.

Particularly, the Bank where the deceased had an account valued at about US$10.5 Million has issued me a notice to provide the next of kin,relatives so that the fund left will be transferred or have the account confiscated within the next twenty one official working days.

Since I have been unsuccessful in locating the the relatives for over over 2 years now I seek your consent to present you as the next of kin to the deceased so that the proceeds of this account valued at US$10.5 Million can be paid to you and then you and I can share this money.

All I require is your honest and co-operation to enable us see this deal through. I guarantee that this will be executed under a legitimate arrangement that will protect you from any breach of the law. I will want you to send to me on your return email the following information for the transfer in your favour.

1, YOUR FULL NAME AND ADDRESS .
2, OCCUPATION AND POSITION .
3, DATE OF BIRTH .
4, PRIVATE TELEPHONE AND FAX NUMBER .

I await your kind response, Good day and God bless.

Regards,

Barrister Kafi Akuoma. (Esq.)

Now this is getting a little ridiculous. All i want is to help these guys out, but whoever is responsible must have a small attention span. I must mention that the only email sitting in this particular account has only come from these addresses over the past week. If they want my account information, all they have to do is ask.

Dear Cretins,

I have been an Tome, Logo customer since 23th September 2005, when I responded to your e-mail (electronic message) requesting financial mediation. During this five-day period I have encountered inadequacy of service which I had not previously considered possible, as well as ignorance and stupidity of monolithic proportions. Please allow me to provide specific details, so that you can either pursue your professional prerogative, and seek to rectify these difficulties - or more likely (I suspect) so that you can have some entertaining reading material as you while away the working day smoking cheap cigarettes and drinking vendor-coffee on the toilet in your office:

My initial correspondance was terminated without warning, resulting in placing a call to your personal number, and my spending an entire Saturday sitting on my fat arse waiting for your email (electronic message) to arrive. When it did not arrive, I spent a further 57 minutes listening to your infuriating hold music, and the even more annoying Scottish robot woman telling me to look at your helpful website....HOW?

I alleviated the boredom by playing with my testicles for a few minutes - an activity at which you are no-doubt both familiar and highly adept. The another email (electronic message) From Barrister Kafi, from Tome, Logo then came some four days later, although the sender did forget a number of vital details - such as a connection to the original letter, a different place of origin, his cerebrum, and the fact that I was in negotions with both Barrister Ottis Charles (from Tome, Logo) and Mrs. Nadia Guei (whose assets were in storage, in the most affluent place on Earth, Tome, Logo). One day later, my initial propasal had not been responded to. After 15 telephone calls over 4 days (are you sure you gave me the right number?)... I began to wonder is your were serious about making this perfectly legal transaction.

I have made 9 additional calls on my mobile to your no-help line, to contact you personally. And have been unhelpfully transferred to a variety of disinterested individuals, who are it seems also highly skilled testicle jugglers.

I have been informed the Barrister is available (and someone will call me back); that no Barrister is available (and someone will call me back); that I will be transferred to someone who knows whether or not a Barrister is available (and then been cut off); that I will be transferred to someone (and then been redirected to an answer machine informing me that your office is closed); that I will be transferred to someone and then been redirected to the irritating Scottish robot woman...and several other variations on this theme.

Doubtless you are no longer reading this letter, as you have at least a thousand other dissatisfied customers to ignore, and also another one of those crucially important testicle-moments to attend to. Frankly I don't care, it's far more satisfying as a customer to voice my frustrations in print than to shout them at your unending hold music. Forgive me, therefore, if I continue.

I thought credit card scammers were shit, that they had attained the holy piss-pot of god-awful customer relations, that no-one, anywhere, ever, could be more disinterested, less helpful or more obstructive to delivering service to their customers. That's why I chose Barristers Charles, Kafi and former Ivory Coast First Lady Guei, and because, well, there isn't anyone else is there? How surprised I therefore was, when I discovered to my considerable dissatisfaction and disappointment what a useless shower of bastards you truly are. You are sputum-filled pieces of distended rectum incompetents of the highest order.

Credit card scammers - wankers though they are - shine like brilliant beacons of success, in the filthy puss-filled mire of your seemingly limitless inadequacy. Suffice to say that I have now given up on my futile and foolhardy quest to receive any kind of service from you. I suggest that you cease any potential future attempts to contact me for the services which you have so pointedly and catastrophically failed to deliver - any such activity will be greeted initially with hilarity and disbelief quickly be replaced by derision, and even perhaps bemused rage.

I have also mailed you copies of this letter to the addreses you have provided. I enclosed two small deposits, selected with great care from my cats litter tray, as an expression of my utter and complete contempt for both you and your pointless company. I sincerely hope that they have not become desiccated during transit - they were satisfyingly moist at the time of mailing, and I would feel considerable disappointment if you did not experience both their rich aroma and delicate texture. Consider them the very embodiment of my feelings towards Lome, Togo, and its worthless population.

Have a nice day - may it be the last in you miserable short life, you irritatingly incompetent and infuriatingly unhelpful bunch of twats.

With Warmest Regards,

Danito McLachenstein
CEO Freedom Alley Studios

Ion Farmer VS the wife of the former president of Coted’Ivore

2005-09-28T20:26:00.000-05:00

I can't believe how lucky I was to get yet another letter from a completely independent source.

Date: Thu, 29 Sep 2005 01:05:21 +0100 (BST)
From: "nadia guei" (mrsnadiaguei@yahoo.co.uk)
Subject: PLEASE REPLY ME IMMEDIATELY .......

Dear Danito McLachenstein,

I know this message must have come to you as a surprise package.In brief, my name is Mrs .NADIA GUEI the wife of the former president of CotedÂIvore Robert Guei. However,both my husband is dead and my children including I,has been sent to exile by the combined military force team from the West African sub-region (Ecomog) with some ivorean militries right now we are not comfortable Imagine us under going all this stress because of power, Please I call for your immediate assistant I am a widow even (CNN )cover the news about the death of my late husband Late Robert Guei.pls you can view the

website:http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/africa/2269238.stm

Before we left to exile my husband been the bread winner of the family he for seen what will happen withtime, he now used his power while on Government to moved.Some trunk boxes contained ($52,000.000.00 million U.S.D.) cash deposited it with a security company in lome Togo as a famaily valueiable Items for security reason. Now we need your assistance to move this money to any country of your choice abroad. all along we are waiting so that every Issue of my husand must have cool down and forgotten a little before we will proceed on this transaction.When the funds are properly secured,

we will joint invest yielding stock and business on Your advice your compensation for your immediate assistance is 25% of the cash, 5% for expenses, 70% for my family your urgent reply indicating your interest will help me in no small measure to stop further contact, all other details will be made know to you and more importantly you have to treat this transaction as very confidential as the hope of my entire families survivals is placed on this boxesThanks for your good understanding We wait for your immediate correspondence please attach your private Telephone and Fax numbers, This is a risk free transactions.

Best Regards,
Mrs.Nadia Guei

Hoooooo. . .boy. Here we go. . . .

Dear Mrs. Nadia Guei-

You are indeed right when you imply that this message is a "surprise package" (heh, heh, heh), but you can rest soundly, because I know what a "surprise package" can mean to a lonely widow. You are in great luck that you have contacted me of all people, my little SchweinefleischplÃ¤tzchen!

You stated that you have taken "trunk boxes contained ($52,000.000.00 million U.S.D.) cash deposited it with a security company in lome Togo". I can put you in touch with my man in Lome, Togo. There is a barrister that I know well in Tome, Logo. His name is Ottis Charles, Esquire, and he happens to be one of the best damn lawyers this world has ever produced. I think that he has a contract that requires the Devil to forfeit his sole to Esquire Charles, because a slivetongueded bastard, that's what he is, Ma'am. Remember, he didn't go to 15 years of Esquire school to be called Mister!

I am currently involved in a MAJOR deal with Esquire Charles, (that will make us both fabulously wealthy beyond, well it will be beyond anything that I can think of). Unfortunately, I have not been able to call Esquire Charles. My sister in law has been using my phone and she used up all our minutes this month, so I have to get a new phone and car. I swear, the lady is driving me crazy. I was hoping our mobile phone company, L. Vlassic JunglePhono, would reactivate my account with a new phone number this weekend, but either they are out of the office or something. I apologize, but my sister in law spends all day on the phone and she stole all of my minutes and my eyesight with her crazy shenanigans, so we had to cut off her phone number and put her back into the Basement Rocket, which is what we call the storage closet in the basement that the air vent goes into and makes all these crazy noises nonstop and belches coal dust all over the place.

Regardless, I am very sorry for not contacting him. Once I go to L. Vlassic JunglePhono on Thursday and get my new phone number created, I will call him on it and give him my bank information. There's this guy, William Ralston, and he's on me like a backpack to make a decision about that deal I got going. Like I said, I would've done so earlier, but my stupid sister in law completely demolished my phone with her face and now I just have to wait to get a new number. Sometimes it's really hard living in a house with your wife, nine kids, her parents, her sister, and your brother and his two kids and their grandparents and their grandparents' daughters. It's like a madhouse in here, lots of arguing, fisticuffs, entrenchment in forbidden drama, and all that crazy family stuff. It's enough to make me insane! But I'm not insane and I think all the puppets know this.

I think that you are in an unique position Mrs Guei, as US$52,000,000,000,000.00 is a reasonable downpayment to get in on the ground floor of an arrangement that Esquire Charles and myself have in the works. Have you ever been exposed to the lastest emergency technology that the World Wide Web ("WWW" for short, but dont let my sophisticated jargon distract you)has to offer? I am speaking, of course, of the WTC Memorial Rooftop Parachute Kits. Although, your immediate family has snuffed it in quite a dramatic and eccentric manner, I will assume that you still have loved ones that you care about. The combined military force team from the West African sub-region (Ecomog)is still out there, Mrs. Guei, and they could be beating the bushes right now for you or other members of your family. I can think of no better protection for the ones you love, and it would be monument to your devotion as a former mother and wife. The WTC Memorial Rooftop Parachute Kits can not only save you from terrorists, but was designed specifically for the harried housewife and her busy work-a-day chores, whether it be selecting the proper pate for the next Social Ball (and, hot damn talmale, Ahab, how I long for more Balls!) or fleeing panic-stricken from blood-thirsty guerrillas who are toppling some puppet power structure.

Anyways, here that contact information for that attorney:

Barrister OTTIS CHARLES
Royal House Chambers
Solicitors & Advocates
Block 2, Flat 5, Rue du Boulevard,
PB 491,Lome-Togo,
West-Africa.

Hopefully, I will be hearing from him soon in regards to our transaction, and if you need further assistance I would be glad to offer some. If I don't hear from either of you I will assume that you both have perished in an auto accident and will await further instructions regarding your assets.

-Danito McLachenstein
CEO of Freedom Alley Studios

This stuff is just too good.

Ion Farmer VS The Greed of Ottis Charles Esq.

2005-09-28T09:14:00.000-05:00

Well, it looks like maybe I have gone too far with Barrister Charles Esquire. I have not received an reply from him and that bothers me. Mostly because not only have I lost a financial opportunity, I dare day that I have also lost a damn good attorney. I was hoping that he could represent me in a important case I have coming up concerning how fast the State of Massachusetts thinks I should drive a vehicle, and how fast I think I should drive a vehicle. In an attempt to spend more quality time together, I proposed a counter offer to Barrister Ottis Esquire today. I'm hoping that he can see the wisdom in the decision before him.

My Dear Charles Ottis Esquire,

I have important news for you, my level headed friend!

Monday, I had become aware of a cable that was sent to me: A diamond mine has been discovered in the American West! The cable came from a reliable source - William Ralston, owner of the bank of California. At first I was skeptical, and I showed the cable to a fellow financial guru, Ellington "Rad Boy" Rothschild (who for some reason hasn't been able to have the members of our social club update his nickname since the 80's), and said that this must be a joke. Rad Boy said, "Don't be too sure about that. America is a very large country. It has furnished the world with many surprises already. Perhaps it has others in store." Upon hearing that, I immediately booked passage to San Francisco.

I arrived early yesterday morning, and let me tell you, there is an excitement in the air here that hasn't been felt since the Gold Rush days of the late 1840's. Mr. Ralston showed me a video of two fairly crusty prospectors named Phillip Arnold and John Slack. They are the ones who found the diamond mine at a location in Wyoming, which they will not disclose. They had blind-folded a highly respected mining expert, and drove a circular route for several hours to take him to the mine. Fortunately, there was no video of this surely monotonous footage! What the video did show was this expert watching as the miners dug up the diamonds, the expert taking the gems to various jewelers in San Francisco, one of whom had estimated their worth at US$15,000,000.

Mr. Ralston and I asked Arnold and Slack to accompany Us back to New York, where the jeweler, Charles Tiffany III will verify the original estimates. The prospectors were uneasy about this and have brought up good points: How can they trust us? What is Tiffany and the fellow financiers steal the whole mine from under them? So Ralston made a proposal, He would give them US$1,000,000 now and put another US$3,000,000 in an escrow account. If the deal went through they would be paid an additional US$3,000,000. The miners agreed.

This morning in New York, we held a meeting at the mansion of Samuel L. Barlow. In attendance were General George Brinton McClellan, General Benjamin Butler, the editor of one of the New York papers, Horace Greeley, Mr. Ralston, Mr. Tiffany III, and myself. Slack and Arnold were not in attendance, as tourists in New York, they decided to go sight-seeing.

Tiffany III announced that the gems were real and worth a fortune, and let me tell you, myself and the other financiers almost pooped, just a little bit. I e-mailed (electronic message) Rad Boy and let him know the good news and to see if he wanted in on the investment. But now I have second thoughts.

Here is my proposal: You have access to US$7,500,000. I have a US bank account. Do you think that there is a way that we could broker a deal to buy out the prospectors at US$7,500,000 which is just a hair more that the money that they have waiting in escrow? Tiffany is sending his own mining experts and their team out to the site in Wyoming to verify its authenticity, and we should have word within a short time as to the legitimacy of this site. If we could act quickly, we could steal the deal and reap an investment many, many times more than the comparably small investment.

Please let me know your thought concerning this manner, in as timely a manner as possible.

Estne volumen in toga, an solum tibi libet me videre,

Danito McLachenstein
CEO Freedom Alley Studios

Yeah, I know that everyone in this letter, except myself, has been dead for almost a century, but I'm hoping that Tome, Logo, West Africa doesn't have a curriculum that is heavy on American History Studies.

Ion Farmer VS Tome, Logo West Africa / Austrailia

2005-09-27T08:45:00.000-05:00

You know, what surprises me about the legal profession is the kindness, humanity, warmth, and patience that continue to be bestowed upon obvious basket cases like myself. Young pre-law and barrister wanna-be's, take note: You would be wise to travel to Lome, Togo, West Africa / Austrailia and tutor under Barrister Ottis Charles, Esq.

Let me have answers this questions.and try to call me if you mean business.i do not need your money

1.Your full name
2.Your contact and mailing address
3.Your private telephone and fax number
4.Your age
5.Your statue
6.Your proffesion
7.Scan copy of your international passport or driver's license

Regards

Ottis C. ESQ

Although brisk and to the point I had to explain myself a little. I'm just trying to help this man out. I like to help. I'm a helpful guy. Just like helpin'.

Esqire Charles-

Thank you for your prompt reply. Sorry it took me over a day to respond (as those precious children from "Full House" would say, "how rude! You are a horrible Chinaman!"), but we've been getting a lot of business lately and it's hard to keep up. We recently started selling "WTC Memorial Rooftop Parachute Kits" which are home protection packages to allow people to parachute from the roof of their house when terrorists pilot their planes into them. With this recent skirmish in Iraq and the whole North Korea thing, the sales of WTC Memorial Rooftop Parachute Kits are going very strong and we're pulling in a lot of money from them. The secret lies in the fact that the actual parachute is just a nylon blanket with knitting yarn attached to a Korn backpack! Don't tell anybody though, as I want the money to keep rolling in :-P~~~~~~~

By the way, that :-P~~~~~ thing was a silly smile, it's used on the Inter-net to denote silly smiles, sorry if it confused you, I know you West Africans aren't experts with it comes to those things.

Anyway back onto business: I am interested in sending you all of my bank information as soon as possible, but I don't know what information you need. I went up to my bank Monday and said "Give me all the information for Tome-Logo" but they weren't able to help me out so I had to come home and somehow my socks caught fire on the way back (but that's a different story). What I need you to tell me is exactly what information I need to ask for so I can get this process started and find myself on the vaginal trail to money and success. Also I noticed your e-mail (electronic message) address ( barristerottis1@yahoo.com.au ) was in Austrailia. Will this affect our transaction to Tome-Logo?

Please write back at your earliest convenience. My bank does not open until 8:30 am on Wednesday, so I would appreciate it if you could contact me before then. I will be able to get to the bank around 1:30 PM because my two kids are coming into town and I have to turn off all the lights and act like I'm not here so they don't start demanding child support or whatever insane things their harpy mother is hammering into their heads. Also I think the postman is spying on me.

Thank you very much,

Danito McLachenstein
CEO of Freedom Alley Studios

Ion Farmer VS Nigeria

2005-09-26T10:13:00.000-05:00

I recieved an email over the weekend and I could repress my desire to screw around with this guy. The e-mail is as follows:

Royal House Chambers
Solicitors & Advocates
Block 2, Flat 5, Rue du Boulevard,
PB 491,Lome-Togo,
West-Africa.

Dear McLachenstein,

I am Barrister Charles Ottis, a legal practitioner, I am the personal attorney to Mr.J.McLachenstein, a national Of your country, who used to work with Shell Development Company in Lome Togo. He used to be my client my client.

On the 11th of June 2001, my client, his wife and their only daughter were involved in a car accident along Nouvissi express Road. All occupants of the vehicle unfortunately lost their lives. Since then I have made several enquiries to your embassy here to locate any of my clients extended relatives, this has also proved unsuccessful.

After these several unsuccessful attempts, I decided to track his last name over the Internet, to locate any member of his family hence I contacted you.I have contacted you to assist in repartrating the fund valued at US$7.5 million left behind by my client before it gets confisicated or declared unserviceable by the Finance Firm where this huge amount were deposited. The said Finance Company has issued me a notice to provide the next of kin or have his account confisicated within the next twenty one official working days.

Since I have been unsuccesfull in locating the relatives for over two years now, I seek the consent to present you as the next of kin to the deceased since you have the same last names, so that the proceeds of this account can be paid to you.

Therefore, on receipt of your positive response, we shall then discuss the sharing ratio and modalities for transfer.I have all necessary information and legal documents needed to back you up for claim. All I require from you is your honest cooperation to enable us see this transaction through. I guarantee that this will be executed under legitimate arrangement that will protect you from any breach of the law.

Best Regards,
Charles Ottis Esq.
Lome Togo.

This sounded too good to be true, but having the nature of a venture capitalist I had to reply:

Dear CHARLES OTTIS,

Thank you VERY much for your email. This sounds like an incredible investment opportunity! However, I must ask you to please reassure me this is not a scam. Recently I received an e-mail (electronic message) from somebody claiming to be the King of Assylvania, which he said was a small island off the coast of Port Togaf. He said that, due to economic problems in his country, he needed to deposit approximately $190 million in my checking account so it wouldn't be seized by the coup about to take place and topple his government and church / missile silo. I promptly sent him my checking information and a downpayment to help with the transfer of the money, and he replied shortly after, claiming he needed more money to prepare the money and send it over. I sent a few more checks and waited for a reply, but then my email client crashed and I was never able to get in contact with him. All in all, I lost about $4,000 through him, but I at least sleep better at nights knowing that I helped King Jephque escape the economic hardships that Assylvania was experiencing during The Irritable Mango Wars of 2002. I'm still waiting for him to contact me again, and I assume it's only a matter of time.

I am sorry to hear that you are in a similar problem, but I am more than willing to help. Since you are CHARLES OTTIS, a barrister associated with the Shell Development Company, in Lome Togo, I assume you know your financial ins and outs, and I trust your judgment. Plus the idea of a big fat check for $48 million just sounds fabulous! I can't believe I was lucky enough to be chosen for this deal! Praise Allah you contacted me!

Please inform me as to what I need to do next to claim this impressive amount of money. I can fly down to Lome Togo, if you wish, as my parents own a small airline chartering service which has provided transport for such famous celebrities as Rutger Hauer, Paul Williams, Charles Nelson Riley, and the guy who played Hannibal's stunt double on "The A-Team." I have no problem lending you the money needed to help you out and make the big bucks for this. Ever since I refused to buy stock in EMC when it was at 80, my parents have been mocking me for my poor business sense. After I get that check for $52 million in my account, we'll see who's laughing then! It will be me! Laughing at them! Because I'll have enough money to kill them off like nine times each.

As I mentioned above, please write back as soon as you can and let me know what I need to do to claim this $58 million reward. You seem like a very honest and trustworthy guy like my partner Sam Jain, so I'm open for any suggestions you may have. Please respond quickly, as I can't wait to get the ball rolling! And oh god how I love balls!

Good luck, and may the God Beearthur shine upon you, my dear friend,

- Danito McLachenstein
CEO of Freedom Alley Studios

It was only 24 hours later that I recieved my a response, and I knew I had something solid in the works:

Dear Danito McLachenstein,
Thanks for your mail and readiness to assist me in this transaction, like i told you ealier,this transaction is real,legitmate and legal.100% risk free, all you need to do, is to follow my instruction.
I am happy that you are ready to come here, as we proceed we shall arrange for your arrival here in lome Togo to see things for yourself.

Once more, i assure you that this is not a SCAM. you are not going to brige any law,niether for your country or mine,this transaction will be under legitmate ground and nothing will be of a lost to you.
Although your past experence,am sorry for what ever you went through.

Do not forget, i dont have a similar problem with your last contact.i am a lawyer here in lome Togo and my client the owner of the funds died in a motor accident,and now you have the same last name with him,that is why i want us to work as a partner to see that the funds is repaturate to you in your country as the next of kin, then later we share the proceeds.

I will like you to forward the following datas to me,as we proceed.
1.Your full name
2.Your contact and mailing address
3.Your private telephone and fax number
4.Your age
5.Your statue
6.Your proffesion
7.Scan copy of your international passport or driver's license

As soon as i have this data, i will proceed to send to you the next line of action, pls inidcate if you will like us to meet before the commenement of this transaction, or at the transfering point of this transaction?

I will like you to call me on my private telephone as soon as you get this mail.
+2289294354
Regards
Ottis. Charles ESQ

This is GREAT!! I fired off a witty repartee this morning:

Dear Mr. Esquire Ottis. Charles

Thank you very much for your prompt reply. I did not know you were an Esquire! This just reaffirms my belief that you are a fine upstanding citizen whom I can trust implicitly, just like my brother Thomas who is an Esquire. He recently won over $500,000 at the racetrack after betting on the horse "Mama's Leaky Cyst", and if Thomas can make this kind of money by being an Esquire who specializes in footbone replacement radar technologies, I know I can trust you to do the same!

You mentioned "you are not going to brige any law" and I cannot agree with you more. I feel invisible hands all over me right now, Esquire Ottis. Charles, and they're pushing me to help you out. If I didn't feel like I had Jesus in the brain right now, I might be more cautious, but I feel you are a trustworthy individual whom I can try to help out for this experience of a lifetime.
I understand that the transfer of all that money will cost a piggy penny, as I've seen how they transport money to the Nike Shoe Deposit at the outlet mall where I live on the I-95, and I bet it costs money to operate those armored trucks and pay the guys who drive them and carry the large bags of money. I also know how much lawyers cost, because when I fell out of the tree at Fenway Park I needed to get a lawyer and settle out of court with the bird trainer who was clearly at fault. I know how expensive these things are, so just tell me what amount of money I need to send and I'll start withdrawing it from my "Rainy Day Christmas" fund so we can get the proverbial "ball" rolling, Esquire Ottis. Oh sweet Christ, let's get balls rolling.

Thank you very much for offering me the coordinates all through to your house, but that won't be necessary. My parents airline chartering service isn't working this week, so I can't come visit you until either next week or later, depending on if I can find somebody to look over my emu farm. It's hard to find good animal workers where I live, so it might take me some time to physically meet up with you. In the meantime, could you please send me a preliminary estimation of how much money you'll need to get this plan started? As I said before, I've got more than enough "mad money" saved up from the time I sold all those Harry Potter snuff porn books on eBay.

I feel more than ever that the invisible hands of providence in my affairs are gently gliding me to do business with you and your glory hole. Please write back at once and let me know what to do next.

Thank you kindly,

- Danito McLachenstein
CEO of Freedom Alley Studios

What will my fortunes hold? How can I not afford to find out? Hopefully, there will be more financial shenanigans this week!

Dissatisfaction & New Games

2005-09-26T09:03:00.000-05:00

Well, the weekend came and went, and it left me feeling the need to make some minor changes in my life. I'm excited a little bit about that. Dissatisfaction is one of my favorite emotions, not as gratifying as "righteous indignation", but I guess that's why it's called dissatisfaction. Not being satisfied is cool, because it makes you see the reality of your life and what you can do to make it better. It's those little distinctions in the everyday unimportant decisions that are made that guide you in your overall direction in life, and like everybody else, I've got some that are taking me in a direction I don't want to go.

When I look back on my last six months, and the changes that I have already made in my life, I find it amazing on a personal level, and there is no reason that I cannot continue to strive for a higher quality life. Focus is a funny thing, because it allows you to penetrate barriers that would otherwise stop you. Life is such a mental game, wherein your attitude and the way that you perceive situations alter your reality. It's like magic, and the real power of magic is its ability to alter the present. Now stop screwing around and get back to work!

Speaking of screwing around, I added a bunch of games to My Website including the Atari classic, Adventure, and some 80's arcade games. There's also some Kewlbox games with the power player codes available. Enjoy!

Pictures of the Wedding

2005-09-20T11:53:00.000-05:00

Well, the wedding photos are coming in from friends and family and we are scrabbling to get them organized and edited so that we can share them. I've posted some wedding pictures so that they can be viewed. CLICK HERE! I am using a picture service associated with yahoo called FLICKR which has a program to upload large batches of pictures. Well see how it holds up to the massive amount of images I have in store.

Arrrrrgh!

2005-09-19T10:01:00.000-05:00

Avast, dear Mateys! I be secretly weaving a hornpipe of satisfication. Tis International Talk Like A Pirate Day and there be bilgerats and lubbers awash with ignorance. You'ld be well advised to sound your lingo smartly. Arrrrrgh! If you are doing nothing, mumbling "tomyhoood ay" under your breath will make look like a nifty german pirate.

Top Ten Pickup lines for use on International Talk Like a Pirate Day

10. Avast, me proud beauty! Wanna know why my Roger is so Jolly?
9. Have ya ever met a man with a real yardarm?
8. Come on up and see me urchins.
7. Yes, that is a hornpipe in my pocket and I am happy to see you.
6. I'd love to drop anchor in your lagoon.
5. Pardon me, but would ya mind if fired me cannon through your porthole?
4. How'd you like to scrape the barnacles off of me rudder?
3. Ya know, darlin’, I’m 97 percent chum free.
2. Well blow me down?

And the number one pickup line for use on International Talk Like a Pirate Day is …

1. Prepare to be boarded.

Bonus pickup lines (when the ones above don't work, as they often won't)

They don’t call me Long John because my head is so big.
You’re drinking a Salty Dog? How’d you like to try the real thing?
Wanna shiver me timbers?
Arrrgh, bend over and I'll bury me treasure.
I’ve sailed the seven seas, and you’re the sleekest schooner I’ve ever sighted.
Brwaack! Polly want a cracker? … Oh, wait. That’s for Talk Like a PARROT Day.
That’s the finest pirate booty I’ve ever laid eyes on.
Let's get together and haul some keel.
That’s some treasure chest you’ve got there.

Top Ten Pickup Lines for the Lady Pirates
By popular demand ...

10. What are YOU doing here?
9. Is that a belayin' pin in yer britches, or are ye ... (this one is never completed)
8. Come show me how ye bury yer treasure, lad!
7. So, tell me, why do they call ye, "Cap'n Feathersword?"
6. That's quite a cutlass ye got thar, what ye need is a good scabbard!
5. Aye, I guarantee ye, I've had a twenty percent decrease in me "lice ratio!"
4. I've crushed seventeen men's skulls between me thighs!
3. C'mon, lad, shiver me timbers!
2. RAMMING SPEED!

...and the number one Female Pirate Pick-up Line:
1. You. Pants Off. Now!

Now, there Ye be. Stick to the Code.

Five Points Wharf

2005-09-10T14:44:00.000-05:00

We took a walk this morning, then later we'll go Georgetown pottery.

The View From The Back Porch

2005-09-10T14:39:00.000-05:00

After a good long walk, it feels so good to sit in the rocker on the back porch.

My business is on the rise.

2005-09-09T13:20:00.000-05:00

We're lazing about today, just coming back from a linch of clams and scallops at Mama D's. We learned along the way that most of the other guests were in the medical field. This morning the conversation shifted as to what I did. I wanted to fit in to, so I told them that I designed penile implant balloons. I think that they were on to me when I told them that they were highly customizable, and you could work them just like ballon animals.

The Dog, Marley

2005-09-09T08:22:00.000-05:00

Since we've been here we've adopted this pup as our own. It's not as eventful as it may sound though, as he is mostly into sunning himself on the porch and napping in the shrubbery. He is named after the Jamaican mucisian.

The Captain Crunch

2005-09-08T16:52:00.000-05:00

Brother, let me tell you, I seen a macho thing or two in my time. Just knowing Charlie Cavendish and the Neff brothers will entitle you to that, but this blue boat in the middle out machos most. There is a crows nest about 25 feet off the water that includea the helm and throttles. Hell, yeah! I'd like to take that out for a little yee-haw riding. She's called the "Captain Crunch".

General Store

2005-09-08T15:13:00.000-05:00

The Georgetown General Store is where we stocked up on gear for our beach outing today. A genuine general store is so hard to find, but takes me back when I do.

Candid Snapshots of Our Nuptials

2005-09-07T22:13:00.000-05:00

This is a picture that my mother snapped of the ceremony. That's the USS Constitution in the background.

Maine

2005-09-07T21:04:00.000-05:00

Hey Everybody,
?
?We're having a great time up here. The Coveside Bed and Breakfast is a great retreat. Everything here is simple and there is lobster galore. It really is an amazing area, and since it is the off-season, it's like it is our personal coastal town. If you plan to get married, do yourself a favor and have a honeymoon right away. You deserve it, you'll need it, and you'll never fathom how you could have done without it!
?
?By the way, I'm updating my blog (http://www.ionfarmer.blogspot.com) with my HP6315 and a weak cellular signal. I plan to have more blog pics posted as long as the signal holds out!

Hanging At The Beach (pt. 2)

2005-09-07T13:11:00.000-05:00

The older lady I met up here told me that this was her temple. Then she told me she was from Ohio, and suddenly what she was saying was all so clear.

Hangin' At The Beach (pt. 1)

2005-09-07T13:06:00.000-05:00

Abby and I hit the beach this morning. September is a great time to be here, everything is pretty vacant and it's still warm enough to enjoy.

Five Points Wharf

2005-09-06T10:33:00.000-05:00

I could and probably will walk around here all day.

I am honeymooning in Maine. . .

2005-09-06T10:20:00.000-05:00

This is the Coveside B & B, where Abby and I are spending the Honeymoon.

Corporate Grays

2005-08-04T09:37:00.000-05:00

cor·po·ra·tion (kôr'pe-rā'shen)n. A legal entity from its genesis with unprecedented legal protection stemming from creative interpretation of the 14th amendment, that is from its origins as an institution chartered by governments to carry out specific public functions, to the rise of the vast modern institutions entitled to the legal rights of a "person."

I had an idea last night. I was watching television and surfing the endless channels when a "UFO coverup" special appeared. I liked the UFO myths, when I was young. There was nothing better than scanning the skies and thinking that you may have sighted something from another world when I was 7 years old. I was thinking about that the other day and wondered just what it was that killed my fascination with the whole idea. I mean UFO stories scared me and excited me when I was young, like a good ghost story, but I lost interest in UFO's. I still appreciate a creative ghost story. I thought about it and then realized that I lost interest in UFO's about the same time that abduction stories became a trend. And when I thought about it a little more, I realized that the exact moment I lost interest was when it became corroborated that the sole reason these aliens were abducting people was to give them an anal probe. It kind of killed the story for me. Why would aliens do that?

Day 47342 -Ship's Entry- I have traveled several parsecs with my crew. Needless to say after many endless years on duty, the crews spirit is crushed. Today, we have come in contact with the recreation planet, Earth. As is tradition, we have abducted a few human specimens. After performing our doctor/scientist pantomime and doing several very intense "mind reading" gags, we subjected them to what they refer to as "The Probe". They make that face every time. Priceless. After several stops, the crews morale was on an upswing. We have continued onward with the mission.

So, back to my idea, I started thinking about the "grays" and what kind of mind would come up with that. I think that in the ancient days, these people would not be deluded or mentally ill, but would be the subjects of visions. It's just that no one has asked why so many have been having these experiences. Most have assumed that it is for some kind of publicity or attention, but I really think that it is an allegory for the corporation.

Because the corporation is a relatively new social institution and really does not have a well defined existence in terms of personal meaning, these stories, chiefly created by those with a high suggestibility of absorption, I think these stories are a social commentary, and a way to define what exactly a corporation represents to most people.

Think about these similarities: Dispassionate, faceless, alien, psychopathic in some cases, appear and disappear in silent grandeur, seen as monsters, highly technically evolved, covered up by the government, not accountable for their actions, able to do what they please, anonymous. I could draw more, but you get the picture.

Hearing Jimi

2005-08-04T08:48:00.000-05:00

Jimi Hendrix has been a staple in my ideas about music since my first musical memory. I remember being about three years old and riding in the back of my fathers red convertabile Oldsmobile with the top down. The radio was on and I heard the phrase "The traffic lights turn blue tomorrow" and was wondering how? I never did get a satisfactory answer from my follow up interrogations to my Dad, but I did learn that it was Hendrix who sang it and I wanted to find out more. I bought my first Hendrix LP (In From The Storm) at a Garage sale for a quarter when I was 7. I've listened to everything since then including a nice 27 Minute Jam with John McLaughlin.

The Smoking Gun found Jimi's millitary records. I have read a lot about the man and a central lie that is always retold is that he was kicked out of the 101st Airborne after he wracked his back after a jump. It turns out that it wasn't his back that he was wracking.

This series of reports contains my favorite statement about the man and where authority and structured institutional life rated in his hieracrchy:

Pvt. Hendrix plays a musical instrument in a band off duty and has let this interfere with is military duties in so much as missing bed check and not getting enough sleep. He has no interest whatsoever in the Army

Shocking!

Gene K's Song of the Month

2005-08-03T10:17:00.000-05:00

My Baby Don't Wear No Panties by Mean Gene Kelton and the Die Hards

Back to Freedom Alley Studios

2005-08-03T09:49:00.000-05:00

Howdy Doodies!! I updated my WEBSITE today for the first time in months. Really, all I did was to prune the dead links. I have to come up with some changes for it though, it's a little confusing because it started as an experiment to see if I could make a halfway decent site and grew into some experimental mumbo jumbo. The main purpose it started out with was a repository for the acoustic music I recorded of Summersville, WV muscians so that they could have a place to always find their music. After my intial successes, it got weird. Anyway, I want to change the overall layout and the way it looks. My apologies if I lose some account information, which has been the biggest thing keeping me from doing to transition in the first place. I think that I can keep the database intact, but I guess we'll see. Lately the Binary Gods have had me on their "Smite" list. Keep the faith, Chief!

A new sketch & Beer vs Bikes

2005-07-28T12:01:00.000-05:00

My lady's friend came for a visit all last week and we had a great time. As you can guess, I stayed busy, but I did write some new sketches of songs. Won't be long before I have enough material to work something out. Volcano Hill is a rough one, but I like the overall feel of it. I'll polish it up a little later. I have a couple of other things I've worked on, but I haven't decided whether to add the cheesy drums to them or not.

I had a new friend that wrecked his motorcycle last Tuesday night. I talked to him about it and all just before it happened, but if you're drinking, a motorcycle is the last thing you need to be on. Throw in the accident upgrades like, just had the thing for a week, bald tires, a customized reverse gearbox, jeans and a t-shirt, 900 cc engine, and you can see where beer is going to take you on this bike. He was lucky though, he only spent a few seconds on the pavement at 65 MPH, and slid into the grass. The bike though, did a ghost ride throughout the rest of the guardrail and is totaled. My friend thought he was dead as he left the bike. He's a lucky man and survives with a hurt back and some road rash to remind him of a lesson well learned.

The Moonshiner

2005-07-18T08:39:00.000-05:00

I've been a moonshiner
For many a year
And I've spent all me money
On whiskey and beer.
Oh how I love Shinin'
And how I love Shine
It's breath is as sweet
As Dew on the vine.

With recipe and diagrams!

Quarters

2005-07-15T09:18:00.000-05:00

Quarters is without a doubt my favorite classic drinking game. Some of us have perfected certain techniques, like rolling the quarter off our noses, but that's weak sauce compared to this guy. As much as I want to make the obligatory "too much time" comment, this guy owns at a drinking game, so you know he's gotta be fun at a party.

Second Shift and Soviet Steel Strings

2005-07-12T10:00:00.000-05:00

Hey Everybody! I started second shift last night at the Ion Farm. For the moment, I love it. There's something about second shift, where you get to feel the business concern fade as the night goes on. There's a lot of noise that occurs during the day. I read somewhere that as many as 20% of the people that you encounter in a day may be mentally ill. It makes sense that the mentally ill would be trying to fit into society with a 9-5 "normal" time slot. Anyway, there's other things that draw me to the second shift. My first job as a strapping young lad was working on the Banquet staff at a hotel at the Cleveland Hopkins Airport. I worked after high school, 4PM - Midnight. Hell, I even got to set up for my own Prom. Yay! At least I didn't have to work it. My first and favorite associations with second shift is the sunset smoke break where a few people go outside to smoke right at twilight. You don't have to smoke, but a lot of people do. There's nothing more effective to make management cave than an addiction. (Point of note: Try going through all the stages of heroin withdrawal the next time you negotiate a raise. Very Effective!) There's something magical about twilight and dawn: There never seems to be more potential, it's never fresher, photographs never look better, it's a well defined and brief period that happens twice every day in case you miss it the first time and it's my favorite. Second shifters around the world appreciate it. Well maybe not in sweatshops, or Chinese work prisons, but at least most appreciate it, you know the ones with fresh drinking water and sanitary facilities. Ah hell, at least if you've got time to cruise the internet, you have time to appreciate these moments, too. Go out and have yourself a moment today! You've got 2 chances! Let me know how it turns out for you.

I found a great site about cheesy guitars. I'm in the mood for a new guitar and am torn between very high end and extreme crap. Now there's a lot of people that would argue that there is no argument here, but I don't want to hear anything about the high end luxury stuff. I think that old crap has some character and sonic qualities that will never be subject to uniform quality assurance methods that guarantee that the guitarist from Bonk 284 can have the exact same tone as Slipbone 47. G-Darn Music Effing Industry! Anyway I have this site that opened my eyes to The torture devices that the Soviets made for Russian Guitarists! In Soviet Russia, Guitar plays you!

Danny Does China

2005-07-11T08:28:00.000-05:00

Saturday, skateboarder Danny Way broke the world record for distance jumping by clearing a 61ft gap over the Great Wall. The videos of his successful attempt are now online. Use the link at the lower right of the main page, since they insist on using Flash.

Hail Prometheus III

2005-07-06T22:07:00.000-05:00

Dutch Maid

2005-07-02T20:34:00.000-05:00

So, I started another sketch of a song this week. It's called Dutch Maid and it's based on a visit I made to the Rijksmuseum once where I got to see Vermeer's The Kitchen Maid. It's a seven minute slow burner, so be forwarned.

Amazing Journey

2005-07-01T18:09:00.000-05:00

In January 2004, artist Phillip Warnell swalled a pill-sized camera that made its way through his body, snapping 65,000 photographs during its 8 hour "journey." The result looks like poop.

2005-06-27T15:46:00.000-05:00

I woke up this morning full of ideas. I had a dream about BBOP. I ran this organization and it was pronounced Bebop. It stood for Buy Back Our Politicians. The goal of the organization was to start locally and raise pledges for community based political issues. The idea was to take pledges for an issue that would overwhelmingly better the community and seek the politicians with a say in that issue and offer campaign contributions to represent their constituents. It's a shame that that idea actually makes sense to me. It would be a non-partisan organization and completely volunteer in nature. It's goal is to offset the corruption of political action committees and to only act on major community enhancing issues. I'd like to hear anyones comments about that idea, but then again if people voiced their opinions we wouldn't need BBOP would we?

Here's some fun for you and your friends: Adult Sized Big-Wheels!

The Murals of Northern Ireland: Someone went through a lot of work to document political murals from the area throughout the years, complete with pictures and various details.

It's Good To Be The King, Baby

2005-06-26T08:28:00.000-05:00

This Throne Room is about to get medieval on your ass.

What Goes In Is What Goes Out

2005-06-25T12:01:00.000-05:00

A wise saying goes like this: if you train a child in the way he should go, when he is old, he will not depart from it.

The moulding of young minds must begin with the family. A good home with good values provides the strong foundations of a good citizenry.

But because our young citizens start some form of schooling, starting from pre-school, the role of teachers cannot be underestimated.

And which teachers influenced me the most you ask? Why Superhost, Hoolihan, Big Chuck and Little John, and Ghoulardi in his many incarnations. Didn't effect me none to much that there didn't.

Malls of America

2005-06-24T16:11:00.000-05:00

High School Graduation Party Season is Here! I was reminded of that this afternoon when I watched a drunken teenage girl stumble back and forth from lawns and traffic on the way home from work. Where was I during High School Graduation Party Season during my day? Probably lost somewhere in the Malls of America. Yer Welcome!

Ugh!

2005-06-24T09:26:00.000-05:00

And Introducing. . .

2005-06-22T16:02:00.000-05:00

Defending his title as Intercontinental International Heavyweight Pussy-Beating Champion of the World, weighing in at a heavy 14 pounds, wearing the black trunks, hailing from Memphis, Tennessee, the Brawler from the Holler, Houdini "Huey" the Cat.

Cannot find zerver

2005-06-18T20:09:00.000-05:00

I have found jewelry to give for all occasions! Please look at the ZELLE CATALOG and forgive me later. Oh Yeah, I almost forgot, you can look at this Elsewhere.

The Prometheus III

2005-06-16T17:12:00.000-05:00

I have finally dragged my air balloon kit from storage and am getting ready for my trip. Her name is the Prometheus III and is the third in a series of Air Balloon experiments gone awry. My idea is to get her out west as far as I can and travel the US back to Massachusetts. Along the way I will be keeping this blog up to date by leaching WiFi connections by hovering very closely above private homes. I figure that if I can anchor and hover I should be able to leach a connection long enough to keep the site updated. I will be keeping in touch with the Skype for Pocket PC program I downloaded. My Skype name will be IonFarmer. I want to do this as clandestinely as possible so I will be transversing the contiguous United States only at night, looking for a good clearing before daylight to shelter in. During the early daylight hours I will establish communications with the support team command vehicle (a White Econoline van, stocked for a six week adventure)who will find me via radio and our GPS units and resupply me with new balloons, helium, ice, beer, or any chair webbing that I may require. I think the plan is solid enough for a lawn chair balloon ride, but this is the first time I will document it.

To my friends and family I would like tell them not to worry: I have done this on occasion at lease twice before and, although, I have never tried to make a continuous journey I think it will be alright. The previous experiments only resulted in loss of equipment and minor injuries and I think that the experience has toughened my resolve enough to make this journey a successful one. I have assembled the best team that was readily available. They have assured me that they are willing to support me with any idea that I have as long as the beer holds out. I know, that this seems not to be the most concrete of promises, I feel assured that the most disposable of all Virtues, and of course, I mean Loyalty, is truly behind their assurances and I have total faith in my team.

And to ensure this Loyalty, I have,in an act of good faith, made my support team the main beneficiaries, both in my final will and testament and my grotesquely exaggerated,company sponsored, life insurance. I know that these guys are my life line to success. I think that it is this mutually shared faith that has,and will continue,to make Team IonFarmer as successful as it can be under the circumstances.

GO TEAM IONFARMER!!!!

Spirit of Radio

2005-06-15T19:43:00.000-05:00

Well, I've been going to training for work and although I can appreciate the necessity of it, and appreciate the knowledge I have gained about the inner workings of an ion implanter, I must say that the last 2 days have been mind numbing. We have been pouring over the schematics of the machine. Now for me schematics are invaluable and I have read so many that I have become very fluent in this language, but I can and will do this on my own. I was hoping for some insight and not readily observable indications. Instead we traced signal paths, and the instructor seemed to familiarize himself with the new system.

Like I said, mind numbing.

I was called an "early adapter" today. It is s personality that finds new technology and implements it, and I was told by the Korean that referred to me as one that it was a Japanese term. It seems to be a term from meme theory upon further research. I like being recognized as an early adapter instead of gadget happy, geek, or tech nerd as is usual.

Well, maybe I am too proud. I have been studying to obtain a amateur Radio License. Things have change a great deal since the last time I was exposed to this medium of communication in the early 90's. I already know most of the circuitry (I like that word, it makes me think that there should be this word: pocketry. Pocketry would be the design of pockets in a garment e.g. "Hey, your Scott eVest has nice pocketry!") and just need to review the subtleties of radio wave propagation. I found a great study tool at Ham Exam that includes a Morse code trainer.

I will try to be less tardy with the updates, but there are no promises.

Not to much going on today. . .

2005-05-31T21:22:00.000-05:00

We ate some dinner at Denny's. What beats a club sandwich and a cup of hot C?